WRITERS BLOCK. Will I ever write again? I never thought this would happen or if it did that I would feel this way. I guess I owe myself an apology. I have let myself down. I am becoming what I cannot be. Numb, silent, unchallenged, doubtful, separated - 3 Dimensional.
I get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed …repeat. While I am there I wonder why I am not here. Here on these pages of infinite words and feeling where I have found profound love in the shedding of ego… revealing my beautiful secrets. Where freedom fills my soul to heal me and you, my beautiful readers.
Instead I sit here staring at myself and turning away from what I see. I am blocked and no longer in service to the world.
I am responsible for everything in my life. I allowed this. Yes, thank God, I can still recognize truth through these hazy walls. I have let something or someone pierce my spirit and bring doubt to my soul. I let concrete pour in to some crack in my humanness and now it binds me in slumber and apathy. Suddenly I am inside a prison trying to conform – to do what others want… to be mainstream, and I hate it here. I feel out of sorts and stifled which makes me fearful, especially after the beautiful freedom my life has been. I fear my authentic spirit is fading and the mask I used to wear is trying to grow back. My fear struggles against my wisdom. Wisdom that knows you cannot become what you cannot be!
I am pushed and pulled as my free will vs. ego is battling it out. The anxiety attacks I have not felt in many years have returned to weaken me. They constrict my chest and race my heart rendering me silent and running for isolation. I am suffering at the hands of my own ego. One that is determined to choke the life from me. I am not allowed to be me. I know anxiety and fear is not real and yet I get stuck inside it when I least expect it. The ego and its surreal weapons are a formidable opponent for me and my Angels.
In my suffering I know I have come too far to go backwards. I have fought so hard to find me… how can I not be me, free and living in love. Misery at my current frame of mind and quality of life is a great motivator. After a particularly bad day of high anxiety avoiding situations to get through the day- I have had enough! I’m tired and disheartened from the struggle but determined to end this battle. I refuse to live in a fear based consciousness.
Where is my chisel? That familiar tool I have used to painfully carve out my niche of freedom? The one with the magnifying glass and big light on the end. I have used it before to examine and illuminate and to chip away the noise and debris. I must dig and sculpt until the light of my beautiful soul shines bright without obstruction. My beautiful life is somewhere beyond this concrete that weighs heavy on my chest and I have to break free to survive.
Somehow in a miscellaneous/orchestrated way I go see my Shaman the beautiful Al at The Sacred Stone. He reminds me who I am. He reminds me none of this anxiety crap is real. He gives me the courage to examine it by surrounding me in love. He meditates in love and as I am once again surrounded by what is real I feel the illusion and garbage fall away. During the meditation I find myself in an Indian teepee and a great chief, my ancestor hands me an owl. It is the gift of wisdom that I need to win this latest battle. When I feel the love of the world I am once again connected. As the separation and doubt dissolves I feel my chest relax as it has not in months. I thank God for the blessed sweet relief!
Afterwards Al hugs me and asks, “Why didn’t you come sooner”. And it is then I realize how long I have suffered in this unreal state of consciousness, because the thought to come see him had actually never penetrated my darkness. That in itself was a profound insight into the power of ego to blind us to our own healing.
I am ready to go home and look at myself without turning away. The love of the world has given me courage. I am fortified by the universe for the work ahead. I have to figure out what this is, what caused this rough patch and the anxiety attacks. My commitment to becoming the master of my life and living in love has been renewed.
When the tears start to come I know I am on my way home and the journey back to my beautiful life is now in progress. But it is not without great effort… finally after a deep meditation where I speak with my owl, I begin to understand. I bravely delve further, going blindly into the light holding tightly on to the hand of my free will. The darkness of my ego becomes powerless as the light dissolves its weapon of mass distortion. I can see the crack where I broke, the concrete and debris filling it and I can see what happened. I use the light to clean it out and heal it.
The anxiety attacks came because I shut off all my energy work. I shut down the gift of spirit and restrained myself. I tied the hands that give healing, I lost the pen that tells my story, I let the phone ring and the messages go unanswered. I denied my own outlets for healing and I selfishly left the world hanging on. Is it any wonder I had suffocating, heart racing episodes that caused me to feel restricted? As soon as I allow my energy its proper outlets and return to my healing work the anxiety is a thing of the past!
I guess we all have cracks. Vulnerable little places that when someone pokes into make us retreat. After someone poked at me in a rather mean and harsh way I felt misjudged as something I held dear was brutally criticized. Feeling hostility from someone I looked up to, made me feel betrayed. My ego used that to open an old wound and my crack got so big I nearly fell into it. It doesn't really matter who or what event poked me. This is about what I did after that matters. What we are inside is what we radiate out.
How do we treat ourselves when we are angry or sad or when someone is mean to us? Do we deprive ourselves or love ourselves in response to the experience? Being loving and kind and “Christ like” begins with honoring ourselves and the beautiful authentic person we are meant to be. That is what enables us to be loving and kind to each other.
It took a Shaman, an Indian and an Owl to show me that my soul purpose as a healer does not allow me to abandon my mission because I am wounded over someone who misunderstood me and does not recognize my pure heart. Those things happen to teach us about our ability to love and honor the self during adverse times. I can’t give up the thing that was harshly criticized because I am afraid to be misjudged again. I must hold strong to my conviction to heal the world in any way I can. Challenges will come as I do this work and I have to be able to weather those storms without giving up my beliefs. My belief in myself has to be the strongest belief of all.
I am reminded of Mountain pose in yoga –Tadasana- a pose where you seem to be simply standing however if someone pushes against you there is no movement. You are so solid you go nowhere and hold your ground. I am a tree. My branches bend but my trunk is rooted steady and supported by the strength of the universe. And thankfully trees that grow don’t have anxiety attacks!
Peace and Love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose