Sleep is elusive once again. My mind swirls with the many challenges in my life most of which I'm too weary to see clearly. Exhaustion and its paralysis amplifies my imbalance. I'm trying to correct, to stand steady but I'm toppling. Some other self deep inside of me tells this self, ‘It is only a phase’, it will pass. I am in the midst of Soul work. It's gritty and messy and thick with the stench of shame and judgment. It holds too much reality and pain...it exhausts us until we find yet another reserve hidden in our depths that enables us to press on. I have a reserve that will bubble up eventually of that my doubt and certainty are equal now. But I know I can tip the scale towards certainty if I look at history and scour it for a shard of hope. And history tells me that since I have always felt that strength rise up from the depths of my fighting heart, I know I will rescue myself once again. For the one great truth of my life is - that Georgia will always take care of Georgia. The only "always" I shall ever believe in. That clarity peers around the corner of all despair and exhaustion. On some deep level I love my soul that much and have since birth. I am me. Georgia has and always will take care of Georgia. At the final hour, in the nick of time don’t I always save myself from harm?
There have been many ways I have taken care of me. I am a survivor. A survivor is someone who is in control of their own destiny and doesn’t look back. But now someone, something some force bigger than me is making me look back. Face a mirror of my life!
I have learned to hide, fight, abuse, deny and go numb. All had their season. The little girl who hid in the closet, the teenager who fought back, the young woman who lashed out, the young bride who “deserved” a punch, the adult who filed it all away and the woman who went numb. Now I stand facing the mirror, confused and emotional and thinking about it all. I feel like somebody lifted up the rug where I swept everything and it is all exposed and I am vulnerable… And I hate this. I don’t want to look in this mirror the universe is holding up for me. I want to drink or take something or get lost in somebody else. Instead I sit here with myself somehow knowing there is no other way…. What is this all about?
It’s about love. The one way I have never really taken care of myself. I am faced with the task of loving myself and I do not know how to do that. I’ve gotten a little too used to running and pretending and denying and blaming. I’ve been going along to get along, thinking I was fine but clearly I am not fine. Shit! I’ve been scared and running the whole time, a lifetime. I have never stopped long enough to identify any of it, so, no wonder I am confused now. How do I sort this out? Where do I begin? Why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel so hopeless?
Because, I am wounded that’s why. Life has wounded and cut and hurt me and confined and restricted me. I never really reconciled it. My fear has kept everyone at bay including myself. I have isolated myself in a blanket of detachment and it has kept me from ever really feeling the true bliss of connection to my soul. I have been held back and imprisoned by this and I want to be free. My soul needs to be free. Free to feel, to be ..love…. That’s what this is about.
I am beginning to understand now. I know what loving someone is....I know what wounded people need. We are like dogs that have been abused. When you take them in and give them a home they will bite you and snarl and fight.... for always they are threatened from an imaginary hand that no longer exists but may still somehow wield the pain. The instinct of violent survival is hard to correct and change into a new reality. But if we do not we will always be "biters". We think this is protection from others hurting us. Mostly we are hurting ourselves. Denying ourselves the love we so desperately want. We feel unworthy. The sorrow of that threatens to choke me to death.
But I am starting to think I am worthy. After all, hasn’t Georgia always been there for Georgia…that has to account for something. And even if the way I took care of me was harsh and extreme and not always the right way, it was my best. I think that is love.
And yet there are things that I am not proud of, parts of me I don’t want to look at, how do I love those? I have loved myself but, I have bargained, loving only the parts that are easy to love. I have been unloved but does that make me unlovable? I have loved the lovable me and I have denied the rest. I have to love ALL of me….That’s what this is about.
It is not enough to say that I don't like my angry, ugly or weak or wounded side and repress it and say I'm not going to be that person. Denying that part of me won't work. Detaching from it won't work. I know this. For many years I thought I had reformed only to fall back into poor patterns and fear again every once in awhile. It doesn't matter what the "trigger" is the important part is that the wounded mad dog still exists inside as long as my shadow self keeps him quietly growling in the dark. After all there is a big part of me that doesn't want to let him go...it's my survival! I may need to call on him at a moments notice when threatened.
Every instinct in me knows that I have to face this side of me and bring it into the light. I have to embrace my dark side and learn to love it. This is the only way to master my life. At first I don’t know how, instincts die hard as I want to deny this side exists. And then something softens and I feel the stirrings of love and I start to understand. After all isn't that how you would treat the stray dog. Little by little show him love and care until he is eating out of your hand? I have to go to the dark side of my mirror and love that person inside that I am ashamed of. I reason that without those parts of myself maybe I wouldn't have made it through. I must see my shadow and visit with him. Realize he is only one part of me and he is just trying to help me survive. Do not judge him. Teach him another way of survival, the way of love. I know there is a kind gentle heart inside of me that knows this way. No one can do this for me or with me. I must walk this path alone. I must love my darkest parts. Only then can I love truly love the light within me. Embrace it all Georgia light and dark if you truly want to know what love is!
This realization brings awareness. I have a goal now and the goal gives me a kinship with myself that I have never before known. Me,myself and I are working together for the first time. Working to find love, working to love myself…That’s what this is about.
And so, I embrace that ashamed little girl in the closet, the terrified teenager, the grieving young daughter, the worthless young bride, the numb detached woman, the ruthless overachiever and the beautiful, strong, human I am. Instead of separating myself into parts that were good and bad and worthy and unworthy I connected all my light and dark pieces without judgment and I simply loved them. All of it is unequivocally me and I learn to honor myself. With love I am able to transform years of isolated parts into one beautiful me and I became whole. There were many Georgia's I had to go back and love. As painful as that was it's the only way to end the suffering and live in truth and light. We try to find a hundred easier ways out but there is none. We can only go through the muck to wind our way out of the maze. At some point we realize we are supposed to be here in this very spot and in a very profound way we finally understand the gifts within all the suffering.
That is the journey of the soul and its awakening from despair to Spirit, our own spirit and the more divine one that is inside each of us. When you finally feel that spark flicker you understand how much love you have inside and all around you. In that miraculous moment the ache in your soul suddenly becomes a beautiful glowing light, a warm center of joy and unimaginable bliss. It is then you realize the love you have for yourself and all things and step into your worthiness. It is then you realize the love that connects each one of us.
Doing this Soul Work enables me to be compassionate and understand and remain calm when another person is in a storm and simply sit with them and say what do you need, what is this? That is love, healthy love. When I want to scream and lash out I identify my emotions and I try to react from conscious choice instead of instinct. Meditation and yoga and my psychic journey are all tools that help me access my personal truth. Once you find and live in that personal truth of your whole self, loving your light and dark sides with no judgment you become worthy. Self love reaches a level of always wanting the best way for yourself and knowing you deserve love. You want to love instead of bite. Because you realize the bite doesn't get you love. And so when standing in conflict you work towards the better way of loving kindness and asking directly your desires. Because you realize that the most direct path to your desire is Love. And only love is real.
I am far from perfect. And I am not sure anyone will ever realize how deep I have had to reach inside to be a kinder gentler more rational person to find my own worthiness and loving heart. But I know and I am proud of me. It is with tremendous effort and bravery that I faced my demons to gain control of my life and feel love and become able to trust the universe. In fact I learned to trust it so much I am one with it. Every day I am grateful for that miracle. So, press on and love the stray dog in you and in all of us, love him and feed him and pet him and nuture him to be the brightest light among all. You deserve it, we all deserve love!
Eventually inside your soul work that most difficult lesson is learned... you love yourself completely and unconditionally. And finally your life is free because you have mastered this. And then, when someone kicks the wounded dog he no longer attacks but quietly asks "I know you kick me because you are in pain, what do you need of me, what do you need to do for yourself to ease your pain? I will sit with you while you figure it out. I love you and I know we both would rather love than kick. That is the heart of a master!
Soul work is never done. We are all works in progress.
But if we don't bring the dark into the light it can't heal or change and you will never master it. Be brave. Come to terms with those things you have kept in the dark. Go there and put love where there is none.
The struggle is worth the reward.
Peace and Love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose