So last week started out with me saying to myself...I just CANT do it anymore....I'm tired and weak and scared and fed up and life is too hard...I'll pack it in and run away......and I retreated.
I was in the throws of inner child work. Wrestling with my shadow. Trying to heal wounds from so long ago. But wounds that had to be healed in order for my life to progress forward.
I had to regress and face it all to make sense of it. So, I went back to my safe place and I detached and distanced from the world. I went more than a little numb. I went oblivious and climbed in the closet and closed the door shut behind me. This place was mine since childhood. My escape from chaos and pain, here no one could hurt me, there was nothing to feel here. I didn't have to be afraid and worry about a silly thing called love. This place had served me well and welcomed me.
In the dark sitting in my familiar cave I felt good. I was all protected and cozy. It was peaceful and quiet. No pressure. I was in charge! Screw the frustrating relationships, the expectations and demands of life. Screw it all ... the bills and the spiritual challenges, the I "have too's" and the "I need to do's". I decided I didn't need this life.
Maybe I would get a new one. Trade this one in for a better model. A life where people left me alone and I wasn't unloved and unappreciated. A life where I had no obligations, no unsympathetic or needy friends, lazy colleagues or familial judgement.
My rant continued in my isolation...
I didn't need anybody, I told myself. I could be a lone wolf , a free spirit! I didn't need to feel all this crap...this love, compassion, pain, frustration, always having to be and do and think and help and grow was a real pain in the ass! My safe place, my cave cooperated easily with this thinking. It was the place I could see everything wrong with my relationships, job, future, past ..whole life! It played music to my ears, repeating complaints and failures, showing me weaknesses and mistakes both my friends and my own.
And I loved it as the familiar floor opened and swallowed me in an encouraging downward spiral. I had all the proof I needed to distance myself and grow cold and retreat from the ones I love. None of them had enough boxes checked on my list of perfection anyway. And actually inside my cave my checklist for perfection grew ...sealing the deal that no one could ever live up to my ideals. I was off the hook. I no longer cared. It was all about me now!
We all have days like this especially those of us with Scorpio moons. We tend to wallow.. and fantasize!
I set up camp in the cave...ahhh this felt good! No pressure. I didn't have to answer a phone, say I love you, return a text, be nice or explain anything. I didn't have to keep the house clean ,do dishes, get a manicure or buy groceries, nobody was coming over to my cave. I didn't have to call anyone to see how they were or give encouragement, get pissed off by stupidity or feel anything. This was good, I was free!
My life had become waay to restrictive, I needed to bust loose. I let the darkness drive me further into crazy illusions. I fantasized about flying to Arizona hopping on the back of a friends Harley and going to Sedona. I dreamed about a for sale sign on my front lawn and people carrying my crap down the driveway as I counted cash. I wanted to throw what was left in a duffle bag in the back of my BMW convertible and squeal away into the sunset in a pair of tight low riders and a rock tee shirt. I'd buy a cowboy hat and a pair of " shit kicker" boots along the way and see Mt Rushmore and the Grand Canyon and Graceland. Drive up to Nova Scotia and live with Pema Chodrun at Gampo Abbey for a year. I could keep on the move , no ties, no headache, after all .....love stinks, people suck...Save yourself!
I should have lived in my closet, my safe cave sooner...this really was where it's at! I shut out the world further as I blasted rock music and ate a pint of vanilla Hagen Daaz while the TV played a decadent Showtime series. I went to the bakery and connected with a huge Apple turn over and a small container of actual whole milk ,and ate it in the car instead of going to yoga. I flipped somebody in traffic the bird and stopped getting up to walk the dog. I didn't show up for a board meeting or to wish someone happy birthday. I bought a new outfit instead of doing laundry. I blew off my touchy freely friends as the blood grew more icy in my veins. Who needed that crap anyway. I perfected the concerned head cocked to one side look, when needed , as my brain screamed.. I want to be ALONE!
I was having a great time! Until the email.....
My sister sent me an email. It was a video she converted of all our childhood home movies. Who the hell wanted to see that sh__! Just thinking about my childhood made me hear the echo of my fathers feet stomping up the stairs with his belt..as my stomach felt like I swallowed a hot match..No....! But for some reason I hit play....and for over an hour I saw things I barely remembered. A lifetime of retreats to my "cave" my " safe place" had blinded my vision, sealed my heart, faded part of my memory to black. Distorted reality. A whole other childhood unfolded on the screen mocking my truth! This email was prying me out of my cave, telling me it was not really where I should be.
Frame after frame I saw Christmas dinners, shared laughter, warmth, hugs. I saw My Dad playing ball with us in the street and my Mom cooking and loving her kids. All of us squeezing into the tiny kitchen table laughing eating lemon meringue pie. My brother cutting up for the camera and zany fun. My sisters and I playing hide and seek, washing our dog...there were scenes of us in Christmas dresses with piles of toys and my older brothers playing with me. My parents proudly by my side at parade events and birthday parties. Filming me feeding the ducks and sliding in the park and riding my bike..
It was all there ...a family...sharing...loving. I didn't know. I didn't remember. My cave, my closet , my protection had protected me too much. My ego had distorted and rewrote this show until the episodes played to my lifelong fear of abandonment. This distant comfortable place ...the place I went to survive had robbed me! As I fell through my own safety I realized it had betrayed me long before now. The real betrayal was in its existence.
I had distorted history into only the bad parts. My memories of the abuse and violence took over . I followed the dark side of things. Maybe the inner child work, the wrestle match with my shadow could us some light to shed the truth and balance into my reality.
The truth assaulted my heart and I emptied a lifetime of tears as I watched the show. My " family" show. All my mind could scream was "Oh my God, we were a family " there was love. Frame after frame it was undeniable ...we laughed, we loved it wasn't all pain and abuse. In a startling instant clarity washed over me. Stark bright insight that caused me to realize all I had never seen, I could feel heat rising from my toes through my whole body to the top of my head. What else in my life had I missed. How much of my life have I thrown away into that cold dark cave? How many times had I shut down, shut off , turned off the show , checked out before the good part? ...all because my fear said ...."I can't".....do...this....save yourself...
Everything in the dark is distorted. Remember when you were a kid and Mom said goodnight and shut the light...suddenly the chair became a monster and you swore something's under your bed. But it's just a chair and nothing is under the bed except some dust bunnies!
My truth slapped me in the face with a life altering blow. I could see that my "safe "place is an illusion... Like looking through a porthole under deep dark water....everything was limited and distorted. In fact I could see now that everything I thought was my safety and security was actually my restriction and my chains.
The Fear was driving my whole life. It drove me to believe in the ugly painful experiences so much that it overshadowed any loving ones. The love in my heart should have had the wheel!
It was time to get a big lantern and a broom and sweep that cave clean once and for all!
It wasn't going to be easy. Maybe I should jump out of a plane without a parachute as a primer! Same kinda feeling ...right?
This survival technique of going numb and isolation has worked in getting me through many things since childhood.. A primal instinct of my ego, I created a mechanism from fear completely void of love. I had to painfully admit that I had eventually gone there in every relationship, friendship, connection and crisis. I was either reactionary or detached. But never vulnerable. As though there was an invisible alarm button that got tripped when emotion reached a certain level, I knew when to attack and when to bolt. Danger, Danger..go numb now!! And once there I thought I was better off and happy!!! And I liked it there because I told myself, and I taught myself, that was what I deserved! Somewhere along the way at a very young age I made a decision that I wouldn't go too far towards love and I chose a distance way to far..
That email made me see reality. I stopped saying " I just can't". I've nailed the closet shut, from the outside, closed the cave forever now. I don't need that place. I need love and liberation more. It's time. Time to surrender to live the life I deserve..I'm walking towards love arms wide open....I'm setting myself free, because .....I realize....I CAN.....its that simple...and I'm going for it...open the airplane door...it's time for my leap of faith!
Love with all your heart,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose