My eyes pop open to see 5:17 am on the nightstand clock. Loneliness has once again come to wake me. Like an abusive friend you reluctantly let move in when they are between apartments, it waltzes in at all hours of the day and night, spoiling my otherwise beautiful life. I can’t evict it. It’s taken up residence in my soul where it gnaws a once small bleeding hole into the size of a cannonball. The pain is so great it eats me alive sapping my strength, dimming the light inside me. Agony slams across my chest and tightens my throat until the familiar tears come. I fear the air is too heavy to breath. Alone in my bed I sob but no one hears. The house is quiet with the weight of nothing, I am bereft. I’ve never heard silence so loud. And I wonder how long…how long will it be like this? And then an ice cold bottle of anxiety joins the dark party. When I pop the cork, the stench of desperation fills the room and now I’m choking on my own emotions. Hot tears flood my pillow as I cry out in the night. The pain intensifies knowing that no one will come to comfort me. No one is coming home not parent or child or partner. My worst fears are realized.
There is no one to reach out to, I AM ALONE - this is my life now.
My brain searches for calm, something to get me thru the night. But I just grasp nothing and come up empty. My kind open heart needs more of a reason to be than just ...me.
My thoughts turn to God and I can’t believe he wants my heart, my beautiful heart to be so empty, so alone, devoid of love. Would He waste such a gift? The void is unbearable and I feel it has the power to unravel me completely. I have so much to give I want to love just for the sake of loving. I want someone to cherish me. I want to have someone witness my beautiful life while I witness theirs with joy and sorrow and all that sharing a beautiful life offers. Why instead does God want me in this place? Is it to make me stronger so I am a better person? I get angry at God. I’m done now. I’ve had enough pain and heart ache to last a lifetime and I need reprieve. Please God I can’t stand it anymore”… the darkness intensifies.. fear comes and takes hold… I start to free fall… deep in illusion I blindly fail to realize I am the cause of my own pain.
A small voice says “you can end it” but now I am strong enough to extinguish the voice. I’ve worked through that trial. I know in my core it is wrong, you cannot end anything that lives in your soul, it has no end. And that thought is the most terrifying of all because I know I must walk thru this pain to be rid of it. The pain will end when it is time, when my lesson is learned, when I master this place. I must master ALONE.
I doubt my strength to do so, but with a deep breath I lean into the sharp edge and go where few people dare. I am a warrior. Bruised and bleeding, but still in the fight. I’m exhausted from my nightly battle with myself, with loneliness that eats me alive. And still the heavy silence in my home mocks me.
This is my life now….
I need to figure out how to get out of the darkness.
My cold empty bed becomes unbearable it’s no longer a safe comfortable haven. I start my early morning paces. Tears still flowing down my face I let the dog out trying to ignore the hollow feeling threatening to engulf me. I eat my cheerios while the cheery trio hosting Fox News channel seems unnecessarily perky. The pre dawn hour starts to cast a pinkish light through the front windows as the kitchen glows warmly. I realize even though someone turned the lights out on my life the world is still bright and moving at its own pace. I can’t decide if that is comforting or grating.
Instinct or is it Spirit, tells me to get out of the house, get out of my head. So I pull on some sweats and decide to take Sparky to the dog park. His adorable furry face nuzzles me as I drive quiet streets in the promising pre dawn light. Inside the truck it feels warm and cozy and I take solace in this small previously unnoticed pleasure. My dog and me. It is now everything to me, a life saver I grasp at with my whole being. As I feel warmth from another body although not human it stirs hope and I know my desire for life and the love I have for myself will reach for whatever gets me through. I am climbing out of the abyss. Me and my dog connected in love and survival.
This is my life now…
Walking down the path to the Great South Bay I can smell the morning dew on the earth and realize I haven’t stopped to notice that since I was a little girl walking to school.
It smells so good, like life. My sense of smell becomes so heightened I feel like Jack Nicholson in Wolf! For a second I think I’m crazy and then I realize this is a symptom of awakening according to my Spiritual Counselor Adrienne, senses become heightened. My awareness instinctively reaches for light where it becomes sharper.
This heightened awareness has become the salvation of my life as it leads me to connection with the source of Creation.
I continue to walk the dirt path and my thoughts turn to God. The dirt path becomes symbolic as I muse about the Spiritual path I am on. Intuition tells me, just keep putting one foot in front of another eventually you will get somewhere that feels right, and your days will get easier as you get closer to where you are meant to be. What you learn and observe on the path during the journey holds the keys, I tell myself in my best pep talk.
It’s all so new to me, there are so many questions, so much to learn. It has become my second job now to read and research and meditate and find answers. I have discovered so many things, astrology and Tarot and Reiki healing.. I know in my heart I am on the right path because it is giving me comfort and helping me understand more than I ever have about myself, life and reasons. But I still doubt. Rarely and fleetingly but I still think maybe I am crazy it’s all “mumbo, jumbo” ...just another “thing” my mind creates to get me through the night.
And then I remember all the signs from my Angels and Spirit these last few months and my knowingness is strong. Something always happens at just the right moment to ground me in my faith.
My thoughts turn back to the path now. the earth has turned muddy.
I am walking through the marshes now; Sparky has become “snoopy sniffer” nose to the ground as he smells the salt water. He makes me laugh this beautiful animal. He brings me joy and I am so grateful for my buddy.
I come through the tall weeds looking down at all the mud on my favorite Uggs with annoyance. When I finally look up I am stopped in my tracks. All my fears and loneliness slide away as grace lifts me high. There before me is the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. There are no words to describe its colors! They wash over me and I tremble a little. Pink and orange and gold shimmering over dark blue waters as a cool breeze kisses my face. I am moved beyond words. My heart is racing as I look down at Sparky to see his fur bathed in the orange glow of a sunrise more beautiful than any I have ever seen. I raise my head up to the sky as tears of gratitude prick at my eyes. How can I doubt my existence or path with such a reward before me. In the quiet morning light just me and Sparky are anointed by the sky.
You can’t doubt our Creator when such magnificence exists before your eyes. My grief is replaced by gratitude That gratitude feeds my hunger for life, I want more of this amazing feeling! LIFE!
I hear a deep voice in my mind, “If I created all this, don’t you think I can take care of you?” I no longer feel alone. And my faith is solidified. I’m laughing now running and playing with Sparky. I am happy and lighthearted. A miracle of grace compared to what engulfed me before. Even though my road will be long and struggles many, moments like this will get me through…I just have to pay attention to them. That day I learned there is peace and comfort in God's creations, in nature and in animals . And in being alone in solitude with our Creator there is unity with All. When you connect to them you connect yourself to Spirit..
This is my life now…
(todays post was taken from a piece originally written by Georgia Rose in Nov 2011)
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose