The funny thing about self discovery is just when you think you are completely aware, and are “doing the work” you get a surprise that knocks you back into your real work! The "stuff" you were supposed to be working on to begin with …
I was participating in a weekend workshop about “soul contracts” listening to the teacher guide us through a meditation as I lay on my yoga mat. My purpose for being there was to clear the patterns from my father’s abandonment of me when I was a child. His abandonment had caused so much damage in my life I was determined to heal it once and for all. I was going to fix this like I fix everything .. with sheer determination..dammit! Feeling pleased with my courage and a bit smug about my walking the walk I lay on my yoga mat, assumed the Savasana position and dived into the meditation.
"You are on a bridge surrounded by beautiful golden light and you feel nothing but love" Miss yoga lady crooned as her voice wound silky strands in my brain. "Now, imagine the person you have come to understand is on this bridge with you to talk about your soul contract". The teacher’s voice spoke in a soft hypnotic monotone. “What did you learn from their presence in your life? What was the lesson you contracted with them”? I imagined my father there on the bridge facing me. I hugged him and felt love. I told him I understood I had contracted his abandonment because it taught me independence, compassion and forgiveness. We stood together in a beautiful bridge in a forest. I felt love and his energy felt softer than it did in real life. “Now ask this person what was the reason they contracted this experience with you”?, the teachers voice droned from some far away place. Wow! That’s a new concept I vaguely thought from some dim recess of my brain. As my heart stirred from the idea I could feel tears running down my face and dripping into my ears but my mind was in another place. I was standing on the bridge with my Dad. “Daddy” , I asked, “Why did you leave me , I was only a child and you hurt me so bad.” “My lesson “, he said softly, as he held my hands, “was to learn forgiveness in this life time”. “When you nursed me as I was dying it was the first time in my life I felt worthy of forgiveness”. “You taught me forgiveness and compassion in this life, you were a very brave soul to take on the lesson of abandonment to teach me , thank you”. He wrapped his arms around me and proclaimed, “ Now it is time for you to know how much I love you and how worthy you are of that love” . We stood on the bridge bathed in golden light and I felt a deep abiding love between us that on earth we never had. I knew my suffering from him was over.
Completely spent from the experience I lay quietly on my yoga mat just drifting... I started to hear music in my head, and suddenly I was on a beach. A scene I remembered from another more recent time in my life played out. I began to relive a day that had actually happened about a year ago.
I was crawling onto a lounge chair under a beautiful blue Barbados sky. My partner was laying on the lounge chair working on his laptop as I playfully cuddled and took my head phones off and put them on his ears to play him a song from my IPOD. He listened and then picked his earphones up and put them on my ears and played me a song from his IPOD. It was a safe romantic game of “sweet nothings” played without committing our own voices to the vulnerability of love. As his big strong hands placed the earbuds on my ears I heard Don Henley crooning about forgiveness in his song “The Heart of the Matter”….. Hmm.. I wondered to myself why is he playing that for me..is it a message for me or for him? It didn’t matter much ,our smiles connected and I felt close to him and loved by him in a familiar way, even though he was "new" in my life.
My mind left the Barbados memory and once again drifted back to the meditation of the present moment and onto the imaginary bridge with my father once again but, with images of that day on the beach in Barbados still clearly flashing back and forth in my mind I can hear Don Henley once again singing about forgiveness.
I'm going with the flow letting my mind wander, allowing it to show me what I should see. I surrender to it when, suddenly my father is no longer on the bridge but my ex husband is, as Don sings about “the heart of the matter”. And suddenly even as my brain vaguely creases with a what the hell are you doing on my bridge, my heart opens and … I GET IT! My father and my ex husband are in some strange way interchangeable. They have both discarded me, and left me uninvited in a life that was desperately in need of invitation.
I realize my ex husband is on my bridge, because I haven’t totally forgiven him even after all these years. I was deluding myself about it. I now had to own my crock of crap. I had been angry and distant, holding back a big part of myself with all the men who had come into my life after him. I thought I had let it all go but I was still holding, still angry, still making others pay for the abandonment I had experienced in my life. I didn't do it on purpose but out of protection. Like the 5 year old who hid in closets curled into a ball , the grown up me had hidden my heart behind a big door that I wasn't strong enough to open. Scared and hiding, I was not able to be present in my romantic life giving and receiving love. “your spirit gets weak and your thoughts seem to scatter”… I protected myself so much that I couldn’t see the one who was in front of me because I only saw the ones who had come before and left.
It was hard to believe the truth. But there it was …Bam! , On my bridge and on the beach and in my ears.
Finally I knew what that beautiful man on the beach in Barbados las year was trying to tell me. Suddenly I knew what Spirit and my higher self were trying to tell me. Their message sunk in, loud and clear.
I felt such remorse that I had squandered opportunities for love, and probably hurt people doing it. They were all in the past now, Dad, my husband and the boyfriend. But I've never been one to look behind me too long...
As Don Henley kept singing to me..”you better put it all behind you cause life goes on” I felt my heart release everything I had been holding for a very long time. I stood on the bridge alone bathed in the beautiful golden light, the same light that surrounded a very wise man and I that day on the beach in Barbados …but this time I let it seep into my soul and it healed me as I finally let it all go. I forgave myself and them. I felt purged clean and new.
Two days after the Soul Contract workshop I went to receive Reiki, from a fellow practitioner to clear any residual negative energy. I got on the Reiki table and closed my eyes as the session was to start. “Oh look, it’s 11:11” the practitioner stated as she was about to begin. “Of course it is”, I said. After the session, I felt really good even lighter than before. I was basking in my feeling of freedom, when I put the key in the car ignition to drive home and the radio filled the car with Don Henley’s “Heart of the Matter”. I just smiled at myself in the rear view mirror and said “thank you”. It knew it was confirmation that God was with me on my journey and I was on the right track.
Funny how time passes and we evolve, my father is dead, my ex husband and I are out of touch and "Mr. Barbados" has sadly moved on. But, I finally understand what that beautiful boyfriend tangled in the lounge chair with me was trying to show me that day on the beach, it just took a really long time to “click”. He always had a beautiful gift for getting to the heart of the matter. I wasn’t ready for him or the message then, but the meaning of it was stored inside my heart until it was safe enough for me to bring it into the light. I find life often works that way. Gifts are stored until there energy is best used and then they are revealed to be the gems that make us sparkle. I am very grateful he cared enough about me to deliver the gift and be the messenger. I am even more grateful I understand all it brought to me.
And I sure am glad I finally got it!
Peace and Healing,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose