I pull the sleek sports car into the garage and hit the button to close the door behind me before I even exit the car. I want to close out the world. It's dark and quite here in this cave, it suits my mood. I'm not crazy. Some days are just like this. For the most part I am healthy and joyful, living my life in gratitude and love. But every once in awhile like an old sports injury my war wounds flare up.
Sometimes there is a trigger and sometimes there is none but always I try to discern the "why"of my discomfort even though clarity does not always bring comfort I find it is better to understand than not.
The pain can wash over me for a minute or linger for days. I have learned that these soul imprints are part of my human experience. They are my worn spots. They are the scars left over from the deep cuts of this life, and many other lives before. They are my hearts cry for nurture and sustenance. Yes they are the human experience.
Yes, some days are just like this for those of us passionate ones. Deep feeling is not exclusive to good emotions, we humans learn from polarity. In the end you learn to accept it all gratefully. But copious amounts of tears and suffering are involved before you cross this valley to that bridge. Eventually with Gods help we get there, some of us learn the way through wisdom, some of us through pain and some of us like me through a lot of both.
I finally exit the car after a brief cry, I pad through the house. My clothes are strewn on the bedroom floor as I peel them off and put on fluffy cotton PJ's two sizes too big and hop into bed. I love my bed. I love my pillow. My dog comes in, yawns, does a yoga stretch and jumps up to lay on my legs. I love my dog. I close my eyes to sleep. It is 5pm. The time does not matter. I don't care. I am doing what needs to be done. These old injuries do not have a schedule or an invitation. They just crash through the gate of my gratitude whenever they need attention. I've learned to give them what they need before they get ugly.
My eyes close. The demons come. Flashbacks of my life. I see my Mothers lifeless body, her skin pulled taught over hollow cheeks, like a wax figure. The coldness that has replaced what was her warmth pierces my heart as a place deep within me realizes we are not in the same world anymore. Flash. I am walking across the room where my father lays. I know he is gone. I rest my head on his chest and the empty hollow I feel is my undoing. His heart is quite and his life force is gone. I realize there is no man on this earth I can rest my head upon now. And I am so very weary. Flash. I am 5 years old hiding in a closet to escape the sting of a belt and curse words I don't understand. Even at 5 I know this shame will effect my life forever. Flash. I stand over the bed as my husband packs a suitcase and unravels our beautiful life with his confessions, revealing a lifetime of lies. My everything is now nothing as my life disintegrates into smashed illusions like a magic trick. My husband is a magician, he has made me disappear. I am lost as I fall through the floor and wonder if anyone will ever "see" me again. Flash. I am sitting on the edge of a hospital bed as my lifelong best friend fights death. He is screaming "no" as his fear engulfs him. I am already grieving. Through a river of tears I soothe him as he prepares to cross over. The quiet haunts me as his breath is silenced, his stillness severs the last life line to my past. Loneliness rests heavy in my heart as I realize there is no one on this earth who shall ever really know me now. Flash.
These soul wounds ache as the imprints flash like skits on a stage. My body hurts, my chest is hollow, my heart has contracted my stomach burns, my mid section is squirrelly. Even though I know it is my Chakras that are reacting to these memories, these imprints or Samsara, the pain is real. I am in grief, I am bereft. My pillow is wet with tears. I am wretched.
There is no one who can help me. These are my wounds. It is the journey of my exclusive life. I must find my own way. I don't want to talk about them, I don't want to be cheered up. It is not so simple. This is a lifetime of pain. It just has to come to the surface very once in awhile. The light there will disperse it shortly. I know what to do. I am familiar with these days. I have become very good at taking care of myself. I wipe my own tears. I scramble my own eggs. Fluff my own pillows. I hug myself. That part falls short....
I long for a hug. I long for a kind word. I wish someone could just slip into bed and hold me while I sleep. Say nothing and just be there. I want a connection with no attachment one without effort or thought. There is none. There is no one. People have their own lives. Besides they judge, they invalidate, they lecture they want to "fix" . That is not what this needs. This is not a mood swing or an imbalance or a burn out or hysterics. This is the tears of battle scars, that sometimes just need to flow. This is the culmination of a life well lived, by a soul who loves deeply and feels passionately. There is no pill or platitude to "fix "this , nor should there be. This is simply a human experience that needs acceptance not resistance. Few understand this process. Few understand we must revere all of life not just the good but the ugly too. Few understand there is beauty in repulsive things. And so this is one of the loneliest places on earth.
This is grief. It floods over my banks every once in awhile until it's finds a new reservoir to calm its swift current. It does not have a time date or expiration it lasts many lifetimes. Experience has taught me that it's current is calmed by gratitude. Even as the flashbacks bring their sting and punch I can reach past that to their gift. For I have learned loss and death are meant to be experienced so that we learn and grow. In doing that none of these experiences are in vain. The pain has a purpose, all of our lives have a purpose and my sad days always teach me. And so they must be respected and allowed. They are healthy in their own way.
My mothers death taught me to reach over my fear and ego and to never allow that to prevent me from spending time with someone who is sick and in need. My fathers death taught me to leave nothing unsaid, stand in your truth and work through conflict instead of allowing your fear to keep you silent and resentful. Regret is for cowards, be brave. My best friends death taught me how precious time is. Don't keep saying tomorrow, today make time to enjoy life. The abuse I suffered as a child taught me compassion and forgiveness. The abandonment of my husband taught me to discern the real from the unreal and break through illusions. I am grateful for all these experiences.
But these and many other losses take their toll on a heart. For souls who love fiercely and grieve deeply some days are just like this....our battle scars hurt.
I nap for a couple of hours, I sleep curled in a ball, fists for hands. My heart hurts , the pain is crippling, I want to sleep forever but that is not an option. I miss my Mom and Dad so much. I miss so many people...remember so many wounds.
I get up and make scrambled eggs and take some comfort in eating breakfast for dinner with Sparky by me. I thank God for him and I can feel the river of my grief start to flow towards gratitude. I say a silent prayer of thanks for that. I take a hot bath and wash my red puffy face. I talk to myself. I sit at my desk and I write. As my words flow from inside me onto the pages it is as if there is a relief valve in my heart alleviating the pressure in my chakras. Words flow from my river of grief and are turned into gratitude right before my eyes. The writing connects me with someone unknown , out there some where. ...I have finally found my connection that requires no attachment. Although one sided it helps, even as I long for a deeper one.
Yes some days are like this. This human experience is very challenging. But less so when we accept ourselves without judgement and go with the current. All of it teaches us. It has taught me the meaning of life. It is simple:
We are here to love and be loved. And that includes ourselves. Even on days like this.
I'm not crazy or emotional...I'm just a deeply passionate soul having a human experience! And I'm grateful for that. Accept yourself!
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose