Mine has not been an easy life. It certainly has not been as hard as others, but easy is not a word I am familiar with in any category of my existence. I have faced some brutal times and tough decisions. But the hardest decision by far has been to remain open and feeling in a world that has beaten me down. To decide to allow the world back in after it has chewed you up and spit you out like bad meat is the most courageous thing a human can do. And yet we all have the capacity for such resiliency and its rewards. The key is to allow ourselves to be open to it and that is no easy task!
Like most lessons I learned this the hard way. My wisdom is mostly built on pain. I seem to have a penchant for experiencing the opposing emotion or aspect to a solution before I find it. Such was the case with lesson of "the open heart".
I had to close off, feel nothing, zip it up and go numb before I could fully understand the need, the gift and the beauty of being wide open. Much of this is documented here in this blog.
This revelation did not come in a rush or all at once. It did not even come in a one time unlocking that burst open a door that stayed open. The door of one's heart is not forgiving! It is more of a slow prying open of a door that has very rusty hinges. It creaks and resists what it does not remember. It hesitates to be of service. It keeps creeping shut as it only knows one way to operate. You have to repurpose the door, oil the hinges, make sure its balanced. As you do the necessary repairs it keeps swinging closed on you. Until it finally starts to stay open longer and wider. Then after a while, the day comes- it wants to stay wide open and it doesn't remember being closed. Hallelujah!
That process took 6 almost 7 grueling years of my life. And I am grateful for my relatively short learning curve, because it takes some humans a lifetime to open their heart. And sadly, some humans never open. I am one of the lucky ones. But as they say luck comes with hard work. And I've yet to find a formidable enough door stop to keep that old heart door from swinging closed at times.
I still work every day to keep my heart open. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes it starts to zip up! There are many days I have to remind myself to stay open so love can find me and I can give the world what it needs from me. Especially after a rejection or loss.
We all have traumas. Losses, abandons, cruelty, abuse,unfair events, sickness, rejection, stress and dramas that make us shut down. I have days I stay in bed. I have days I stay in the house and don't talk to people. This human world is painful. As a collective we are not always loving to each other and it makes us want to retreat. We get fearful and wounded. That is part of our human experience.
But the answer, the solution, the "feel better" is always love. You have to open your heart for that.
Sometimes it is not black or white, its not dark or light. Sometimes the "zip up" comes in grey. During those times, it's as if everything is shadow. This is my worst enemy. A trick from our crafty little ego. The "grey" is apathy, it's nothing, its no pleasure or pain. Its' "meh" , its numb, its daily routine, it's sleep walking in the shadows. This is the hardest closure to open. And yet sometimes my greatest teacher is this grey! But I hate it the most!
At least when your in pain or sadness you fight for relief from the black you reach to light the dark. You instinctively swim for the surface. Its harder to tell light from dark, white from black when you are in the grey. Its hard to find your way to the opening when everything looks the same. Blah and Nothing.
There is a clinical term for this feeling of lack of pleasure. This boredom and apathy with what used to please you. It often happens to PTSD post traumatic stress sufferers. Its called anhedonia. Doctors give meds for it. They tell you your depressed.
I am not a doctor. But I know my heart. I know my ego. I know the battle of self mastery. I know what this is.
I call it your ego screwing with you because it wants to control your big old heart. I call it fear based mentality using everything it's got to self defend. I call it the warriors struggle with heart over ego. I know making me passive and apathetic is my fears last ditch effort to zip me up lest I get pulverized by the world again. I know I will beat this. I know my heart will win.
Even as my mind is exhausted from fighting and my body feels weak from the struggle in my mind I know I will win. Why?
Because I have felt my heart burst with love standing in the sand at the oceans edge as dawn came over the horizon. Because I have marveled at the softness of my dogs fur brushing against my bare leg. Because I have felt home in the arms of another's embrace. Because I have felt my heart fill with pride at a job well done. Because I have felt joy when in full connection with Spirit. Because I love these things.
I remember these things and I will not forget them. I remember a thousand memories to bring me back to my big open heart so I will not "zip up" or slam the door shut again.
We all have our memories created to melt the barriers around our hearts. They hold the energy of love. The keep us open even in difficult times - if we allow them. Little is required of us in life except for the task of keeping our hearts open. Do that and the rest comes...
Every once in awhile we start to live in fear again. Its easy to fall back when someone or something in the world threatens us. We start to lick our wounds and we are tempted to pick up the old patterns we find there. But staying there gets us nothing and no love in the end.
After a particular struggle to keep my heart open I went to sleep asking for guidance. The next morning I woke up and pulled a notebook off my shelf thinking to journal for a bit in the early morning hours. I randomly opened it and found a passage I had written some time ago....here is what I found:
DECEMBER 3, 2015
"The interpretive process of who I am as a spiritual and human being is unfolding with little effort on my part. My only job is to stay open and pay attention. I will continue to source my life from the divine channel I am and give divine service to the world. In this I give and receive love to myself and others. I remain open always. "
I immediately felt joy and love in my heart. The wall came down. I was once again"un zipped". I sat curled up in the chair clutching the notebook against my heart, with renewed faith in myself and my battle for mastery over my life. How can anyone close their heart to such a miraculous world as ours? I thought "I want more" as I felt my enthusiasm bubble up for what the day would bring.
Thank You my Universe-
Stay Unzipped - Open to Love -
Peace and Love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose