I blew out my long blonde hair straight and shiny, put on a beautiful dress and a pair of very high heels. When I slide into the drivers seat of my sleek sports car I do one last make up check in the rear view and then drive alone through streets we used to ride together. I swallow a butterfly and he lands under my rib cage as I pull into the parking lot of the local restaurant. Tonight I will attend an important social meeting. You will be there sitting across the room at another round table with your cronies. Drinking and laughing as my club and your club share a joint session. My heart holds no feeling for you. Love used to live there, now there is nothing really. Maybe a little fondness for years spent at your side, in your embrace, comforted by your quite presence. But not much really. No anger or negative feelings, no happy or goodness bubbling inside..just a kind of neutral.
So why the nerves? Because I don't want to falter, I want to fly!
Because tonight I will take my place again. Fill the seat I vacated years ago and left void because of you and the mud you covered us with . Tonight I take back my power and remember who I am. I stand in a space I long ago proudly created. You will no longer keep me away. I am not your victim. I am not the poor dear who was abandoned. I will not be humiliated and talked about. No. Tonight I will not allow that to be my story. Tonight my story changes. I walk alone into the room. I used to walk in on your arm. But I am proud. I am confident. The war is over. It is time for me to return to camp victorious.
I saunter into the restaurant, smile in check. Your mans club members are are all at the bar, one by one they come over with sincere greetings and hugs and kisses all around. I breathe a sigh of relief as I am welcomed with open arms. This is your sandbox and they have just let me in and shared a pail and shovel. You do not look happy. I do not care. I have let go, I am sad for a minute that you have not. Your pain is evident, you are uncomfortable. Your ego doesn't like me on your turf. I don't take on your pain or guilt I shield myself. I am no longer responsible for your feelings... only my own. I have moved on. I have a good life.
Me without you...not so bad.
This evening I shine! Everyone tells me how wonderful I look and that I must be doing well. Compliments come in all sizes and from all around. Some of your friends whisper in my ear , "You look hot!" I just chuckle softly. The kudos mean nothing really, except that they soothe the fear that I would no longer be accepted here in the place I forfeited in our battle. It's almost unbelievable that I have slipped right back into my old well earned seat as smooth as silk. I am feeling pretty elated. I have missed some of these people and the good works we do. I am remembered for past works and successes. I am patted on the back. I get lots of attention. But that is not the victory I came for.
No. The victory I came for has nothing to do with you or anyone else in the room.
This win is about me. I didn't come here for attention and compliments, or to compete with you. I didn't come here to be noticed. I came here for me.
I came to take my place and take back something satisfying to me that I have missed. I came here to make sure I have released you from my life and that you haven't any effect on me anymore. I came here to make sure you no longer matter. I came here to make sure my body and mind found the gear marked N for neutral. I came here to make sure I have moved on and that I am healthy. I came here to see if all the grueling work I have done to grow and move past the debacle that we became was successful. I came to see if I have let it all go. This is my life final. My last test.
I sit across the room and you are in my line of vision. I survey you and sweet Jesus I feel nothing but contentment ... grateful that I am me without you. It feels right. Oh!, how I never thought it would and there it was. I no longer regret the past. There is no mourning the "what if's". I feel no connection, no emotion. I want to jump up and do a fist pump and a woo hoo! but I stay seated the picture of perfect poise.
I am grinning like an idiot, now. I am so freaking happy it is over. My war is over. This moment is only about me and my victory of a fully completed circle back to wholeness.. I no longer give you any importance or influence on my essence.
I realize we have gone around the room introducing ourselves and I am next. I stand and give my name as a past president of my club and I say I am privileged to be a supporter and to know the men in your club because they are a wonderful group of guys. Your "boys" applaud me and shout "Yeah!", they didn't do that for anyone else. It was their way of welcoming me "home". No one could know that their perfectly timed applause washed over me in celebration of the personal victory in my soul. They are cheering on my new life.
They said "you are one of us"! I was so touched, it was beautiful. But even the external reverie could not measure up to joy inside me at my inner victory this night.
I say my goodnights and give hugs all around. I come over to you and I move in for a hug. I feel a warmth. No more than just a human to human feeling and I am truly proud that you will be president of your club soon. But you exude no warmth, there is a frozen chill, an underlying anger and a definite resentment. You are still holding You are not free, for you the war rages on.
I feel a sadness start to seep into my breast for you. And then I look at you and I stop. As I turn to leave I toss my burgeoning sadness back to you. Those feelings are not meant for me they belong to your journey, your battle, it is your own. I have no weapons cocked, I have dropped the rope. I retreated to wash my hands of the tragedy we became. I know I can't write my next chapter if I am still reading the last one.
I separate my journey from yours. I choose me. I forgive you because I deserve to live in peace. My work is done! The love we shared is no longer in our hearts. I released it out in the universe with all the other feelings we brought to each other good and bad.. My life has nothing to do with you. There is no anger, pity, jealousy, grief, sadness, envy, lack or bitter taste. I wish you only peace. I am free! My war is over! You are part of history and you do not influence my future. It must be a miracle but I am over you . I am over us. I am over it!!
Once again I slip into the drivers seat of my sports car, it is time to go home. But I have already come home. Only hours have passed, yet I am completely different and peaceful inside. My energy has shifted. I feel like a new person.
I pass the boat basin on Main Street and am amazed at the big glowing moon in an inky black sky reflected over the water. I remember it is the new moon in Scorpio. New moons are for releasing and letting go.
A perfect moment passes through me as I realize I have never felt so happy in my life! My happiness grows even bigger as I realize the source is from inside me, just me, myself and I sharing this beautiful moment . Basking in the culmination of years of soul work to let go of all that pain and toxic emotion . I have found forgiveness and freedom.
I realize my life belongs to me. I laugh into the night and hit the gas, the spring wind from the open windows tangles my hair, but I don't care all I can think of is that ... I never felt so happy and ...I can't wait for tomorow..! I inhale deeply taking in the salt air, the earth, the inky black sky and the glowing passion of the Scorpio moon!
I made it through....Thank God! I made it through!
Blessings and Happy New Moon...
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose