Human. I suppose being human means sometimes learning to live around things that you will never get over. Maybe some losses are just that deep...
This song reminds me of my marriage. It was my fault I let my life become a "role" I was not aligned with. When you ignore who you are bad things are bound to happen. I was too busy "being fabulous" to understand what is "real". I had a beautiful life come crashing down on me and the destruction was so great it nearly crushed me with it. But in the end the universe gave me no more than what I deserved.
I have a beautiful life now. One that I have carved out of the not too good often crappy clay handed to me in this life. It was a crawl back from the ledge, a slow heavy rise out of the abyss that taught me where to find my joy. Where to find love. And what is "real".
We often look for things to help us find that promised land of happiness we've all heard about somewhere. Isn't the idea of what will make us happy all around us? We grasp for it like hungry babies. There is toothpaste that will give us a brilliant smile, shiny cars that will help us find a new road, workouts to give you a perfect body, vacations that will take you to paradise and online sites that promise to find the love of your life.!
And, finally after we partake in all this false "look at me" indulgence we reward ourselves with a social media "share" to make it "real".
Like a broadway show running constantly our lives are judged under the lights of an audience that never really knows us or who we really are. We get very busy seaching for the next best thing. It's easy to buy in to it all. But it makes us lose our individuality and be confused about who we are, and what will make us happy. Our lives become stuffed with things that have nothing to do with the true essence of us.
Finally, fed up with all these things that leave us wanting and unsatisfied, confused - we start to reach for others. We grasp for a hand - the right hand to lead us to love and happiness. We seek.
In reality what we really want is a connection. We would fare better to come out from behind our images and just be ourselves in that quest. But we don't know that untl the quest teaches it to us.
All those different hands that were in ours at one time or another become the journey. The connections that teach us how to live and how not to. We play roles, become mutable in our quest for love.
My ex- husband and I are casualties of that journey.
Ours was a great love. But in the end neither of us were very nice to each other. In fact we treated each other horribly at one point! It boggles the mind and contracts the heart to think how one person can bring you to the highest ecstacy and lowest dectruction in one life time. We did that to each other. And yet not a day goes by that I do not miss him, and "us". Looking back we really were quite something! We moved mountains together.
Perhaps it is Mercury retrograde or my romantic heart but when I look back I realize that we built a life together that was an amazing one. In the beginning there was great love and desire for a long time. But we became a cliche' the "things" became more important than our love. He was indulgent and I was demanding. He wanted to have fun and I had cancer. He wanted to travel and I wanted to work. I wanted nuturing and he wanted a party. I was exhausted and he was bored. He wanted stroking and I wanted to rest my head. But we were disconnected. Our own needs were more important than the others. That amazing connection we used to feel anywhere, anytime because nothing was ever between us had created a whole "life" of "stuff" between us. In the end one ireversible bad decision on his part suddenly cut the bond between us that I always thought was invincible. And set me free.
When the tether was released it was a free fall. Like I was thrust into outer space with no gravity, only darkness and no reality. After so many years my identity, the "role", I had wedged myself into was so tied to the mothership of my life with him, I had nothing to draw on or start from. I was lost in space looking for a connection. I spun there for awhile and it was absolute horror. Dark days they were...
But then I felt something out there in space..a slight warmth, I heard something too. The faint sound of breath, someone was breathing! And then I felt a pulse, a little electric charge and my body shook with the hope of it. Maybe I wasn't alone out here. After a while I realized it was the exhale of my own sweet breath and the beat of my steady heart. It was "I" that was with me out here in the nothing of my life. I didn't have nothing - I had myself.
I had given her up for dead. Lost in space. A casualty of the bending and molding and scraping and grasping and pretending everything was fine, that had become my life. I had stuffed myself into so many roles I didn't want to play I forgot she was still there under all those costumes. I wasn't the "baracuda" , the cold heartless career woman. I wasn't the "cool wife" ignoring the inappropriate shenanigans. I wasn't the "brave sick" cancer patient pretending everything was fine. I wasn't the "grieving daughter" with the stiff upper lip. I wasn't the "fixer" or the "producer" or the "success story" or "the one in charge" . I was just myself stripped bare and empty. A part of me was relieved and all of me was free.
Soon I wasn't free floating in outer space alone. I noticed the stars with me and the angels and I didn't feel alone. I felt more connected than I had in my so called "real" life. And I used that connection to build a new life. I connected with myself. And I built a life that confirmed her.
I miss my ex husband every day. The real him, not what we became, but what we were. We are no longer, because we stopped being ourselves. If we had remained authentic we would still be. He was a funny, passionate, generous, very charming, adorable, not very dependable, naive, rock and roll, beer drinking, indulgent, smart, lovable, sensitive, big hearted, handsome, in love with me man. I was a beautiful, feircely loving, generous, nuturing, indulgent, go getter, stubborn, controlling, tough, would not let anyone hurt a hair on his head, put him first, build a life for us, passionate, in love with him, woman.
That love and beautiful connection is out in the universe and it's energy will never die. It is real.
But we are not.
We became an ugly cliche. We lost ourselves. I lost me. In my search for support I lost him. And in his search for love he lost me. As I said some losses you never get over. You just learn to live around them. It had to be this way or I would never have found me and this beautiful life I have now.
In the tragedy of it all lies the most precious gift of my life. I have learned to be myself in all things and to remain authentic in all my connections. When it's the real you being loved unconditionally by friends and partners that is where you find paradise and true love.
Human. I am. And had I not been on the ledge, in the abyss or lost in space I would not know what love is, where to find it or how to give it. So you see the great love of my life, did in the end teach me all about love not just by sharing the beauty of it but also by the tragic loss of it.
How could you not miss a love like that? <3
Be yourself always....
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose