I woke up today listening to the rain pouring down very hard as I lay in my cozy warm bed with Sparky somehow at my feet. It was thundering and lightening out. I always want someone with me during thunder storms. Not because I’m afraid but because I want to share the powerful energy of sound and light with someone. I remember another windy, rainy day several years ago when I sat on my Mother’s bed as she was dying. She said she loved to listen to the wind while lying in bed because it made her feel safe and snug. She was 82 and I never knew that about her. It made me wonder, what else I missed knowing about her. What else in life had I missed? We go through life missing so much, until time runs out and it’s too late to share what we really wanted to. We brush off poignant moments with little notice as we hurry off to do seemingly important things. Or we let past hurts rob us of the present gifts offered to us. We let our ego run our life and ignore our hearts. We don’t take enough time for what really matters. We squander opportunities to connect thinking there are more important things. But there are not!
Smiling at my Mom that day while sitting on her bed, my heart hurt. I knew I would not be able to touch her soon. She would be gone. That thought along with the ache in my chest made it so important to hold her hand in mine. The fragility of her life force made me realize I hadn’t always used my time with her as I should have. The truth was a painful blade, but I made its wound count. I looked at her beautiful face as I silently vowed to change and to honor life and love more. And so since then I began observing life and feeling those rare moments of connection with the passion of a whole heart. Sometimes when they happen I stop and take a snapshot with the camera in my mind. I save them up and take them out to relive when I’m lonely or just feeling quiet.
The loss of my Mother was the first loss that made me realize how precious love is. I became aware through her death that our connections with one another are all that really matter in life and that only love is real. Watching her die gave me my first realization for that basis in life. I vowed to never again miss an opportunity to spend time with someone special because of a circumstance my ego tells me to avoid.
Each subsequent loss since then and (there have been many for me) has made that promise stronger and it has become a personal truth and principle in my life. I try never to squander an opportunity to love and to never allow my ego to prevent me from reaching for that opportunity. God gives us the gift of love in so many forms and ways. I don’t believe there is a word to describe how precious love is. To me there is nothing worse in the universe than throwing a gift from Spirit away. And yet, even as my deepest truth is rooted in this, at times it is hard, I struggle. The ego never dies no matter how evolved we are or how open our heart is. That darn ego seems to peek through even the best intentions.
Sometimes I still let life and ego get in the way of my heart’s desire. The past pain of loving the wrong one and the loss of self can make us afraid to be egoless and vulnerable and open our hearts to let another inside. And so fear holds us in check as it winds down the time clock of our life. Sometimes this robs us of something great. And we miss opportunities Spirit gave us.
Why do we do this, when only love is real? Because our ego confuses us into thinking other things are real. Instead of enjoying the beautiful connections offered to us we get bogged down in pseudo conflict and pressures. We get lost in the spirals of thinking and reflection that clutter our mind and prevent our hearts from reaching for the one thing that clears it all up and makes it better. LOVE.
When you have been somewhere that you are not happy or you feel restricted, you lose yourself. When you are not free in a relationship to follow your divine path completely you lose yourself. When you deny yourself alignment with your truth whether it’s your own choice or in deference to another person or situation, you lose yourself. This makes us afraid of love. It makes us see love as a threat to our freedom. Love becomes a negative force that has robbed us of our identity and sense of self. We fear connections that represent that loss and restriction for us.
Through the journey of self discovery we finally find our self and our truth. You would think that this would make it easier to experience love. But at first it makes it harder! Once we break the leash of restrictions and are free to be happy we fight hard to keep away the very thing we think caused our pain and discomfort. Our ego takes over and we refuse to be vulnerable. Our ego stops us from reaching for love. We want to slide into home but we come up short and strike out.
My Mother was a beautiful woman but in relationship a bit difficult. She had anxiety so things in life were done a certain way, her way - or there was guilt and much discomfort. Living with someone like this robs you of the freedom to make choices and develop independently. You feel smothered and so you are taught relationships are a threat to your independence. This planted a seed that my ego watered and fed.
For a long time after my divorce I was not open in relationships with men. Some very nice men pursued me but I could not commit. I can remember sitting over many dinners where I just wanted to bolt. As these very nice handsome men made polite conversation I would be racking up reasons in my head why this would never work and thinking about Sparky home alone. I knew I was blowing some great opportunities for love in my life. I knew there must be something wrong with me and my friends made it clear there was. LOL! But I came up with a bunch of excuses, I was a lone wolf, I was Miss Independent, he was too short, too loud, too quiet, too young, too old, I had work to do, I wanted to travel…and on and on. Until one day I realized I was violating the promise to myself I had made that day on my mother’s deathbed. I was squandering the opportunity for connection. I was running away from love.
My past was creating my present. My husband was not always reliable and often he did not live up to his promises. I often sacrificed what I wanted and ignored my own desires and needs to take on a role I did not want to play. Buried under my own responsibilities and most of his which would have otherwise fallen by the wayside, I lived with tremendous pressure and disappointment. This made me see partnership as a suffocating burden. Once I found myself and got out from under that, I’d be crazy to jump back! So my ego watered those seeds too and told me to detach, retreat and run when all the while my heart wanted to love and be loved.
What I could not see was that my ego was sourcing me with an endless amount of excuses and distractions that were not real. The only thing that was real was my heart’s desire for love which I buried under an unrealistic list of “the way I want my life to be” checkboxes. In my rigid fantasy of life I had boxed myself in so tightly there was no room for love. The one thing that would make my life expand and be complete was pushed aside as it threatened my autonomy.
Each man’s interest was a threat to my identity. The self I fought so hard to uncover and accept and love, was not going to be crushed again or forced into a role I didn’t want to play. No sir, I had enough of that! I saw partnership as restriction. I saw these men as the blade waiting to sever my connection with self. And, so I ran like my hair was on fire. I was afraid.
How could a healer, a spiritual person like me push love away? I teach love, I live love, I am love. I have a huge open heart just waiting to embrace all of life and honor everyone and reach out to love. I embrace the universe and am so moved by its love. I love love!
As committed as I was to my personal truth to be love and never squander an opportunity for love or connection I was doing the opposite here. I was closing my heart to potential partners. And in doing so wasn't I closing my heart to God? Like a beautiful bloom that magically closes back into a tight bud I clamped my heart closed and retreated from every perceived threat to my sense of self. To me these men held the scissors that wanted to cut my stem!
When I closed my heart to love I became my past. I allowed my ego to rob me of an experience and an opportunity to make a connection with another soul and perhaps bring an abundant gift into my life because I was stuck in the past. I was stuck with the identification of love as a negative, a thief and an enemy. This was a tough place to be.
I had learned fear doesn’t keep you safe love does. But would I choose love? You would think love an easy choice. But no it is the hardest choice of all. To choose love with no guarantee, no promise or certainty that you will not be disappointed or betrayed or hurt or worse yet suffocated and restricted when you have felt those deep wounds is no easy choice. Once you’ve ended up on the rocks you always suspect the current will put you there again. How could I trust? What is there to do?
Then I realized how strong I am and how strong my soul is. My “self” my being is made of God. And so I am God. I cannot be lost or stolen or sacrificed or restricted or betrayed, I Am that I Am. This divine love is all and can never be broken. Once you are in touch with this Divine essence the courage of Spirit flows through you. It is this from which you source your own life. No one and nothing can touch that. And so the light within me is never in jeopardy of being dimmed as long as I stay true to my essence in the divine presence of Spirit. By opening to the love of another I was opening to God's love and the gifts He offered me in those opportunities. Once I understood this I was able to let go of my fears and the past and my ego fell away.
When that happens you experience real freedom in life! Letting go of my past I was able to love whole heartedly moving past the restrictions of conditions and circumstance beyond my egos “wants” to the heart of real love.
This kind of love when shared expands your sense of self, encourages independence through the support of stability and elevates your consciousness by creating a safe place to explore the vastness of who we really are. I now realize there comes a time when a healthy partnership is vital to the journey of self discovery for us to continue to grow. It is in relationship that we get unstuck and reconcile our past to no longer see partnership as a threat but as a beautiful space to be embraced for the reward of unconditional love it offers us. As children of God we should have no doubts of losing ourselves when we share ourselves because we hold His strength in our souls. Souls meant to be shared and honored. We are here to love and be loved. When honoring the God in our partners there is no restriction or jealousy or competition.
So, have faith in love and give it all you’ve got whole heartedly. After all only love is real! And I don’t want to miss any opportunity to have it in my life.
Peace and Love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose