Sometimes I don't "get it" I miss the mark, I get lost in illusion. What results is usually a very painful lesson that I somehow never see coming. Being "blindsided" is a running theme in my life. But I handled the latest episode in this ongoing series differently. It did not result in a downward spiral as it usually does. Instead of curling up in a ball and wallowing in misfortune I used the energy as a spring board to restructure some things in my life. In fact, I took action with such fervor I should have had an "under
construction" sign on my forehead as this latest disappointment spurred me to clear many things that no longer serve me.
I had been burdened for months over a friend/business relationship. I thought of this person as a brother, and loyal friend and so I let down the drawbridge and he road into my castle. He made me feel like I was not alone. During a challenging time in my life he became a source of strength for me. But the level of attention he required to keep things smooth between us became a heavy burden. His moods were erratic and gave me anxiety that was draining.
Things got intolerable, so I asked God to help me see the truth. My illusions were lifted as lies were revealed. I never thought it was a deep as it was but this person was an awful manipulator from day one who used my vulnerable state to take advantage of me.
It was a painful experience. I realized I had trusted someone who was using me and I had been blind to it. That realization led me to another... I was worth more and loved myself too much to allow this in my life! I cleared him from my life completely, totally, unequivocally.
Strangely I didn't get mad. In the past I would have been furious and felt the need for a big confrontation. But not this time!
He was unimportant, I was my main concern. This was an important turning point for me. I realized I truly was thinking more about myself and what I desire and deserve. I would not tolerate less. I had been here in this place before, betrayed and devastated I would lick my wounds and go down the, oh well get over it road and go about life. I would make excuses and tell myself it wasn't so bad!
Not this time. This time I took a different road, the one where questions begged for answers. Questions like - What the hell was he doing in your life? Why did you allow this? I went deep and I talked to my soul. It really had nothing to do with the other person- this was about me. I realized every one of these situations was caused when I let my walls down and brought someone into my life because I believed I needed help or couldn't "do it alone". I thought I couldn't handle things without someone "in my corner". I am such a strong capable person. Why is that the "story" I have been telling myself? .Why don't I think I am capable of doing things alone?
My lack of self worth allowed me to bring people into my
corner who were never capable and were undeserving of my trust and kindness.
This was not something I wanted to continue so I took a life review and I had a revelation. Once I realized the source of this pattern I broke it. What I realized was very life changing....
Parents... are so important for us. They are the creators of our self worth. They sow the seeds of our confidence and security. The attention they give us gauges how we feel about ourselves our whole lives. We want to make them proud. We want them to "see" us. "Look at me Daddy!" When they don't "see" us we become invisible - sometimes for a lifetime. I grew up in a chaotic sometimes violent house. There were holes in the walls and broken furniture. The police came sometimes. My father alternated between "regular" Dad and violence. When I was not the target I would sit in my closet until it was over. But I knew the degradation of curse words I was too young to understand. I knew the sting of the belt on my little bare legs or the "plunk" of having my small arm pulled out of its socket. And afterwards there was remorse and sorrow. I was ashamed and even as a small child I could feel his shame too. And yet I loved him and I wished for "regular" Dad a lot. I believe that is when I was taught to allow someone to treat me bad and think it was OK.
One of my fondest memories is going to Crab Meadow beach as a family. I would cry "uppie go" and my Dad would carry me over the hot sand to our spot. I felt so safe pressed against "my Daddy" for those fleeting moments. I forgave his limitations long ago and I accept that he could never carry me at any other time in my life. But I guess those moments in his strong arms felt so good after the pain that ...I've been looking for someone to "see" me and carry me over the hot sand ever since. Maybe I have often accepted bad behavior in my quest for that. But I now know I can carry myself.
5 Days afer clearing my "fake friend" I got sick. Really
Sick! In bed for 6 days with a high fever, flu, bronchitis, purging so bad I dehydrated. My body was releasing the toxins of a lifetime pattern. I was feeling retched but I took my illness as a sign that I truly had broken the pattern and my body was releasing it. I knew my dis- ease would bring me ease when it was done.
As awful as I felt - I lay in bed alone, but I wasn't scared. For the first time .. I felt secure in myself. My new confidence made me realize, I didn't need anybody in my corner, to "see" me or to carry me. As sick as I was, I had no doubt I was going to be ok! I was purging and it gave me a peaceful calm.
During this time I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year. He was one of my motivations for clearing the unhealthy "friend" situation. As I lay there sick in bed my Boyfriend broke up with me. It was devastating but I still felt solid in my new found inner security. I felt stronger than ever before. I would be ok.
In some ways my then Boyfriend was the one who brought me to that place of strength. His strong grounding presence gave me a solid platform to fight from. Without him in my life at the time I may have been to weak and scared to clear the bad situation I was in. But his presence helped me believe in myself. Even though he is not aware of it, he also gave me the courage to go deep wihin and break the patterns that caused that situation to happen in the first place. My relationship with him was the healthy and brought me to a higher good. I regret not showing my true passion for him and holding back emotions out of a misguided belief that it was more in keeping with the way he wanted me to be. But I focus on my gratitude for the place he brought me to. He made me think, woke me up.. And in a strange way I hope I planted seeds that awakened him too. It was a wonderful connection that I am grateful for even if it ended too soon. There was a synchronicity to it.
My mind often goes back to a different day on another beach. One very different than the one from my childhood. Where that same Boyfriend had me do a silly "trust fall". A moment I now describe as silly in an effort to minimize it, but in truth it was a significant moment for me in a significant relationship in my life. For someone who has been building walls and protecting herself for a life time that "trust fall" was no easy task. Looking back now I don't believe I would have been able to do that with anyone
else I have met on this earth so far. It was the right souls- right time. In that moment as I fell backwards into his arms under the night sky, I reached for him, I reached for love and he caught me. I finally understood that fear doesn't keep you safe love does. The seed for the "new" me was planted back then.
As I fell back into his arms it reminded me of the feeling of being in my Dads arms as he carried me over the sand as a child. It was then I understood my fear created wrong choices. My fear of not being enough of not being able to do things on my own made me grasp for less than what I deserved. In the end it was only love and trust that got me what I deserved. When I trusted without fear I was supported by strong arms that could carry me.
It is living in love not fear that creates a better reality!
I am using the energy of my new found security and confidence to restructure my life. I will never allow anyone to drain me or dim my light ever again. I am focused on creating the life I desire free from the blocks that caused unhealthy situations in the past. I am living from a higher good. I know this revelation has liberated me and will transform my relationships to a new level of intimacy and understanding. This change has made me more "present" in my life. More alive.
I believe the fake friend , my Dad and my ex boyfriend were soul mates to me, meant to cross my path as teaching souls meant to guide me with wisdom or pain.
In this human experience we share, we are all here to learn from each other. I learned that we have many different Soul Mates in life. They can be friends, lovers, parents,enemies, siblings, co workers...these teaching souls are part of our soul cluster and we are meant to interact with them within this lifetime for a reason. If we learn from our experiences it brings us to a higher good. My definition of Soul Mate is someone who touches your soul, your higher self ,in a profound way that opens a door or teaches you something. This connection can be good or bad but it makes you different and your life is different from knowing them. No matter what the outcome we should celebrate these soul connections. Connections/ Soul Mates that change your life with lessons come from many different places if you are aware and "pay attention".
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose