It's no secret...I've been a lot of places in my life. I have been many different things to many different people. And I have been many different things to me. I have often felt invisible and at other times I sadly wished I were invisible. Looking back both were equally difficult. It doesn't matter which side of the coin you are on. Life is overwhelming whether you are noticed or feel insignificant.
When I was a little girl I hid in closets during the violence, repeating over and over in my shattered little mind "I'm not really here". The mantra that was my saving grace for the first 30 years of my life, had the ability to make me numb in an instant. It carried me through just about everything. A lifetime was lived, but never really felt, as I receded to survive. Anxiety, depression, illness, abuse, never really mattered because "I wasn't really here"! A harsh early life had rendered me a mere sleepwalker on the earth insulated by thick walls of fear and shame. Nothing much could wake me, I was in deep detachment. Life has little taste when you are afraid of choking on every bite. When you are afraid to feel too much because you just can't bear it, your broken heart will never mend.
I was lucky. I got tired of living that way and allowing life to pass me by. But the catalyst for that was my ex husband Mark. When I met him he swept me off my feet and I could feel for the first time in maybe..ever.. love pour into my heart. His child like bravado and fun loving heart were startling against my very grey walls. I woke up from my deep slumber. No longer insignificant when reflected in his smile, his presence made me feel so connected and alive it made me want more. I suppose it was how the stars were aligned for us, that when he looked at me I felt bold and beautiful and confirmed. In his eyes and within the energy of "us", I was indeed here! In some ways it was like a Disney fairy tale where the Princess gets kissed back to life.
Healing my wounds was the key to feeling again and living from my heart. While I credit Mark with opening my door to love, in the end he was far from my healing Prince or happy ending. All fairy tales end when the clarity of their fantasy breaks through mirror and we see our illusions turn to the reality of never was. Inevitably, many of the wounds I were contracted in the lifetime to heal were ones inflicted by him. And of course inflicted by myself, for choosing the wrong medicine to heal me. Perhaps vulnerability was the very reason I fell for him in the first place. They say you shouldn't startle a sleepwalker awake... I was disoriented and vulnerable, and completely unprepared for the headiness that was us, after all those years of being numb and locking my heart with insignificance.
I learned healing is something you do on your own. There are no crutches worthy of holding up your soul, no matter how beautiful and attractive they seem. It is only you and a higher power that can complete you and make you see the masterpiece you are.. When you realize that - you become invincible!
A big part of my healing was releasing the fear of loss I associated with loving and being vulnerable. That came when I realized I had never been alone. Not really. Not as a child in the closet nor any of the other repulsive and desperate places I have found myself from time to time.
My longing for invisibility was really an invincible little girl taking care of the future Georgia. I was born a survivor. I was taking care of me from the start and I would always take care of me, with a little help from above. I had myself and I was not alone. While I was busy trying to be invisible I was in fact protecting my invincible self, that beautiful soul in the core of me. I just hadn't met her yet.
When I started to strip away my layers, I found my heart and soul beautifully preserved in a cocoon of my own making. My heart had been waiting for me to discover it when the time was right. After enough tragedy - the time was right. When you have nothing left to lose you stop being afraid. Stripped bare you have to look at the only thing left- yourself.
I have been many places and I have been many things. There are people who love me and there are those who would run me over with their car if they saw me crossing the street! It all depends on when they met me, what phase of my work/life I was in. Life is work, its gritty and nasty and sad and happy and beautiful. We can be ugly or good. We can be cold or embracing. I've been everything.
Mine, like all of us, was the process of survival. As many of us know- you can't love when you are just trying to survive , you have to drop the gun, the rope, the sword. Survival life is a soap opera, a TV sitcom life acted out against a backdrop of abuse, humor and bat shit crazy tragedy that becomes OUR STORY. As we act out our wounds in every situation and relationship without understanding ourselves and healing the root cause of our reactions, we spin in a web of repetition, that wounds us further. It is only in the awareness of the patterns, we start to see how we can change our fractals. It's a lot of work to pull out a domino from the row to stop the fall. But with enough bravery and help from the universe it can be done. Exercising that valor and faith is what reveals our beauty and magnificence!
We can hide from our story and crave invisibility or we can embrace it all and give our invincible self the chance to change our story. Yes, you are invincible, I promise! That soul you carry has been with you and will be with you eternally. Every challenge is a new chance to prove that we are truly invincible and that we deserve to embrace all life has to offer. When we open to that, we realize we are not alone. We feel the higher power within us, supporting us. I have many profound mantras now. I no longer chant "I'm not really here" to make an unbearable situation, bearable.
Now I call out to God and Angels and I often feel their presence inspiring me, rooting for me and giving me the strength I need to heal wounds, be courageous, face truth and live my best life. When I give myself the chance to triumph and I don't go numb I am no longer afraid and vulnerable . I am powerful and connected to something far greater than myself and that makes me feel invincible. Tuned in to a higher power - I am invincible. Suddenly the world grows calm and less scary and I triumph over the hardest times.
After a particularly scary moment, I often look back and wonder sometimes how I found the courage to do what I've just did... I am reminded that the Angels and God our creator will never fail me and most of all I will never fail myself. Trust in the Universe is Huge but trusting myself is even bigger!
We all have times like that - where we can't believe we survived or made it through a particularly hard time but we know someone was watching over us.
The most powerful part of that for me is knowing our soul is invincible! We are never alone..
I never wish I was invisible anymore. Overcoming obstacles and getting to be a part of everyday miracles is so cool...I don't want to miss a thing!
Peace and love- Georgia Rose
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose