In a day, in a blink everything I believed in was gone. As my threshold of reality crumbled, I could feel its jagged pieces give way and the ground became spongy under my feet. The heat bolt that sharded through my belly warned me too late as it became part of my violent fall through the floor. The room blurred then and words could not form as my heart raced out of control – all systems gone! Paralyzed and shocked my scream died in a silent throat never to be heard. My descent gained speed and I numbly yet painfully understood why they call this a breakdown.
My life was broken. I was broken. Secrets were revealed and within their truth my life was destroyed with such far reaching consequences as to unravel all I thought was real. My life crumbled. Destroyed by the huge fault line of lies that had been silently laying underneath the kingdom of my charmed life. I was blind and deaf to their rumblings until the day they finally opened and swallowed the castle, the prince, the horses, the knights, my draw bridge and me whole. It was a total breakdown, rendered on purpose by a perfect, yet unknown universe as I cursed it.
I fell hard and fast into the abyss. Yes, ironically, I fell with the same force with which I had tackled everything in my life. The wind tore the clothes from my body, stripped my identity bare and rendered me so empty that my hollow being hurt to breathe. This ultimate punishment was designed to get my attention. My supply and all its sources ceased to exist within these dark unending depths. With an unforgiving jolt the far away floor slammed into my back and eternity became a sliver. Bereft and desperate I was reduced to a piece of human dust looking up for a crumb of light supply.
The universe had my attention now.
How I had been through so much in my life to end up here boggled my mind. It was unfair and made me angry and tired and faithless. I thought I had left the tragedy and shame of my origins behind. I thought I was safe in the world I worked so hard to create. I had worked so hard to control and carefully orchestrate everything to insulate myself from this very place.
People who dress for dinner and have huge shiny Christmas Trees and vacation in Europe don’t beat their kids or cheat on their wives or have the cops on the front lawn. They live beautiful lives where repulsive things don’t get to ride across the drawbridge. Doesn’t status and money and prominence and success give you the power to hold abandonment and shame at bay?
Maybe castles and BMW’s and diamond bracelets and market share and awards and fancy friends and handsome husbands don’t keep you safe after all. I had sourced my life from my marriage and my business and my friends and my “stuff”. It was all meaningless now. My life had been a lie, although I was the last to know. I built on a foundation that was never real. My husband had a hidden agenda, as did most of the people around me and the universe had other ideas of what I was supposed to be. Everything I thought was perfect was in fact all wrong.
My identity so strong and deep and bold, was false for me, forged from fear and created by survival. It was pitiful but, only the universe had known that. I was clueless and now I was rendered empty by what I saw as this punishing and undeserved breakdown of everything I held dear.
I had just about lost all faith. From this desperately painful and horrific place where rock bottom was underneath my back like spongy quick sand, I looked up for a sliver of something to help me. Even in this dark abyss I reasoned if I could look up, I could get up but I needed a rope – maybe a few ropes – lifelines to pull me up.
My parents had died 6 months apart from each other about a year before this time and I was too busy to grieve during my “fabulous” life. I found myself with plenty of time to do that now. And so, I started to think about my Mom a lot. At first the grief was too heavy to bear but then it lightened as I allowed wisdom to push through. Mom gave me such a strong faith in God and had taught me to pray the Rosary. We always went to Catholic mass and I had been Catholic School educated. I started to pray, and think about things the nuns had taught us. Because of Mom my loss of faith in the dark didn’t last long. Laying on the floor of my abyss I could sense I wasn’t alone. God was there and I turned to him.
I suppose this is when the Breakdown became the Break Through. I started to go to mass and it gave me some peace but I was still in despair. After receiving communion one day I had an epiphany. I was so alone and afraid lost in the shadows of every bad and painful thing that had ever happened to me. Shadows were all around me like boogie men driving me insane with desperation to escape from this lonely darkness. And then I realized you can’t have shadows without light. There was light coming from somewhere in this abyss because it had lit these shadows so I could see them. I was supposed to see them. I was supposed to embrace them and feel their fear and reconcile it. This was not my punishment. It was all a gift from God. The Universe had given me a breakdown so I could heal and create and build a new me, a new identity and a new kingdom.
This breakthrough would be the beginning of my Break Out. My break out from years of fear and shame was just beginning. This was the first step – the awakening and the gratitude of it all.
These thoughts opened so much amazing energy in my life. Miraculously and still quite painfully my healing began. It would be a long time and many discoveries before I learned how to live in the light. It takes extreme highs and lows to teach you what you value. But once I understood what was happening I had a path to follow out of the dark. And so, began my road map populated with signs that led me to places and people and experiences and wisdom that once I was open to came in rapid divine fire. Yoga, meditation, reiki, gurus, angels and divine masters were seemingly thrown at me from a place and power I never knew of before.
When God and the Angels have a plan for you they ring it loud and clear. Once this beautiful bell begins to toll you can’t unring it. It calls you to do the work of your soul and it grows louder and louder as you stand incredulous in its song. My breakdown was no punishment but a blessing. I was being anointed and confirmed as a beautiful creation of God. I now saw that we all are thus and I began to honor each person’s soul including my own.
This was indeed a breakout as I crawled out from under crippling fear and shame into joy and love and trust. I was no longer falling through the floor to land at the bottom of an abyss. Now the universe had my back and was shining light all around me.
Many of you my dear readers have taken this path and are warriors on the journey. Your bravery and valor has not one unnoticed. This journey is a long and excruciating creation of a new identity. One that aligns us with what the Universe wanted of us all along. But molding and bending oneself into divine alignment to live in love and joy is a bone breaking and soul shattering trip. As we destroy what our egos have created we feel frightened and groundless and most of us run back to our old ways and try to shut out the call of a different life. For other’s it is a long and arduos journey of two steps forward and one back. We are always trying to find the key that will make life and its path easier. We are the sacred key. If we just stop to listen we will awaken to the signs meant to lead us to that which keeps us on the journey. For me it was many things. Complicated channels from Arch Angels as well as a daily yoga practice. Something as simple as laying in meditation at the end of my practice with my back against the earth on my yoga mat reinforces every day that the Universe does indeed have my back and fear is unreal. It is important to find what keeps us on this beautiful and deep path of light. When seeking the most important place to look is within.
For most people the journey of enlightenment culminates with their own improvements. Better health, better relationships and healing things in their own life is a wonderful goal and great accomplishment. But I believe a true Breakout should be taken a step further.
The journey of enlightenment is not just for us alone. It happens for a much bigger reason. Our personal truth and healing comes when our breakdown empowers us to become that which we needed to be for ourselves before our life broke down. It is in this fulfillment that we become aligned with our divine purpose. Our divine purpose is found when we become what the universe needs us to be, not just for ourselves, but for others. We are meant to heal and then we are meant to break out and go forth to heal the world.
This is the true purpose of the journey. Your break down happened so you could be enlightened to heal the world. The trials and struggles were not a punishment but a gift. Your suffering was an act of healing you were privileged enough to be blessed with for all beings. Our purpose is to reach up and connect to this Ultimate source to help others by using the Infinite Intelligence to shine the light within us.
Each of our experiences on this road are unique to us. In this we become compassionate and patient and loving in particular ways and this hones special nurturing and understanding within each of us. Whatever is our wound becomes our place of healing. Whatever is our fear becomes our place of empowerment. Whatever was our loss becomes our gift. We are all a beautiful masterpiece of triumph over that which we struggle. You were created and given this triumph to help another who walks in that place of darkness where you once were, to show them there is light among their shadows. In this we become the living proof of a God that never leaves us wanting or deprived and lives in all of us.
I had a break down. I had a break through. And then I used it all to Break out. Through this healing we can source our lives and fulfill our divine purpose.
Peace and love on your journey,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose