Part of our journey to self awareness is to look at the things we use to fill our voids. Only introspection can reconcile those holes.
When I was a child I had one best friend who lived right next door. We were inseparable spending all our time together including sleep overs and eating dinner at each other's houses. We would spend summer days together until it was dark and then talk to each other through our bedroom windows across the side yard from each other's houses. I suppose spending time with her was a lifeline in the noisy chaotic sometimes violent house I was growing up in. Life circumstances would come to separate she and I when my family was torn apart. And for me that special innocent friendship of youth was never experienced again. For most of my youth and adulthood I only had one or two close friends, never really seeking large groups of people around me. I experienced much familial abandonment and this left me guarded and often times preferring a quiet lonely path instead of noisy places and groups.
But there came a time when I switched roads and started to take the busier path and began seeking that instead of the road less traveled. I could blame my boisterous sales career or a party loving husband for this change of preferences but that would not be honest. No, it was me that suddenly started to fill my life with "noise" to plug up the holes from things too painful to leave open. There were losses that I won't describe here because their details are not significant. The significance of them is in my desperate denial and distraction of their very existence.
I suppose life is normally given to us in bites we can chew, and when it is not we set up defenses like denial and distractions to make it palatable. These poor coping mechanisms allow us to swallow mouthfuls of grief and anger and sorrow, loss we would otherwise choke to death on. We use some kind of anesthetic, drugs , drink, sex, work...whatever makes us numb enough to swallow what is so distasteful.
My drug of choice was people! My cold empty home felt better with music and people. My empty heart that longed to give love, soI threw lots of parties. Instead of being alone with my thoughts I collected enough people so that there was always an event to attend or a place to go that kept my thoughts at bay. The lists grew and grew and my associations grew further and wider. Celebrations became my medicine.
At first I collected all the " right " people and traveled in the " best" circles. But when life circumstances once again drastically changed my course many of those liaisons fell away. The universe had decided to bring me some tragic events that pushed my status out of popularity into obscurity.
But I still clung to my addiction to I started to lower the standard of who was collected. I became rebellious to the person I used to be and diminished my own standards. When I ran out of rich topsoil, I filled my voids with sand, and when I ran out of sand I started to use dust.
Unfortunately building on sand and dust as a support in life is a recipe for disaster. Soon most of the friends in my life were characters that did not support my authentic self. In fact they were actually harmful to my growth and true agenda in life. And so the lower characters pushed out many of my friends of higher character as people walked away from me shaking their heads. In my desperation I began to reach down instead of up for the supply to fill my void. Soon I didn't recognize who I was becoming. Now, isn't that the definition of addiction?
And with most addictions the bottom comes...I began to feel lonelier when I was out with my "friends" than I did at home. I began to see that many of the people I surrounded myself with were not trustworthy or supportive to me. As my void attracted people that should not have been in my life to begin with, I was let down and used often. And when those times came I had no one to turn to because my true friends were disgusted.
What was the thing driving this addiction to people? The losses that originated in childhood and grew into an abyss in adulthood created a relentless and devastating longing ... for a FAMILY.
In the absence of that longed for connection and support, I sadly collected people that I tried to make my family. But in my desperate choosing of quantity over quality I was often left hurt and betrayed. I was easy prey for those that fill their own voids with manipulation and control and use others. I was often their victim after my poor judgement was to blame.
I was unhappy and I started to want more for myself. The awareness of my void demanded reconciliation. I stopped using people to keep my thoughts away. I started to stay home in that cold empty house I dreaded and be alone with my thoughts.
I was always good at being alone and entertaining myself but this was different. Ono longer avoided introspection in my solitude, I embraced it. At first I had never heard silence so loud. I made pen and paper my only friends for awhile. I wrote and journaled through the lonely nights and poured out my feelings across pages in the silence of my home until the cacophony inside my head made the silence disappear. I turned to my faith and my angels and myself for company. They were all dependable and life affirming. I went deep in my voids and studied them while I healed the wounds that caused them with the new energies of faith and love I had found. I meditated and did yoga. This gave me the strength to sweep my holes clean of the other less healthy fillers and
My time alone and clearing things made me understand it all. I cleared my porch of the characters and things who no longer served my best purpose. I learned to be my own best friend and to be my own family.
Something amazing started to happen!Slowly the right characters started to show up. It was synchronicity that brought me these loyal and amazing true friends. When I started to be authentic with myself, authentic people came into my life. I was self correcting and the universe was rewarding me by reversing my circumstances. The sand and dust blew away as the rich topsoil once again came to me.
For 20 years I used to have a huge Christmas Party every year. It grew to over 100 people with a heated tent off the back of my house. These last few years that has steadily diminished as my life takes on a new momentum. The party that was once the annual ritual I judged my status by has morphed into a soulful gathering of the people I value most. The huge fake and fancy party is long gone and I am most relieved and grateful it has disappeared.
This year I celebrated when I opened sacred space and had a Reiki share and pot luck dinner with about 10 people, my closest friends. A beautiful tradition to be shared by people who are not just fillers but my tribe. As my home filled with laughter and shared stories I felt the warmth of family and the true heart cords that connect us all.
We are a tribe. We laugh and live, bury our dead and celebrate life, love in authenticity. We share and support each other. They are the circle that brought me full circle.
We sometimes we go out and we party because we all love music and we love to dance. Those times are not our main purpose but yet another of the many spaces where we share joy. Our connections are based on being present for ALL the meaningful events of our lives.
I am grateful and blessed that I fill my own voids now. My addiction to people is over. I have learned to choose my associates wisely. My life is a sacred space that I choose to open carefully to those things and people and places that bring me to a higher good and give me joy and love.
So many of us have fought so hard to create our beautiful lives. It is important we learn to honor what we bring into our universe. Honor your universe and watch the beauty unfold.
Peace and Love
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose