Just a couple of years ago there was a time when Saturday evenings were determined by a group of hard partying friends. We planned the nights festivities via social media by what band was at what bar or who was having a birthday. It was an amazing and heady time of rebellion and second childhood, when I sorely needed a distraction from tremendous loss and trauma in my life. I was broken and when I was "out" I didn't feel broken. Those friends from my "lost era" will always have a special place in my heart because they truly filled my void for a time and I am grateful.
The excitement of live music and being caught in the vibe of a crowded club dancing was medicine for my lost soul who at home had never heard silence so loud. The attention of the "in" crowd, my posse soothed my bruised ego while the sense of belonging healed the fact that I was unwanted by the one I had given my all, my everything to.
To be told you are beautiful and funny, even by strangers when you have been rejected by your own husband is quite brilliant for someone like me. Or someone like I was. I needed to belong. it made me feel better. To be invited and wanted was everything to me after I had been so abruptly and cruely uninvited from my whole life. The excitement and high of it became my life line. As selfies and huge group photos of parties and "going out" became the chronicle of my new "look at me" "I'm doing great" "who needs you" awesome and fabulous life, I forgot to "be me".
That's what happens when you get caught up in the external to avoid dealing with the internal. Before long my crutch became an addiction. A middle age peer pressure self inflicted by my fear to mis- step and be tossed "out of the group". I had to keep up or miss out on all the fun and believe me I was having epic fun!! Since the alternative was sitting home and feeling awful loneliness and deep pain I did NOT want to be out of this posse!
And so it wasn't long before Saturday evenings turned into, Friday and Saturday night and Sunday afternoon and Weds night and ..... yeah, this crowd could "turn it up" as they say. And I was more than happy to participate in the awesome circular pattern of a party life better than I had ever dreamed of . These were fun people, great times and I loved them...once upon a time.
But the thing about patterns that rotate around one common thread is they never move forward and the thread always gets tired and eventually weakens and breaks. We humans have many emotions meant to progress us forward, when we try to stay in only one mind set it never lasts. Whether it is negative like depression or positive in a weee...party fun way, eventually it changes. Vibrations always change, we can't harness one frequency for very long, sooner or later we must let it go. We honor vibrations best when we send them out into the universe to live in space and time as history or future. Life is only what is now and we do better when we face that and stay fully present in our always evolving reality. As our soul evolves so does our vibe.
We humans have more than one thread, these many threads of emotion are made to progress us forward and give us experiences to teach us. We are meant to feel the energy of our emotions = in motion. This expands our wisdom and compassion and ability to love.
My stint as a "party animal" came to a grinding halt one Labor Day weekend. After 3 days of non stop fun I was dancing on the deck of a packed bar on Fire Island. It was Monday Labor Day at 5 pm and I didn't want this amazing summer to end...ever! I could see the ocean under a brilliant blue sky as I danced with my friends in damp bathing suits and beach cover ups. We were all tanned and golden and laughing in the wind. In the distance I heard the ferry blow his horn over the jam of a particular fun dance tune. I turned to see the ferry pull up in the distance. The band was rockin' the deck and all was well and suddenly something came over me. I grabbed my beach bag from behind a huge speaker and hugged everyone goodbye. "Where are you going" , they all asked, "I gotta go" , I said and started to run for the ferry flip flops in hand!
I don't know what came over me..maybe I had enough medicine and I knew it was time. Maybe I was just tired or maybe I was finally strong enough to face the real music, not the noise from the bands speakers but the tune of my real life. The one with the sad scary rythym, I had avoided for 2 years. The one my life really was, not the lyrics I created for face book photos.
On the ferry the tears started to come...but it was ok I knew the truth. The beautiful blue eyes behind the big sunglasses needed to look inside not outside to find the party. I knew this was going to hurt like hell. But I knew there was no other way. It had to be done. The thing I was searching for wasn't on the dance floor I knew I would find it in my heart. Everything on the ferry seemed surreal and far away. I was a balloon losing its air I had finally started to come down from it all. The descent was finally unavoidable.
I drove home feeling more deflated but determined to sit with the heaviness. I made scrambled eggs for dinner and sat on my couch literally for the first time in 2 years. I couldn't stand to be in that room of memories before now. But there I sat and faced the silence. I was never ore afraid in my life. I never heard silence so loud that it pierced my very fiber. But I sat and made myself listen. It would be the beginning of a long silence in my life. Party people don't like you when you don't attend their parties. They never step into your silence. It is just the way of those things. They have different purposes. I chose them to have fun and I chose to self correct to do my work . There was no way to sync those vibes.. so this work would be done alone for now.
I am a woman of many colors and many frequencies. I will always look for the next color, the next vibration, so I can fully revel and connect with all life offers. This appetite for life is what gave me the ability to self correct. It gives me the ability to enjoy an amazing guitar riff and feel its bliss with my entire soul and to know the depths of great loss and feel its sorrow deep in my marrow. Whatever the song it fills space in my hollow bones and makes me know who I am. There is a strange freedom and stability in knowing I can experience it all and feel alive. But that doesn't mean its not scary sometimes. Intensity is powerful but necessary.
That is what gave me the power to self correct. Somehow I knew that no matter how much I partied the silence and pain hung just outside the fringe and it was in control as long as I avoided it. I had to deal with it sooner or later. Even if that meant a hard time where I basically alone and had no friends.
Those times were very difficult. But I reinvented myself and learned to make different choices. It was a long road but I have created beautiful and meaningful connections now by living in truth to who I am. I look at where I choose to seek pleasure and if it is good for me.
Times have changed...and as my vibe changed so did my friends.
When I finally faced my life the universe brought people in that helped me and loved me and I was able to do the same for them. I learned friendship is meant to be balanced and equal. When we only allow people into certain parts of our life that is all we have...those parts. But when we share all things equally without fear of judgement it is more loving.
Last night was a beautiful evening in my home as I held a Reiki share and Pot Luck dinner. Tears came to my eyes as I looked around the room once so haunted with loss I was once afraid to sit in it. It was Saturday night and I and my home were so filled with love it was bursting with it!
I thought there would be about 10 of us sharing Reiki and a beautiful meal after. But as the day progressed friends called to say they wanted to bring friends. We ended up with quite a crowd of people and 5 Reiki practitioners for what can only be described as a "love in". Lost in space doing Reiki I felt the universal love of the world around us. Time after time in the distance,I heard the front door opening and more coming. As I looked around the room and saw my friends gathered in love and fellowship I marveled at how far I have come! I am connected with such beautiful souls who share my music and my silence. I marveled at how true it is that our vibration attracts or repels love.
I am grateful so very grateful for all this love and knowing I created and reinvented my life to be so rewarding is a miracle to me. My once shattered heart has healed through these connections.
I made myself feel wanted, invited and loved! And it is reflected back at me.
Knowing the best is yet to come is such an amazing feeling when your heart is already full!
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose