For a few months earlier this year I struggled with anxiety and migraines. It seemed like this would often happen after doing readings or some psychic event. It put me in avoidance as I stopped doing spiritual work for a time out of fear . For those of you who know me, I am sure its hard to understand because I source my life from these connections so deeply. It was obviously not a joyful experience for me. It put me in my head too much and made me detached. I could feel my connection with Spirit but I was restraining it, so it was not as powerful as usual.
Remember that feeling when you were a kid in a big swimming pool. You loved the way the water felt, so fun and refreshing but you were afraid of the deep end? You swam around creating imaginary boundaries of what felt safe to venture towards and what didn''t. Soon you had a loop of how far you would go before you turned around. My meditations and Spirit connections became like that.
This was so unnatural to me! From the beginning of my journey when I found bliss and oneness I flew with Angels and spoke with Spirit without boundaries or hesitation. I gladly dove off cliffs in my mind to spread my wings without provocation happy to reach for Samadhi to deep water of Divine Bliss and enlightenment. I am an expert spiritual swimmer diving in to deep unconditional love with no fear and sourcing my life from it. But suddenly I was wading in a lukewarm kiddie pool and going home!
What was going on?
This went on for a couple of months in the early part of 2018. I knew it was partly a symptom of fragmenting myself to live in 2 worlds for a long time. A high powered career and a Spiritual Healer with a loving presence are difficult to merge without judgment and duality and burn out. I was well versed at being kind to myself and self care and as much non judgment as possible but we humans are conditioned to put everything in column A or B, good or bad, right or wrong, should we , shouldn't we! And we have many people around us more than willing to hand us a "rulebook" that although we know we should ignore, still stirs and triggers our instincts and emotions.
My journey thus far has taught me a lot about ego.. My earth bound life stuffed with lovable but competitive sales people is swathed in egos and the "unreal " stuff, I have learned to prevail by bringing in the "real" stuff- love, compassion, deep listening, wherever possible. Strangely what used to make me unpopular before, now when done with love is accepted and sometimes craved by others. Or maybe that's not strange at all....
So I knew this new challenge of mine with anxiety and migraines was coming from my ego. It was scared I might give up corporate life and its trappings altogether for a monastery in Tibet - it did seem the way I was headed.... I knew part of my ego hated that idea- it was too attached to the BMW convertible and my long blonde hair to trade it in for a donkey and shaved head! And while I acquiesced that I was after all human, I also berated myself and my ego as shallow and ridiculous and battled it to stop preventing me from my path. I thought of Pema Chodrun, the Buddhist Nun and her journey and reasoned I should be more like Pema - I bet she didn't have anxiety attacks! I fought hard. The anxiety got worse. I isolated. My ego was beating the shit out of me. I sat home every night and weekend alone with my ego the monster of fear. Struggling for my life and my future.
One day. my friend Terry. called and asked me to have a Reiki night for the ladies from Babylon Breast Cancer as I had done for 3 years and recently took a "hiatus" from. I couldn't say no. I scheduled one. That day around 3pm I started to get sick but I refused to cancel. Normally I would never do Reiki if I was sick but something inside me told me this was asymptomatic. I knew it wasn't real! My ego was pulling out every trick in the book. But I refused to cancel.
I did the Reiki Circle with helpers that night, my body aching but so connected to divine light I refused to give in. I was back where I belong flying with the Angels and in service to heal others. We had a huge crowd and had to do some people on the table and some in chairs. Finally everybody left and I took my temperature it was 101 and I was congested. Fuck you ego, I thought, you can kill me in my sleep, but I will still have this beautiful evening in my soul! And I went to bed.
The next morning I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck but ignored myself - I went to work at my earth bound job. The anxiety attack started on the drive in. ... I started to cry. Enough was enough! How could I keep going on like this? Going from bliss and connection to these awful feelings of fear and painful headaches and now flu? It was too much and the battle between ego and soul was getting to me. I invoked the healing energy of the night before and I surrendered. I pulled over to the side of the road. I cried and I talked to God. All the duality came pouring forth - the please let me do my healing work and let me release this stupid ego and fear and help me not be so shallow and get rid of this illusion of security through things like a job.....you know all the stuff we are conditioned about as spiritual warriors to be. And I took a deep breath and I felt my ego rise up and the fear with it. And I started to get angry at it and myself again. Then I realized that was exactly the problem. The judgment and the anger as I "battled " this ego that was full of fear. "It wants love from you." I heard my higher self say.
WOW! I was fighting it so hard when all I had to do all these months was love it. That "it" was part of me. So what if it loved some things it was afraid to give up control of. Instead of working against it - give it what you crave the most - empathy Georgia! And I conjured up all the compassion and empathy I had given in my healings the night before and I gave Reiki to my Ego.
Yup - I sat there on the shoulder of the Sagtikos Pkwy having an epiphany. My ego was just like that little kid in the shallow end of the pool scared to venture out - it just needed a grown up to cling to a "Mom " or "Dad " to bring them into the deep end. Someone to love them and give them courage and show them there is nothing to fear. God put his arms around me and my ego and took us for a swim in the deep end that morning. He showed me nothing is wrong and we need to swim together.
I had a long talk with my ego as cars whizzed by us. I promised to love him and give him what he needs from time to time in a healthy way if he would step aside and let my soul lead the way. I promised to always take care of him and never think of him as an "it" to be battled again. Yes. my ego is masculine, formidable and filled with love and valor just like my soul which feels more feminine. Balanced, they work together now and I dare say they are unstoppable! I find myself more authentic than ever since that day. Stepping into who I am in all aspects of my life feels so free. My body is relaxed and my mind clear. I am not a Corporate Career OR a Spiritual Healer, depending on the time of day. I am all of those things all day, everywhere I go. The most powerful thing we can do is merge ourselves and stop fragmenting our lives into "acceptable" bits and pieces.Embrace what and who we are. By the time I got to work that day I had no fever, no aches and pains and I felt fine. My ego got my attention but it really wanted to be loved! Love enables our ego to release attachments and especially fear. So instead of going to battle with those parts of yourself give them love.
It is in understanding the sum of all we are that we master the ego. Giving ourselves permissionto be 100% authentic without separating ourselves into "appropriate boxes" opens us to the freedom of our full power to co create abundant lives in alignment with the universe. We can be assertive and driven and loving and Zen. Healthy integration and infinite power. We can be Zencuda.
Peace and love Georgia Rose
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose