It started slow my need to “travel light” and get rid of clutter. It started with a closet or two and then it became a full blown clean sweep of everything. I just seem to have this strong compelling need to be free of the meaningless clutter and bullshit obligations that are really unimportant. I crave simple. I want my life to be a peaceful tribute to that simplicity. Most mornings now I wake up with what I call a “sleep smile” warm and groggy with tangled blonde hair and my dog crushing me with his furry love. There is no alarm clock jolting me. I feel safe sleeping in a space that is my own now, without anyone forcing an arrangement on me.
With the clutter in the house gone, the incessant background noise in my head has quieted. It is as though my ‘crap’ literally held voices from the past that annoyed and exhausted me. I much prefer to have my memories tucked away somewhere in the universe of “me” rather than in my attic or basement, the contents of which have now been sold, bartered or triumphantly thrown in the trash. I know that sounds strange but it feels right.It has made me peaceful and calm and free somehow. I have time to shoot the breeze with a friend on a Sunday afternoon. I can spend extra time with a client who needs my attention. Getting rid of the “stuff” has changed my life. Everything is simpler, even those situations and challenges that I can’t simplify for my family or friends like illness or disability are easier for me to deal with when the other “noise” and “clutter” is eliminated.
I triumphantly threw out my dining room table 2 weeks ago! That table had been with me since I was a young bride. It held the Karma of huge family dinners and arguments and great times of celebrations and birthdays and formal dinner parties. Everyone from homeless artists to NY State Senators have dined at that table. Paupers and millionaires, family friends and strangers, scholars and assholes all broke bread and rested their elbows on that cherry wood. It was the stage center of my life! It held 25 years of too much Karma. The leg had been screwed back on several times and it was shaky and well …it had to go…. So I took the rickety legs off and dragged it across the lawn and threw it in the trash. That felt great!
But today some lady came and took the last of what was banished to my "holding area" in the garage. She bought the dining room chairs from that table that was my center stage. Through all the piecing and parting out of my life I have been strong. At times something particularly sentimental would give me a pang when I needed to let it go. I breathed and told myself it didn’t matter in the scheme of my life’s work and deeper purpose. But today after I watched the lady load those chairs into her Mercedes SUV , I closed the front door and I couldn’t stop the tears. But instead of squelching my weak moment and anxiety I sat with it….
I was overwhelmed with memories of my parents. I felt their last meal at that table, a sit down Christmas dinner that I cooked for the family with 20 of us crowded around 2 tables. It wasn’t so long ago. I pictured my Dad at the head of the table and I could hear his jokes and my niece groaning saying how she liked her mashed potatoes lumpy, my husband’s deep baritone laugh just a little drunk and my Mom asking if there was lemon meringue pie for dessert. With the kitchen windows fully steamed, I would draw a heart when no one was looking before I sat down. I was content with my efforts knowing it brought us all together.
When those chairs drove away it all came rushing back, the grief, the loss, the sorrow. Somehow it was as if I could feel the love of those celebrations better if I had kept the chairs. I didn’t know that Christmas dinner would be our last together as children and parents. I didn’t know that the following year my parents would not be on this earth or that the year after that I would no longer be anyone’s wife.
I realized with shock what I had done…..The dining room furniture was gone. I began to plunge deeper into the loss, to remember my father’s gorgeous blue eyes and wavy hair and stupid jokes and pride in his family. I thought of my mother’s sweet lilting voice and how she loved her sweets and would tell stories of how she used to dance and she once met Frank Sinatra. I remembered how she used to love to sit next to me and hold my hand and whisper to me for another helping.
Sometimes memories can overwhelm us all, and we tell ourselves to get over it, suck it up, but today was different for me. Today I felt free to love. It may have been a little uncomfortable at first. But I had the time to love myself, to mourn my parents and cry and give myself a hug and to feel beautiful afterwards and to figure it all out. I wasn’t too busy rushing around or overloaded to the point that I had to squash my feelings and lie to myself about handling it “later”.
I dove into a deep pool of anxiety. I felt that maybe I had done something wrong throwing out that table and chairs that held so much memory. I had that ootz in my belly, the one I HATE! Swimming deeper into despair I thought about calling the lady to get my chairs back. Oh my God, my Dad sat in that chair! I panicked. I felt so much attachment in my gut I was sick. I cried my eyes out on the floor of the entry foyer. I sat there drowning with Sparky’s head in my lap before I broke the surface and came up for air! It was another most private moment between my dog and me. As much as my only wish in life is to have Sparky talk I know in times like this it is better he can’t. The shit he would have on me..oh boy!
But I am grateful for that short but necessary wallow . Thankfully the light hit me as I broke the surface after my brief but deep swim into dark panic. Was I really sitting on the floor of the entry foyer crying over old chairs? This was laughable. I realized those chairs were not important. They have nothing to do with the love or memories of my parents. That feeling in my lower stomach was the crappy feelings left over from the old me. Anxiety from the “survival mode” baggage of all these things I didn’t need. That negative and restrictive energy , that fear of loss of nothing ever being enough that held me back from moving forward. I used to be attached to earthly things and driven by their acquisition, grasping out of fear…The same way I wanted to call the lady to get the chairs back! I had fallen back into the exact “survival mode” I am trying to get away from in my life, of being controlled by the unreal, the things that don’t matter. Of grasping for things to comfort me when in truth that power of satisfaction and freedom only and always has existed within me. Those chairs had nothing to do with what is real in my life. My love for my parents and the memories are inside me no matter what. That simple fact means …there is no loss.
I made a choice somewhere along the way - that is what all this purging is about. Somehow I decided to honor my purpose as a human being. I have spent my past a slave to things and desires both mine and other peoples.. I lived up to what I was conditioned to believe was “the good life”. It made me miserable. Always rushing and fighting time thinking nothing was ever enough…more, more, more! So I discarded those ideals. Ironically I found the “good life” not by getting stuff but by throwing it all out!
I let the chairs go. I have let everything go. It’s time to live in reality not illusion. The chair episode today brought me that clarity. I am going towards what is real and leaving everything that is not real behind.
How is it that the darkness, the negative always holds the illumination that teaches us …if we are brave enough to face it and shine light there?
I suppose that is when we are truly a Warrior of Light.
A few months ago I had a dream. I was walking along the mountains in my dream and I came to a cliff. I kept trying to peer over the edge but I was too afraid to get close. I knew what was down there was scary and awful, I was too afraid to get to the edge to see. People were all around telling me stay away from the cliff. And then for some reason I started to run towards it and in this dream I felt sheer terror but I couldn’t stop myself. There was another part of me that felt so happy and free to run….I ran hard and I jumped off the cliff. Instead of falling like I often do in dreams, I suddenly was flying in a chariot! I was laughing and so happy that I finally jumped off the cliff. It was beautiful. I was safe and supported. I felt more joy than I ever have before! I didn’t listen to anyone not even my fear in the dream. My heart believed and took a leap and learned to fly!I left my fear and attachments on that cliff and flew away!FREE!
That morning when I woke up I decided to live in the real world. The one inside me, that needs nothing but love…and a few basics…
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose