Sometimes people say that I’m too deep and too intense and too analytical. It is a harsh criticism, that at times has me evaluating myself for the flaws they see. But I come away thinking I am just fine and that maybe they would do well to embrace my depth.
The criticisms are thrown at me and stated with expectation. As if I have just been told my shirt doesn't match my pants and they expect me to go inside and change and come back "fixed" and better "suited". It is not that simple and I wish people would care enough about me to look deeper to understand the source of my depth..
I sit with myself in silence then. I lick my wounds and weigh the opinion of others against my own and the the backdrop of my life. A life very well lived with an intensity few require, even fewer understand and yet some have admired.
Why do I require such intensity, such analysis?
What makes me tick?
I wasn’t always this way. I was admittedly quite shallow and self absorbed at one time.
But then cancer came to visit. Bearing gifts of truth, showing me the reality and limits of Life and Death. And once you are faced with your own mortality, you live different afterwards - if you’re lucky enough to get the chance. I got the chance...
Cancer changed me. The second chance to live changed me. It gave me a reverence for life most people never have. It showed me what’s real and what isn’t, what is big and what is small. Cancer showed me what is important and what is not. I have no choice but to live in that truth now. A truth that goes a little deeper than most people like. But I can't change that. I am me. I am lucky to be here. I won't waste this chance! No apology.
Yes. Cancer changed me.
I can’t waste my life or let it pass me by. I don’t waste time and I won't waste yours. I use time productively to meet my goals. And I use it wisely to show compassion and do kindness for others. Maybe at times I'm too emotional, too serious, too spiritual or too candid. I am many “too’s” but never “too” busy, to help, to listen to “be there", to give another what they need. I don’t leave things unsaid whether it’s “I love you” or “I don’t like what you did”, I learned both can make things better or worse but truth is always needed and I can’t keep my words from being heard. I am a truth teller. I don’t let bullshit wedge between me and anyone. I call you out on your shit and I call me out on mine. I apologize when appropriate but never for who I am. I question and probe because I don’t want to miss a thing. Every second of life is so precious, every person and connection is so important, I take nothing for granted. I am far from perfect. But I am using my time on this earth to become a better model.
I wont waste time being less than, unprepared, confused or hurting others, I show up, step up, give you my best and make what is real count. I know sometimes friendship can be an inconvenient commitment but I commit to it anyway. WE all have days we don't want to answer the phone or the doorbell and hibernate. But I know sometimes we don't get a second chance so I show up at the ER, I go to the wake, I make the ziti to drop off, I watch the kids, I meet for coffee, even when I don't want to 100%. Because afterwards I am always glad I did.
There is no excuse great enough to prevent me from being a better person, making the world a better place or not doing my part in my little corner of the universe. I guess you could call me an empathetic hard ass!
When faced with your own mortality and the reality you may never taste or hear or feel or see your life again or the people in it. The stark truth that it all may be lost and actually... end …makes you look deeper, listen closer, hug tighter, love more.
You want your life to be the best it can be. Mediocrity becomes a repulsive standard. Just getting by becomes an embarrassing level on the bar. Procrastination and laziness become unacceptable. Apathy is a disgusting thought. Negativity becomes a home invader - a thief in the night looking to rob you of your time and “heart “ so you shoot him down at the door.
I know that time is too short and I have so much living to do, I can't possibly experience it all. So I live each moment to the max. Grateful for every drop of knowledge and experience and sensation and emotion called "life" which to me is all "love"! There is so much we need to change in the world I find myself "doing" where I used to be ”thinking”..yes it can be intense, but thank God because I get things done that I used to just talk about!
Yeah its a life full throttle!
I live multi sensuously, I want to let everything wash over me like a divine waterfall. I no longer want to taste life with the tip of my tongue or tentatively feel it with the tip of my finger. I want to devour it, savor it, feel it pour down my throat into every cell of my body. I no longer want to finger something quickly but instead I long to immerse my hands in it and feel its texture and vibration and commit it to memory so I will never forget what it feels like. I want to absorb the worlds colors through my skin, feel the blue in the sky bring joy to my heart, store the suns warmth under my skin not just on it, and feel the nighttime stars twinkle behind my eyes not just in front of them!
God created a pretty awesome world for us. I figure the best way to show gratitude for that is to experience it to the fullest!
I want to commit every taste , touch, song, voice, face, color , sensation and vibration to memory so I never forget. So I can take it all with me into my next life.
Joy, excitement, pain, sorrow, love, the essence of loved ones, the sacred places and special times of this life I now observe reverently….. feeling deeply all those sensations I want to remember for eternity, and committing them to my soul.
Sometimes I think about the soul. We all have this beautiful soul and it is the only thing we take with us from this beautiful life into the next and the next.. it becomes your magical suitcase where everything you hold dear is wrapped and lovingly placed inside for your eternal journey. So I think it's important to fill this divine treasure chest with all that is real. You fill it with the essence of this life, with love. And that requires observation, presence and focus. And an Intense love for all things. I have committed myself to honor all of life in this way.
Living this way makes you intense, deep, passionate. It gives you a greater capacity to love. But it doesn’t cut you much slack. Whatever the experience is... amazing, beautiful, fulfilling, awe inspiring, repulsive, frustrating or egregious, I feel it 10 fold and use it to make my life better and learn to love more. I have no choice. Cancer in part created my consciousness because ... Once faced with your own mortality – you will always live like you were dying.
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose