It was an unseasonably warm day in December as I ran on the beach with Sparky. There was no one around for miles except an old man sitting randomly in a camp chair. He sat quietly staring out at the ocean. Boy, he " gets it" I thought as we ran past him, careful not to disturb his peace. Out of breath I stop and sit on the sand as Sparky plops down in my lap and we hug each other tight. His warmth and heaviness so familiar as to be a part of my soul. I stare out at the sun glistening on the water like the rays of God. And I feel so inspired and connected. I feel completely comfortable being alone here. On a beach with no signs of life accept "old man camp chair" about a half mile down the way I am relaxed and content. The feeling is familiar to me. My limbs feel relaxed and long and my thoughts are good company. I live this way now. At home. Inside myself. I am safe on the inside looking out. I sit on the sand alone, just my dog and me and I am grateful. My heart is so full of love for this universe! I stare at the sun rays playing on the water and I feel so connected to God I wonder how I could have ever felt alone in my life!
But I remember how it used to be...
I send a prayer out to all those in despair.
"May you be blessed and find peace"
I know how it is...
For most of my life I felt like I was on the outside looking in. This different state of being caused a disconnect and loneliness that I attributed to something dark or not good enough about me. I felt alone in a crowded room. I was different than everyone else. I felt separated by something that was " missing" in me. I took great pains to hide this secret as I pretended to be "just like everyone else" .
I tried so hard to fit in that I achieved the perception of success and near perfection. After all, who was I to indulge in the arrogant notion that I was different. And so, I buried my truth in the soil of others expectations and rose to their occasions and dictates. I was rewarded when their welcoming hands ushered me through the doorways of the rooms I had wistfully observed from the outside. With great relief I walked through their doors and thought I wasn't different anymore, I am where I belong. I shall find what I seek here.
I was wrong.
Sitting here on the damp sand I am at peace. Finally I have found home. But it would be foolish of me to forget my journey to this place. I can still remember the hopeless panic that took me over when I realized after arriving at the destination I spent my whole life climbing to get to, I hadn't really gotten any place at all. Years of climbing and running had given me no distance from the place where I started from. I still felt like I was an outsider. The truth was I felt alone all the time everywhere and anywhere no matter what I accomplished. I had searched a lifetime looking for the something "missing" and it was not to be found in the successes where I was certain it would be.
And that hurt.
What was "missing" was always here inside me. All those years searching for home in another's eyes, another's smile, another's body, another new thing, a new destination , a new career achievement... was the journey of the fool. It was only when I swept those illusions off my porch and it was purged of all things except myself that I finally understood where to look.
Of course I felt alone, how could I not when I had separated myself from the source of my creation. I denied my need for that connection. Instead I chased castles in the air, when everything would be found here in the beating of my heart and in the remembering of who I was before I was born into this life.
This morning the sun beats down on me and it is a reminder of the amazing perfection of life. Today's small miracle is this sun so warm in December. The waves crash on the sand and I think of the energy that made all this beauty. I feel home now. Home is this energy that made all and made me too and it lives in me. No person or thing could ever give this to me. We must give it to ourselves. It is our birthright, this beautiful safety of he power of the universe. Our God source. I am this source. I am one with this ocean and sun and the air I breath. I no longer feel different or out of place.
I study the vast ocean spreading further than my eyes can see. I am so small against it yet so important. Every drop of that ocean was created with love as was I. With my eyes closed I take in the energy of this love through my body, I can feel it vibrate against my skin it tingles as though Angels have brushed against me. Sparky burrows his head into me, he feels this incredible unity between us too. I put my hand on his furry chest so I can feel his heartbeat and I know the value of life. I find it here in this perfect moment. And in this moment I feel my own value. My perfection. I live inside of that vault, the soul of my worth. I am safe wherever I go now. Always on the inside looking out. Alone but never alone..
This is my life now....
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose