MY "CHARMED" LIFE
Standing in front of my closet in a bra and panties I couldn't decide whether to wear a suit or a dress. I finally pulled a favorite Zac Posen dress off it's padded hanger. I slipped the demure black and beige garment over my head. I stepped into a pair of beige Charles Jourdan pumps with etched black detail and surveyed myself in the mirror. The look was a bit Carrie Bradshaw from season 2 of Sex in the City but I liked it.
It felt odd to be dressed like this. I had lolled the summer away in jeans and tee shirts, working from home on my newly formed Spiritual business. Only venturing out to the business of my other more earth bound career when necessary. But it was time to switch my focus from Spirit back to my real estate career and go back to the real world. Quite frankly I needed to eat. And my 20 year earth bound career was the bread winner.
Today's Realtor luncheon would take care of any lingering softness from the summer. I mentally prepared myself to face the competition and the egos that would surround me today. Not entirely wanting to tread in that world but truthfully given no choice. I resigned my self to its necessity. Although the lifestyle no longer suits me , it's still a part of who I am. I'm addicted to the sweet foreplay of negotiation. I could never stay away too long.
I lifted the mirrored lid to my jewelry armoire and put my game face on as I fastened diamond studs into my ears. I opened a drawer to choose a bracelet and I spied my gold charm bracelet. Wow! I forgot about this piece. I hadn't thought of it or worn it in about 5 years and there it was a shiny monument to my "charmed life". I used to wear it often. I fingered the heavy gold and it transported me back to another time, another life like some magic time machine.
Suddenly, I was sitting on the upper deck of a ferry crossing the Long Island Sound as seagulls swooped overhead across a blue cloudless sky. It was a beautiful crisp autumn day. I sat on a long bench with my back against my husbands chest and his arms circling me. Our heads rested casually against each other talking and laughing under the warmth of lover's Sun. We were on our way to Cape Cod for my 40th birthday getaway.
Casually, Mark pulled away from me to reach in his pocket. His mustache tickled my ear as he leaned back in to whisper " Happy Birthday Babe, I love you" and he handed me a beautiful gift box. I got butterfly's. He always gave me butterfly's even then after so many years. I unwrapped the present with a squeal of delight that was lost on the wind. Tears welled my eyes as his charming gesture brushed against the deep part of my heart. The place that belonged to him.
Inside the box was a beautiful heavy gold charm bracelet. It was void of all the traditional charms except for one. The clasp was encrusted with semi precious stones and a single gold heart charm was fastened near the end. The beautiful heart shaped locket opened to reveal photos of he and I. I looked up into Marks eyes and he said "See we will always be together in your heart" . I fell into his arms in a deep passionate kiss that was broken by the ferry horn announcing our arrival.
Startled by the vivid memory, now back in the present I stood in my bedroom and fingered the smooth heart charm that was the focal point in this chain of my life's milestones. No Mark, there is no always, I thought, the place inside my heart that only he could caress is dormant now. It waits patiently for another to awaken it. There is no warm strong body to lean into, no husband or romantic get aways. No one whispers I love you, in my ear anymore. It's ok. There is no always and so this too will one day change. My life is full from other sources for now.
Long ago I reached inside to embrace my broken heart . I lovingly sewed the pieces back together by myself using the threads of compassion and forgiveness. When my patchwork was complete the heart of a Peaceful Warrior beat in my chest and a Wounded Healer was born. And so today my thoughts are not sad or melancholy but grateful for the wisdom I have experienced. Even though that charmed life was now gone I was so much more than ever before.
But the bracelet was still full with the charms from those memories. There was a house with diamonds marking my success in real estate, a cell phone and gold key symbolizing that career. There was a dollar sign and a camera and a gold palm tree from all our winters in the Caribbean. There was a gold Christmas tree and a princess crown because Mark always woke me up by calling me " princess" in the morning. There was a playboy bunny for my curves and a "G" for the nickname everybody called me and many other "markers" collected and gifted along the way. The symbolism seemed so superficial to me now, almost vulgar. It wasn't enough to "get somewhere" I had to commemorate it in gold! Jeez!
For some reason I popped the bracelet on. Maybe because I have to integrate that life with this one, that person I used to be with who I am now. Accept it all as part of me. But I just needed to observe the weight of that bracelet on my wrist and feel it's heaviness on my arm in order to own it and its creation.
With no judgement I finished dressing and headed to the luncheon. Neither the earth bound nor spiritual side of life is good or bad instead it just is, I tell myself. And because it just is, I need to embrace all parts of me . I decide today to just be the observer of my life and see where it brings me. What used to bring anxiety now soothes me... I have learned that once accepted - not knowing, not expecting and not projecting brings me peace.
I pull my sports car into the country club parking lot and walk in to reception to sign in for the luncheon. One of the Title company guys comes in after me. "Hey I thought that was you out there , nice car ...you're looking good " , he slides his arm around my waist and kisses my cheek. I don't really "know" him, only through business, but his hand lingers at my hip bone too long in age old silent question. It's ok, I know how to answer. I straighten my back, step slightly away and take off my sunglasses. I smile and look coldly into his eyes as I sweetly say "Thank you Bob, you too, great pic of you with the family on face book". He got his answer. We walk to opposite sides of the room. Without judgement I observe that I used to like that attention, it puffed me up. Now it means nothing to me. I am above it. It has no effect on me. Men have to test their virility....some men constantly. It has nothing to do with me.
I take a chair at a table with some competitor/colleagues from another real estate office. Everyone is posturing. Embellishing deals to be the most important hero. I'm not really into the industry discussion but I hold my own. The conversation has no effect on me. I need no validation. That comes in a dark room on a Yoga mat now, between me and the source that created me. But at this moment my success is legendary and it's nice to know my career stats still support me. I am respected but less of a target than I used to be. As part of the older guard and no longer a part of the up and coming ...fewer people want to take me down. I can relax a bit but not entirely rest on my laurels. Truth is I am NOT the barracuda I used to be but nobody notices that because they only see the image built during my "war" years.
My "persona" was forged on the battle ground of money and status and numbers, that few look beyond. I am one of the few, yet I hold no contempt for that superficial yet fertile ground of my wars years. The skills taught me on that battlefield still often serve me well. It seems I always learn the best lessons through fighting one battle or another. I'm trying to change that. I no longer go to war. I prefer to learn by observation now.
I observe the table discussion, and with detachment compare it to an episode of fear factor. Everyone is so afraid of not being good enough ... but who set the bar? Has anyone ever asked what "good enough" is? I observe the game. Interesting. No judgement. I am no longer attached to this scene. But if pushed I can get right in there when needed. This is a tough arena , I'm proud of what I accomplished and was able to forge out here in this territory. With detachment I realize it took a lot of hard work and sheer balls to get where I did. And then, I realize I sleep walked through most of it! There was never really time to observe it before. Only now when opinions have no value am I free to enjoy the energy of it all.
I keep looking at the charm bracelet on my wrist and all its superficial symbolism. It's mocking me and I can't feel in alignment there. I'm trying. No judgement, ...... drop the duality. Just observe where all this is bringing you, I tell myself. But, I feel like two different people. I want to feel integrated. My purpose is to make my life my teacher and friend, I exhale into that remembering my life's true meaning.
One of the other real estate brokers at the table asks me how I'm doing and he remarks that he sees I have started another business. Uhh! Oh! Cats out of the bag! My brain registers the notion....Strangely I feel no panic just curiosity. Wow someone noticed, interesting I think to myself as I realize maybe my "other life" is "out there". "Yes " , I reply, "I spent the last 20 years feeding my ego now it's time to feed my heart." Everyone at the table smiles at me and resumes the market discussions and power plays. I realize no one is really interested in what does not directly effect them. I was worried for no reason that my Spiritual career would be a source of fodder. It's known and no one cares.
As I wait on the buffet line a broker owner who has heavily tried to recruit me for years walks up to me. I'm expecting the usual warm greeting and sales pitch but instead he stands in front of me holding his plate. There is an awkward few moments of silence and then he loudly states "Silly Girl" shakes his head and walks away.
I am embarrassed for a split second then I'm simply amused. Well, I guess not everyone doesn't care about my new focus. Oh , but wait I guess it effects him, or his ego. He thinks I'm throwing away a lucrative career and he is upset and taking it personal that I don't work for him. I don't care. It's got nothing to do with me ... he is only doing his job. I start to think he is an ass and catch myself....no judgement.....right? I laugh inside at myself and at our human experience.
With a dry salad and some pasta, I sit back down at the table that is full of egoic energy simply observing conversation. I've surrendered the day to see where it takes me. A fellow agent I sit on the Realtor board of directors with slides into the empty chair next to me. Her eyes are wide with gratitude. We both battled cancer and share the energetic bond of survivors. "Oh my God I just wanted to thank you for coming and giving Reiki to the woman at my Recovery retreat. It was so amazing the ladies loved it and they talked about it the whole weekend after you left. You have to come and do it again next year", she gave me a tight sincere hug and we talked about Reiki for a few minutes. It was as if the rest of the room had disappeared and there was a spotlight on just us and we were lost in a peaceful sanctuary beyond anyone else.
As she walked away the room swam back into focus, and I observed how strange but beautiful it was to find such a connection here where I didn't expect it.
I was savoring the sweet simple beauty of the moment life had bestowed upon me, just as one of my Mortgage guys came over and kissed my cheek. My emotions swung back to earth as I felt guilty because I had blown off his lunch invitations.
" Hey, I'm sorry I didn't call you back I took some down time but I'll have deals for you soon" , I explained. I knew this man for years and we were friends. " Look I don't care about that, I need to have lunch with you to talk about my wife. She is getting into all this "energy healing" and I'm freaked out. What is this stuff? I trust you , we need to talk and maybe you could take her under your wing". I recovered my open jaw and made a lunch date.
What just happened? My spiritual life was front and center with opportunities presented through my earth bound life! Talk about integration. I wasn't supposed to "try" to integrate my life. I only had to surrender and let the universe take control to be in alignment. My job was to be the observer and go where life wanted me.
I looked down at my bracelet. It no longer seemed vulgar but more like a part of me kind of like the way I used to think about out of style designer clothes from a different season. I would tuck them in the back of the closet because they meant too much to throw away. The charm bracelet held mementos from MY life not an "old " life. It was all my life ,all part of my evolution. Unequivocally me and not meant to be denied but accepted. It was time to add some charms, a Buddha and a flower of life and a star and a cross and an angel. And Hmmm...
I was lost in thought when the woman sitting next to me tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up and she pointed to my purse on the empty chair between us. " Whose is this? " she asked. "Oh that's mine", I replied. "NO!, WHOSE is it?", she asked again. I stared blankly before realizing she meant who was the designer. I had no clue, I couldn't remember and I realized I did not care. The truth was everything I owned was purchased a long time ago it just looked new. "Oh um Gucci", I finally said with relative certainty. She turned it over to reveal a BCBG emblem on the clasp, and looked at me wide eyed. Oh shit! I thought, I've committed handbag faux - pas. My amused look did not amuse her, how could I NOT know what I was wearing. She actually turned away in disgust. Now that was funny! And THAT put it all in perspective for me.
I settled in to my seat to listen to the speaker. I was at peace. I may not know who designed my purse, but I sure knew who was designing my life! I didn't have to worry about any labels, purchased or assigned. An authentically "charmed " life is created within oneself by acquiring character not things. The label doesn't matter the substance does. If you are respected and trustworthy in one way chances are you'll be respected and credible in every way . The label you design and create your life under does not matter. You do. Through my surrender I am co creating with Divine Source, and so far I am loving His/ Our new collection, it matches my life beautifully and I wear it well!
All our lives can be "charmed " when we let go, observe simplicity and fully engage in the opportunities the universe brings us. It's all out there for our higher good if we let go and pay attention.
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose