The Train Home

I was riding home on the train from the city staring at my reflection in the glass window when sadness ran a tempting invitation down my spine.  I suddenly became aware that my old friend was back throwing a comforting blanket across my shoulders to lure me into the darkness.  But this time its trick was too familiar and I resented the intrusion.  I couldn't be fooled into feeling bad about myself and retreating.  The darkness felt uncomfortable against my light and I couldn't lean into it the way I used to. I don't need to hide there any longer. I require more.  I am not in survival mode I live at full throttle now.
I shifted in my seat and a tear rolled down my cheek.

It seems my old friend is quite persuasive. I fall under his spell for a few minutes exploring …
Why do I feel empty and hollow after a beautiful afternoon in Manhattan with my family? 
My old poor coping mechanism rises to the surface, excuses created to assign blame and make me feel less than, are clicked off in my head as the darkness pushes “play” and the tape begins .

‘You are feeling lonely after the day's activities because you are alone.
You have to walk into a cold, empty house after a day like today. 
Can’t you feel it?  This quiet is so loud, this loneliness is so cold
The air is heavy with letdown, like a balloon losing its air. 
It’s depressing.  You are sad.  You miss your siblings you miss your family....  there is no one…”

I push “stop” and throw that old tape out the window. Those reasons don't really feel like my truth.  I have deleted those tunes. I have a whole new playlist now.   

The truth is, I'm looking forward to going home  and seeing Sparky, taking a hot bath, watching TV and snuggling in bed. It's peaceful.  My house is warm and comforting not cold and empty. I love it there. It's true I miss my siblings but sometimes I feel anxious around them.  Small visits work better for me. I realize I feel more satisfied than empty after this beautiful day.
In perspective, empty and hollow are exaggerations. Illusions created to restrict me, restrain me and hold me back from reaching for love.    In fact, I'm just feeling a little lost and lonely because I feel disconnected.

I think about who I can reach out to. Who won't let me down? Who will answer? Who will be on the other end of a connection, a text, a call?  The number of minutes it takes to think of someone is a little sad.   As Sunday evening winds down into the preparations for a busy work week ... Who is there in my life who will take a few moments to lift up a friend. The mere fact I am thinking of reaching out is different for me, a little awkward.  At one time it was a challenge too hard to breach. That is changing as the new music in my head spurs me on and gives me more courage. 
 
The fear from my hurts and desertions no longer petrifies me into isolation. I am peaking out of the dark to see who is there. It's yet another way of loving me, honoring that fact that I MATTER.  I am no longer fooled into thinking that never asking for help is brave and tough.  Removing me from the beautiful exchange of give and take that is essential to loving and life was just another way of telling myself I'm not worth it.  Worthy people don't seem to be afraid to reach out and ask for help. They know they deserve it. I have finally become one of the worthy. A lifetime of doing everything all alone has made me tough, resilient, resourceful, very strong but lonely and out of balance. It takes more courage for me to reach out than to go it alone.  My truth is ...sometimes I need to feel a connection more than I need to be the "tough girl". 

I stare at my reflection again.  I look right in my eyes.  Without the veil of illusion they tell the truth.  The truth may sting at first but in the end it always feels right.

 I'm sad because my siblings have sharp tongues and their comments reveal our lack of connection. They simply don't know very much about my life, nor I theirs.  Efforts to engage fall flat.  Our Lives are somehow too busy for us to connect and the parental glue that held us together is gone from this earth. Life has carried us all on different currents. Just because we are part of the same river doesn't mean we run deep.  I'm sad I didn't try to be closer to them when I was younger.  Yet, I feel so connected to the 4 year old twins.  I didn't want to leave my niece and nephew today, especially Annabelle.  When her little arms cling to my neck and her smile laughs through her eyes it is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt.  It is pure innocent love.   I'm sad because I should've had a kid. I realize the truth of my sadness in a healthy way without blame and despair and the face reflected back at me changes as a new emotion peaks through.   It is HOPE.  Dare I? Oh yes, I deserve to....
Toughies need love too.....

The light of hope banishes the sadness as I shrug off its dark cloak.  And I hope that someday I am with a partner that has kids that I will connect with and enjoy. I hope as we get older and our lives wind down that my siblings and I love deeper. I hope someday my home is filled with family and sincere friends and grandkids even if they are not my blood ones. I hope there are big Sunday dinners and a car with people in the back seat and proud moments witnessed with someone's hand in mine. Smiles shared with no words just feeling.   I want to live in love's flow. Embrace the give and take of love that is created from knowing you matter. To yourself and to that special familiar hand that reaches for you.  I want to feel that passion that makes life easier, sweeter...worth it.  I want to source my life with connections, friends, love, family and lean into their embrace. 

I am lifted by these thoughts of hope, just as my phone pongs and my text is returned.  It strikes me like a hit on sonar searching the deep ocean.  Wow.  Someone is out there..I grab on.  It's a new experience.  I have found a miracle drug for chronic pain. The words on the phone screen lift me further as I feel the warmth of the connection reach my heart. .  There is some banter back and forth. I end the texting with .."thank you for being my friend" .  Such simple words that barely convey the gratitude for a lifeline that took a lifetime to reach for.  

It is the simple things that make a huge difference.  Flicking on the light switch in a dark room changes everything.
  
The train pulls into my station.  I am home.   I get up to exit the train leaving my old friend sadness and his big dark blanket on the seat.  He doesn’t live with me anymore.     My new companion Hope keeps me warm now and she is coming home with me.  She tells me that everything I want is out there in the universe if I open my heart and am brave enough to reach for it. I can’t wait to see what she brings to my table! 

Peace and love,
Georgia Rose