Last week someone asked me “When did you start believing in all this stuff”. I get that question a lot. I’m not sure what people are assuming “stuff” to be exactly, but it seems everyone kind of takes for granted they know what my beliefs are based on the fact that I do Reiki and Read Energy and communicate with Spirit. They never ask me “What do you believe?”. Truthfully, at times their question is hard to answer, because I am still seeking and forming new beliefs. I hope my metamorphosis is eternal. I think people assume I am completely immersed in a spiritual world. In fact, there are many layers to me and my life is one of contrasts and balance between the material, physical and spiritual world.
I understand people are naturally curious about me because of this blog and other media regarding my experiences and what I do. I feel my message is about life, love and living one’s lifetime to the fullest. Spirituality does not consume me it is just a “label”. I also run a Real Estate business, live in the real world, maintain a home and have hobbies and many friendships and connections that are spiritual as well as not spiritual. I am a whole person. The “stuff” I believe in are things I have felt and know to be truth based on my life experiences. As those experiences change my beliefs evolve.
So what do I believe? I know with great certainty that I believe in love and it’s power. I work with the energy of universal and divine love during Reiki healing sessions. This has led me to know without a doubt that the vibration of Love heals. I believe there a higher power at work in our lives because much seems to be orchestrated, you know synchronicity etc… What that higher power is, aside from the energy that created us… I can’t say. I believe energy = love. Some people call it God, Spirit, Source whatever you label it to me it is just love. What is love? To me love is pure intent, it has no agenda except to love, it is quiet- no puffing up or grand declaration required. Genuine love has the wisdom of these things. I don’t really complicate it more than that. I believe there is a place of greater love than we know in our present state of being and that we will all one day be there. I have glimpsed and felt that "other place" and that love can not be described in words.
The idea of soul contracts is interesting and I do believe in them. But, I don't agree with their rigid validity, and while I will concede that it COULD explain much of what happens in our life, I feel free will and our choices dictate our outcomes. I do believe we have many lives because I have seen past lives during meditation. Sometimes however I doubt and I wonder if that could be a trick of the brain or coping mechanism on my part to justify this life and take solace in a "do over". I always want more… another chance, do it again, let’s go higher…I can go faster - do better...lol! It’s this childlike enthusiasm that even at my age drives me, but just in case this is my only life I try to pack as much loving and living in as I can!
We are all going to find out the truth someday anyway. Our beliefs won’t change the outcome of what is the truth of our existence? It is out there unchangeable we just have not discovered or remembered it yet, but we will. That is inevitable. I think it’s more important to live your best life and put love wherever you can, than worry about what or who or IF God exists. Be happy. Be love. Believe in whatever feels right for you. I don’t care what anyone else believes. I only care if they are a good person and trustworthy and if there is an opportunity for love between us in some form. So THAT is what I believe. How did I come to believe in these truths?
It is ironic but the seed for my belief was planted by a man who believed in nothing. No God. No afterlife. Nothing. Just get up, go to work, live your life, do it again the next day. That man was my Dad.
Ours was a very complicated relationship fraught with disappointment, judgement, abuse, harsh outcomes, anger and loss. Yet in the end, faced with the reality that shortly we would have no more of each other, there was forgiveness and love and a connection forged that eventually would cross the realms. When we finally both dropped the rope we became the father and daughter we were meant to be. Our poor choices had cost us a life time of being such, but we had a beautiful and evoking last year together. All negative fell away as I nursed him . With wonder I felt my tender heart bleed out all the poison from those years before as love erased anything that had harshly come before. And I became peaceful as compassion gave me a quiet strength I never knew existed within me. The man who was the greatest influence in my life responded in kind and the father and daughter that emerged from the shadows of abuse and abandonment were a beautiful testament to forgiveness and reconciliation. Proving love is always the answer.
One day as my Father lay dying I knew we had to have “the talk”. I tucked him in bed under the covers. He sat propped up on several pillows as I took a seat on the side of the bed and began rubbing his painfully thin legs. “So, Dad”, I started boldly, with more courage than I actually felt, “What do you want, you know, what do you want us to do for you when the time comes?” “Is there anything like a song you want sung or someone you want to say something, what are your wishes?”
There, I did it. I finally asked the question that had been torturing me for days. At that time I had no particular beliefs. I had been raised Catholic by a very religious Mother, but never thought much about anything beyond getting through each day and being a good person, and thanking God for my blessings. Arranging a funeral was a little out of my scope. And you have to understand my Dad was a toughie, a larger than life, charismatic, gregarious, moody, sometimes nasty, grouchy, always intimidating but funny as hell pain in the ass.
So, I held my breath anticipating his answer. And in typical fashion he answered. “I don’t want anything. If you so much as put a Cross in that room I will come back and haunt you. I don’t believe in any of that crap. It just leaves me cold.”
I was a chip off the old block then, so in MY typical fashion I was going to answer, “All righty, no problem, less shit for me to do”, and go make lunch. But instead I hugged him and said “OK, well if you get there and there is something send me a sign and let me know OK?” And he chuckled and said he would. Our eyes met for a moment in mutual admiration as we silently acknowledged the courage of our conversation. That was always the way of it between us. We connected in our silences more than in any words uttered between us. My then husband had remarked on it once, after he had witnessed me caring for Dad during his illness. “You two always seem to know what the other wants but you hardly ever speak”, he said. I had no need to answer his statement it was just the way of it between Dad and I. I always understood my Father even when his actions caused me much pain. Our connection was strong. We were in many ways cut from the same cloth although I had hated to admit it for most of my decades.
A couple of weeks after we had “the talk” my Dad died. He suffered quite a bit and it was very hard to watch. He was in pain. We spent long tiring days filling the hours together as best we could. Playing the music of Chanticleer soothed him as I sat beside his bed and read to him for hours. He was brave and stoic and he gave me a great gift because as I watched this hard ass, invincible, stubborn veteran of two wars die -he did it with such dignity that he taught ME how to die. As his body grew weaker somehow in my eyes he grew stronger, his resolve to meet his end head on was the bravest thing I had ever seen and he never wavered or became fearful.
One day wracked with pain as the cancer attacked his bones he looked up at me and said, “Honey, Don’t be scared because, If I can do this so can you”. Yes, he taught me how to die with dignity and I will be forever grateful for that. It was his way of making up for all he did not teach me in life when he abandoned me at the age of 13. In the end none of that mattered. He taught me a priceless lesson that no one else could have. And I no longer judged him a coward for leaving, but forgave him his human weaknesses and admired him for his unbelievable courage in the face of death. Because in the end, during his final days on this earth he gave ME what I needed and he was there for me.
When he finally succumbed to his illness and his lifeless body lay in the bed, I went over and laid my head against his chest one last time. I wanted to feel my Daddy. The one from childhood who carried me over the hot sand at Crab Meadow Beach, when I cried “UPPY GO” because my little feet hurt. But when I placed my cheek against his chest the "home" I used to rest safely against had no strong beating heart, the chest was cold and quiet. It was brittle and hollow. He was gone. Great sadness overwhelmed me because I realized in life we would never be the Father/Daughter I wanted us to be. This “summer of death” was the only place we had ever found a common bond to work for. It had nothing to do with any God or beliefs it was simply a final act of love between a father and daughter. As the days slowly passed that summer, we grew strong in our resolve to share his death with dignity between us. As his body grew weaker, we grew stronger, I learned the true measure of a man is found in the content of his heart and nothing else matters. I learned sometimes our actions can be terribly wrong even while our heart holds the best intentions of love. Father, Mother, daughter, son we are all playing out our humanness on this grand stage of life. The final curtain is the teacher that shows us in the end - love is all there is.
I went home that night after he passed over and I didn’t think I would sleep. But I did sleep. And I had a dream. In my dream I saw this unbelievable sunrise over the water. Not just any sunrise but a sunrise so stunning with colors so vibrant that there are no words to describe the colors I saw. It was almost as though I was seeing a sunrise from another world. Thinking of it now, years later I am still overwhelmed trying to describe it. It was stunningly beautiful and filled with energy like a powerful glow you could feel. When I woke there were tears on my pillow and I was very moved by the experience. And for some reason I KNEW, I just knew it was my Dad showing me there was something, a new beginning, another day, a sunrise. The words life goes on passed over my lips in a whisper as I awakened that morning.
This wasn’t a huge revelation or big life moment or aha experience at the time. On the contrary it was a quiet absolute acceptance. Like a soft whisper revealing a bold secret. I just knew it to be so, without a doubt in my heart and in every cell in my body that my Father sent me a message. In fact, I had never been more certain of anything in my life. And that is when a seed was planted in me... that there was something more than just here. There really was an "other place" far more beautiful than anything imaginable. In truth that was the beginning of my journey.
Eternal limitless love was shown me by the soul of a man who wrestled with love in this lifetime.
I didn’t know what it meant or what was beyond that sunrise. I didn’t give it a whole lot of thought back then, but I knew it changed me. It opened my heart to seek. The occurrence of that dream/vision had nothing to do with religion or believing in God. It just felt like there was love over that horizon and that my Dad was sending it from wherever.. . All I knew is since that experience I felt different, my heartfelt more full and kinder. I had something to believe in and it made me feel more solid more confident and grounded. After feeling such incredible love I knew my life had to change in some ways. I knew I had to honor that place and the love there.
But, I had no idea then, what was to come and that this would be the start of an incredible journey I would have no choice but to travel.
Postscript Fathers Day June 2017 - and so it has come in all the years since my fathers death, that my spiritual journey has shown me incredible things - yet this beginning is the seed of it all. I truly believe the forgiveness and love that evolved between my father and me after such harsh beginnings is so powerful that it transcended realms to show me the purpose of my life. The fact that his presence in my life has been stronger after death than when living is proof of this for me. My fathers spirit has facilitated my own healing in ways it could not in our lifetime together. I am eternally grateful and have unconditional love for him my greatest teacher. I honor his lessons with my life.
I love you Daddy!
Peace and love,
It started slow my need to “travel light” and get rid of clutter. It started with a closet or two and then it became a full blown clean sweep of everything. I just seem to have this strong compelling need to be free of the meaningless clutter and bullshit obligations that are really unimportant. I crave simple. I want my life to be a peaceful tribute to that simplicity. Most mornings now I wake up with what I call a “sleep smile” warm and groggy with tangled blonde hair and my dog crushing me with his furry love. There is no alarm clock jolting me. I feel safe sleeping in a space that is my own now, without anyone forcing an arrangement on me.
With the clutter in the house gone, the incessant background noise in my head has quieted. It is as though my ‘crap’ literally held voices from the past that annoyed and exhausted me. I much prefer to have my memories tucked away somewhere in the universe of “me” rather than in my attic or basement, the contents of which have now been sold, bartered or triumphantly thrown in the trash. I know that sounds strange but it feels right.It has made me peaceful and calm and free somehow. I have time to shoot the breeze with a friend on a Sunday afternoon. I can spend extra time with a client who needs my attention. Getting rid of the “stuff” has changed my life. Everything is simpler, even those situations and challenges that I can’t simplify for my family or friends like illness or disability are easier for me to deal with when the other “noise” and “clutter” is eliminated.
I triumphantly threw out my dining room table 2 weeks ago! That table had been with me since I was a young bride. It held the Karma of huge family dinners and arguments and great times of celebrations and birthdays and formal dinner parties. Everyone from homeless artists to NY State Senators have dined at that table. Paupers and millionaires, family friends and strangers, scholars and assholes all broke bread and rested their elbows on that cherry wood. It was the stage center of my life! It held 25 years of too much Karma. The leg had been screwed back on several times and it was shaky and well …it had to go…. So I took the rickety legs off and dragged it across the lawn and threw it in the trash. That felt great!
But today some lady came and took the last of what was banished to my "holding area" in the garage. She bought the dining room chairs from that table that was my center stage. Through all the piecing and parting out of my life I have been strong. At times something particularly sentimental would give me a pang when I needed to let it go. I breathed and told myself it didn’t matter in the scheme of my life’s work and deeper purpose. But today after I watched the lady load those chairs into her Mercedes SUV , I closed the front door and I couldn’t stop the tears. But instead of squelching my weak moment and anxiety I sat with it….
I was overwhelmed with memories of my parents. I felt their last meal at that table, a sit down Christmas dinner that I cooked for the family with 20 of us crowded around 2 tables. It wasn’t so long ago. I pictured my Dad at the head of the table and I could hear his jokes and my niece groaning saying how she liked her mashed potatoes lumpy, my husband’s deep baritone laugh just a little drunk and my Mom asking if there was lemon meringue pie for dessert. With the kitchen windows fully steamed, I would draw a heart when no one was looking before I sat down. I was content with my efforts knowing it brought us all together.
When those chairs drove away it all came rushing back, the grief, the loss, the sorrow. Somehow it was as if I could feel the love of those celebrations better if I had kept the chairs. I didn’t know that Christmas dinner would be our last together as children and parents. I didn’t know that the following year my parents would not be on this earth or that the year after that I would no longer be anyone’s wife.
I realized with shock what I had done…..The dining room furniture was gone. I began to plunge deeper into the loss, to remember my father’s gorgeous blue eyes and wavy hair and stupid jokes and pride in his family. I thought of my mother’s sweet lilting voice and how she loved her sweets and would tell stories of how she used to dance and she once met Frank Sinatra. I remembered how she used to love to sit next to me and hold my hand and whisper to me for another helping.
Sometimes memories can overwhelm us all, and we tell ourselves to get over it, suck it up, but today was different for me. Today I felt free to love. It may have been a little uncomfortable at first. But I had the time to love myself, to mourn my parents and cry and give myself a hug and to feel beautiful afterwards and to figure it all out. I wasn’t too busy rushing around or overloaded to the point that I had to squash my feelings and lie to myself about handling it “later”.
I dove into a deep pool of anxiety. I felt that maybe I had done something wrong throwing out that table and chairs that held so much memory. I had that ootz in my belly, the one I HATE! Swimming deeper into despair I thought about calling the lady to get my chairs back. Oh my God, my Dad sat in that chair! I panicked. I felt so much attachment in my gut I was sick. I cried my eyes out on the floor of the entry foyer. I sat there drowning with Sparky’s head in my lap before I broke the surface and came up for air! It was another most private moment between my dog and me. As much as my only wish in life is to have Sparky talk I know in times like this it is better he can’t. The shit he would have on me..oh boy!
But I am grateful for that short but necessary wallow . Thankfully the light hit me as I broke the surface after my brief but deep swim into dark panic. Was I really sitting on the floor of the entry foyer crying over old chairs? This was laughable. I realized those chairs were not important. They have nothing to do with the love or memories of my parents. That feeling in my lower stomach was the crappy feelings left over from the old me. Anxiety from the “survival mode” baggage of all these things I didn’t need. That negative and restrictive energy , that fear of loss of nothing ever being enough that held me back from moving forward. I used to be attached to earthly things and driven by their acquisition, grasping out of fear…The same way I wanted to call the lady to get the chairs back! I had fallen back into the exact “survival mode” I am trying to get away from in my life, of being controlled by the unreal, the things that don’t matter. Of grasping for things to comfort me when in truth that power of satisfaction and freedom only and always has existed within me. Those chairs had nothing to do with what is real in my life. My love for my parents and the memories are inside me no matter what. That simple fact means …there is no loss.
I made a choice somewhere along the way - that is what all this purging is about. Somehow I decided to honor my purpose as a human being. I have spent my past a slave to things and desires both mine and other peoples.. I lived up to what I was conditioned to believe was “the good life”. It made me miserable. Always rushing and fighting time thinking nothing was ever enough…more, more, more! So I discarded those ideals. Ironically I found the “good life” not by getting stuff but by throwing it all out!
I let the chairs go. I have let everything go. It’s time to live in reality not illusion. The chair episode today brought me that clarity. I am going towards what is real and leaving everything that is not real behind.
How is it that the darkness, the negative always holds the illumination that teaches us …if we are brave enough to face it and shine light there?
I suppose that is when we are truly a Warrior of Light.
A few months ago I had a dream. I was walking along the mountains in my dream and I came to a cliff. I kept trying to peer over the edge but I was too afraid to get close. I knew what was down there was scary and awful, I was too afraid to get to the edge to see. People were all around telling me stay away from the cliff. And then for some reason I started to run towards it and in this dream I felt sheer terror but I couldn’t stop myself. There was another part of me that felt so happy and free to run….I ran hard and I jumped off the cliff. Instead of falling like I often do in dreams, I suddenly was flying in a chariot! I was laughing and so happy that I finally jumped off the cliff. It was beautiful. I was safe and supported. I felt more joy than I ever have before! I didn’t listen to anyone not even my fear in the dream. My heart believed and took a leap and learned to fly!I left my fear and attachments on that cliff and flew away!FREE!
That morning when I woke up I decided to live in the real world. The one inside me, that needs nothing but love…and a few basics…
Peace and love,
I walked along this beautiful stretch of beach wondering how I got here. It was the middle of a work day for most people and here I was in shorts and a tank top walking barefoot by the ocean with a couple of snacks and an IPAD tucked in my back pack. I felt happy to be here as the sun warmed my skin and the salt spray cooled it.
It was hard to believe a year ago I was stressed, balls to the wall behind my desk, negotiating and selling. For too long I had been an exhausted barracuda, digging in my hat for a rabbit to save a deal and wistfully wishing I was anyplace else.
I remember one day 2 years before when I threw my hands up after a frustrating morning. I grabbed my briefcase and told my secretary I had appts and left. I lied. I didn't care. I got in my car drove down ocean parkway and headed for Jones Beach. I had to get air, I felt like it had all been sucked out of me, my life was in jeopardy if I didn't bust loose. By the time the office started blowing up my phone 2 hours later I had been napping on a bench by the west bath house. I reluctantly picked up the phone and said "I am never coming back. Forward the mail to West Bathhouse " and hung up. I had officially run away from home. That was the day my battery finally died. It was the beginning of the shift.
Laying in the sun on that bench by the bathhouse that day 2 years ago I knew I had to change my life or wither away. My health was suffering and the life I once loved had become overwhelming. My weight was down so low I started drinking milk shakes for lunch and still couldn't gain weight. I wasn't sleeping well. My heart wasn't in it.
It was time to find my heart again. It was time to care. About myself.
Now 2 years later here I was looking out at the same ocean but I was a different person with a different life! Whatever obligation I was not released from when my marriage ended I had released myself from in my own time. It had taken a while, a lot of work and logistics, but it was all done now. I got rid of the clutter, swept the porch clean and I threw the baggage I had stowed in the overhead compartment out of the plane. I was FREE at last.
I was lucky. I didn't have any serious commitments holding me in place. With only myself to worry about I could make whatever changes I wanted to. But that also made it more difficult in a way. Most people have the support of a partner or family while making complete lifestyle changes. I was scared and lonely and unsupported much of the time but I pressed through. I may be strong and independent, but given a choice this is not my ideal life.
But this day I walk along the waters edge with ease as the weight of the backpack adjusts comfortably and I take in the beauty. Mostly everyone on the beach is a family with some couples scattered in. I wish I had a family. I'd like to be here building a sand castle with a kid or planning somebody's sweet 16. Instead I'm planning solo adventures. I'm excited, but part of me wishes I had a reason to stay home.
I'm happy. I feel complete. I've learned to love being alone but it's not my ideal. It's like going for ice cream and your favorite flavor is discontinued. Your OK with second choice, it's pretty awesome and you have no right to complain but....
Further down the beach the crowd thins out as I come to the nude beach. Some old dude is wading in the surf and it's not pretty. This used to embarrass me. Now I could care less. Most of my inhibitions were in that baggage I threw off the plane. Live and let live. I'm glad old dude found his freedom. More power to ya, old dude, I know how you feel! Woohoo!
I feel like resting , so I do. This is the new me. I sit down when I want to. I never used to sit, I just kept going. I pull a towel out of the pack and sit down to relax and have some delicious watermelon. The sky is gorgeous. This is quite the day!
Two dudes come over and tell me I should take my shirt off. I give them my NYC stare and say " tell your story walking guys". They laugh and go away. Wrong girl.
I sit for awhile thinking. About nothing. I'm actually lazy. As a few people walk buy I assign them stories, made up in my head. It's a fun game. It's nice to be free.
But I have a serious moment as I realize for once I'm analyzing strangers with no harm just humor, instead of being an obnoxious ass analyzing people I know. In the past at times, I forgot I don't know it all and I thought I had it all figured out. I made assumptions about the reasons for someone's behavior when I didn't know shit about their reality. It was easier than facing rejection. I've been hurt a lot, no ALOT and it's easier to make up stories to justify that than take it on the chin. But I had to learn that you don't know anyone's real reasons for stuff until they tell you. Because I've lived so much ..like a cat with 9 lives, I arrogantly thought I knew human nature so well I had the right to assume I knew everyones feelings. I created scenarios based on my life experiences and thought I knew it all without considering that the other person has their own unique story. I was a self righteous ass. Those days are over. They were in one of those bags I threw off the plane. I realize that's why I feel different today. Yes, it's nice to be free and stop judging everything.
This simple life requires no analytics. And since I figured this out I feel much less burdened, lighter, relaxed like a deep yoga stretch just took over my body permanently. Ahhhh......
Being a pompous ass was a stressful burden...who knew?
The sky is absolutely stunning. My mind returns to semi mush as I lay flat on my back arms akimbo. The puffy white clouds scattered across the sky around the lighthouse look like an oil painting. The day is so beautiful its surreal. I can't believe I'm here and I'm so relaxed I could fall asleep. I just lay here for a long time listening to my favorite music staring up at the sky like I used to as a kid laying on the lawn after a game of tag. I feel delicious.
I realize I can do whatever I want. Stay here until the stars come out. Walk to kismet. Go home, put on a dress and heels, blow out my hair and go dancing at Carlyle. Stay home and watch TV tonight. Go for a sunset drive along Ocean Pkwy. I am perfectly content, company welcome but not required.
After a while I sit up to get my bearings. A nice looking man is walking towards me smiling at me so I smile back. "Hey I like your hat" , he said, as he approached me. I forgot which baseball hat I wore. He read my mind and said " Johnny walker always a good time ..I like every color black, red, got into the blue for awhile"...and he laughed. He was wearing a "Dire Straits" shirt. "Hey thanks, I like your shirt...great band" I said. We introduced ourselves and started talking music. He had just seen the band at the Paramount in Huntington. We chatted awhile and he told me about his YouTube site. It was just a nice convo on a beautiful beach with a random stranger. I realized life is so much better when your not stressed . Everything is enjoyed on a whole different level.
I felt like walking so I said goodbye to Mr. Dire Straits and continued down the beach.i wasn't in the mood for any attachments.
It was dinner time and as I got near kismet I smelled food. I walked around checking out the houses with the wagons and bikes outside the doors. It was a different world. I found myself wishing I had a summer share to hide out in for awhile.
I stopped for a slice of pizza and it tasted extra yummy. I wondered if it was the fresh air or my semi euphoric state. I thought about getting ice cream but decided that would be piggish so I told myself next time it would be ice cream instead of pizza. I pinky promised with myself and set out for my walk back to civilization.
Walking back west the setting sun was all purplish and golden with rays coming from behind the clouds. It was quite a sight to behold. As the birds dive bombed and waves crashed I felt like I was in a movie. But this was real life!
I waded in the waves and didn't care if my shorts got wet. I felt love and gratitude for my life. I felt really proud of myself. I was having a ball today. Doing nothing with myself. HA!
As I headed towards home I thought once again about that day 2 years ago when I escaped to Jones Beach. My life may not be perfect, I may long for a family at times and still be deciding my next chapter, but I finally have a life I don't need to run away from. That is a step in the right direction.
What a great way to spend a day. I highly recommend it. Once in awhile. Do nothing. It's actually important!
Peace and love,
My spiritual journey, my quest to discover who I am and my purpose has taken me on many twists and turns. But thankfully, many of my "whys" have been answered. I am presently content to go with the current and neither question or resist life but simply enjoy and observe it.. Quite a difference from the me years ago, that could not sit still for more than 5 minutes. And I was too filled with anxiety and out of control emotions to figure anything out. I have come a long way.
During one of my very first meditations, years ago, when I had no idea what I was doing I heard a voice say "put love where there is none".
I wasn't even sure what that meant. I was just so excited that something happened besides me trying to keep the grocery list out of my brain, while I attempted to quiet my chaotic mind. At the time my yoga practice was new and I was spending a lot of time reading the Sutras that eventually would become the basis of my existence in this life. This made me more peaceful, but left me with so many questions that my lesson on the mat became patience for the entire first year. Yes, patience was required and something I had in short supply as I tried to figure out what love was and where was I supposed to put it?
That was a frustrating and sometimes hellish time as I released and dealt with the demons of my past. Of course I had yet to realize that releasing that past which was filled with illusions was crucial to finding the answer to that cryptic message sent to me in meditation.
That first year of the journey held brutal awakenings, I tell you. But somehow I look back at it now with joy and nostalgia. Self discovery really is like childbirth! You forget the pain and only see the beautiful gift.
I have birthed a new me after a very long and arduous labor. And after all the dark nights and brilliant days and unexplained and solved mysteries and challenges and tragedy and joy and loss...my journey has all come down to one thing.
And now my purpose has become learning how to raise the new me, this amazing being I have birthed in love. Love for myself and others.
Oh I know it sounds so simple and so easy, but in truth it is quite the challenge. My commitment to successfully achieving self love and love for all beings has become my quest and my life purpose. Most days I succeed in my mission. My motivation is in knowing If I can truly master this I will know wisdom, joy, peace and love greater than any I could imagine. Divine love.
I have felt this love, touched it and remembered its place of residence inside me that I know is my soul. It is tucked there to be shared with you. But it took awhile for me to find that place. And once I was there it actually took me awhile to recognize and understand what love is.
It sounds funny to be half way through ones life and to not know what love is. But I had no point of reference for it. Every reference to loving and being loved had ended badly or negatively. Every persons profession of it had turned out to be false, and every definition of it proved wrong and detrimental to me. In fact this thing called " love " didn't feel very good at all and had left so much wreckage behind in my tattered heart that I had assigned it all the blame for the bleak and hopeless circumstance I had found myself in when I decided to begin my journey.
Assigning that blame took me off the hook. I gave up. I gave up on love. Told myself I couldn't be with anyone, couldn't love anyone.
And so unknowingly I committed to living in a void. While that felt safe and like what I needed, it was the worst thing for me. I could never grow there, I would never learn what love is from that vantage point. I was stuck...I was empty and miserable as each day ran into the next.
Not knowing what love is and admitting I wasn't sure of its existence gave me a free pass not to have to make an effort with anyone. When in truth it is only in relationship with another that we can learn what love is and is not. You can't learn to ride a bicycle unless you get on one..
That meditation where I was told " put love where there is none" began my quest. I had to figure out what this thing called love was. And then figure out where I was supposed to put it.
Boy was I confused...was I safer denying love or seeking it?
Slowly, I figured it out. I went back to basics. I knew love was supposed to feel good. I found that if I could set aside my fear of love and just observe my feelings in different situations I learned what felt good and what did not.
At first that was confusing. Why was I sometimes drawn to someone I didn't really know and yet avoided people I have known for years and was "supposed " to love. For instance why did It feel better when my Yoga instructor hugged me than I did when some family members hugged me? I realized that good feeling was love. And I felt it from some people and not from others and it had nothing to do with how long I knew them or who they were to me or how compatible we were or what we had in common. It had everything to do with how authentic they were. I listened to my body. I let my body guide me to truth. It was infallible. When you don't know what to trust. Trust your body when you hug or touch someone.
Our body never lies to us. When something feels good it is good and that goodness is love. It really is that simple.
We complicate it all...and set the stage for failure.
In order to get to basics and simplify the concept of love I had to dispel all my illusions of what love is.
Every person has a different language of love. A definition that is filled with different cliches and conditions, arrangements and bargains and expectations and dos and don't s and desired outcomes that we think are "love" . We all do it...we want someone with money or a good planner or stable or independent and caring and a good listener and a good cook and who likes the same music or plays golf and is sexy,or smokes or doesn't smoke..and I ask you what does any of that have to do with love?
It's no wonder we are confused by it all. Especially when we expect our partner to know "our" language without offering any interpretation of its code.
Naturally we often end up in power plays and disappointment. Wondering what happened when "things" start to change. But mostly we are just confused and don't know how or what we are feeling. In that confusion we fall back on what we are told love is supposed to be and feel ...you know like in the movies. Using fantasy as our barometer everyone falls short and too often everything falls apart. We have based our happiness on things that are external and not real. We have based fulfillment on obtaining a fantasy and completing a checklist.
Some of us spend a lifetime looking for love. We spend a lifetime trying to squeeze something real out of things that are not real. All those arrangements and expectations and cliches and demands and bargains we make trying to bind and sew love together to get that " feeling" are not real, they mean nothing, they have no value. Our conditioned language of love is a false tongue. It isn't until we let go of all these illusions and learn a new language and learn what is real that we understand what love is.
Through yoga and meditation my closed,bruised, cynical, grouchy heart started to open. And I started to long for love in my life even though a big part of me still wasn't sure about it all. I think the energy of being around people who had open hearts and were peaceful and loving like my instructor Jackie helped to shift my energy.
When you are on a journey to find something it's really good if you can search beside people who've already found what you are looking for. And love, real love is a primal need. Few of us can sustain our lives without sourcing love from somewhere .
And through observing my feelings I understood and came to know what love is and how it feels.
Love is pure joy. Love is an unmistakable energy unlike any other feelings. You feel it spontaneously in your body when you hug someone. You feel it when you take right action for no reason other than basic goodness. It bubbles up from your soul. Love just "is" . It has no agenda, no conditions, no needs or wants. It is completely selfless. Love doesn't take sides. It has no mine or yours , it only knows "ours." It can not be based on anything external but only on what is within us.
The people we feel love from and love for sometimes don't make sense to us. We meet someone new and we feel love the way I have just described it , but we tell ourselves no it can't be so because we don't know this person well enough or they are not our ideal. In our confusion we become fearful and often pull away and try to sever our connection.
In reality, time and our list of preferences have nothing to do with what is in our heart and soul. Trying to rationalize love against external conditions like time and our egos desires is like trying to hold water in a cup full of holes. Love has no conditions or boundaries or limits. It is not a condition of our mind or ego. It is a condition of our soul. Our soul has no limits. Since its energy transcends all time and space and has no boundaries, the love that emanates from there has no limits or boundaries. That explains why often a connection another is unexplainable and we can "feel" someone even when they are not around us or with us. This is "love" in its purest form. Since real love comes form our soul , our heart light, the energy of it is so powerful it can be felt across time and distance. This is a "soul mating " with another soul. We mate with many souls in our lifetime as friends, lovers, partners or particular family. These true soul pairings are brought to us to bring us joy, empowerment and for a specific purpose. This is real . It is heartfelt. It is unmistakable in your body.
True love based on soul energy is originated from a much higher source and that is why it can not be defined against our earthly explanation of what we "should " or "shouldn't " be feeling. Once we accept this our fear of love is diminished,and we are able to trust its authenticity, we open and allow love into our lives.
When we finally accomplish this open heart it is truly beautiful!
It took much introspection and reflection for me to understand that seemingly cryptic message I had received in meditation. Only after understanding what love is was I able to " put it where there is none" . You see, prior to this, I did not know what love was I did not have it in my own heart. As soon as I realized what love is my heart instantaneously became filled with an endless and limitless supply of it. For myself and others .
Since then my purpose became giving love away, to anyone and anything that needed it. And thus I finally understood the voice that said
" Put love where there is none"
So, what or who...was that voice I heard in meditation?
It was me. It was my higher self. My soul. The place within all of us that has the answers we seek. It is our God energy.or the energy of whatever source we were created from.
Meditation connects us to that source. So in actuality I did not learn what love is ....I remembered. I finally remembered.
There is no one on this earth that can not love. Everyone is capable of love. It's there within you. When someone comes into your life and you have that unexplainable connection, you hold them in your arms and hug them and it feels like something you can't describe and you can feel them across time and distance...That is love. It is your soul reminding you of what you already know. You are remembering what love is. It has nothing to do with any of the things our mind or ego thinks love is. This love just "is".
After many years of evolution through introspection and study and meditation I have evolved a daily Spiritual practice that keeps me calm, grounded and in "love. " It keeps me in my authentic self. As part of my daily spiritual practice it is my habit as my head hits the pillow at night to ask myself ..Did you love today? This means have I done a small act of kindness or particularly honored myself or another through words or deeds without need or want or agenda or attachment to an outcome. In other words did I love today just for the sake of loving. It ties in to my core belief that above all else we are here to love and be loved. And that I am here to " put love where there is none"! So far, I am love and I find love in everyday and my question is answered in the affirmative. I hope I never have a day where it is not.
Once your soul remembers what love is you can't live without it! Strong words from someone who once gave up on love and was determined to live without it!
Put love where there is none.
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose