As I hit publish I told myself it was good to blog a story about my sad days. I committed to brutal honesty about my life when I decided to start the blog, it's purpose is to touch and heal others by sharing my story and the ups and downs of my self discovery and spiritual journey. It's my spiritual reality show in print. So, share the dark times, maybe it will give others the idea they are not alone in their challenges. So, I hit publish and let my darkness spread to others, for a good cause.
Then I rolled over pulled the covers over my head and succumbed to my weak time. I cried and felt depressed and wallowed for an hour. It got boring and old really fast. I far prefer being in the light now. I like happiness, it's kind of grown on me and settled into my being taking the space that I used to reserve for sarcasm and pessimism. My fatalistic attitude was replaced by lollipops and rainbows a long time ago, well positive affirmations at least anyway. Lol. Even though my war wounds, were needing attention there had to be a better way to get through a sad day then laying here in bed with my dog. While part of me knew how to practice self care and acknowledge the sorrow that is a natural result from this life, another part of me was very uncomfortable with indulging this sad dark time.
So, I reached out to my mentor/teacher/friend Tom. He came to see me that afternoon. By the time we sat on my sofa talking I was showered and dressed and making a heroic effort to be out of the dark. I was on the path to daybreak but feeling down and emotional. I was definitely having a sad day, as many of us do from time to time. He wanted to do a healing on me similar to Reiki but a different thing called Signature Cell healing. We sat talking first and I told him what was going on with me and some of the challenges I was working through. Since January I have been deeply immersed in work on my Shadow self. I explained that some issues that have come up have been hard for me and effecting my emotions - at times getting the better of me and resulting in days like this.
Tom looked at me deeply and then said, " Well that's because you forgot who you are".
It was such a simple statement said with such conviction, my mouth dropped open and I felt the connection between us as the electricity of my "aha" moment bounced between us. Of course that electricity was God, that divine spark of light in us all that is love. "Your light shines so bright Georgia, look at all the work you do, look at all the people you help". "That light is more powerful than you realize, step into your power, shine your light, that's who you are. Love pure love. Now shine the light on yourself".
Wow! I had forgotten! Wow! This almost stranger but soo not a stranger but another light worker deeply connected to me, brought to me by synchronicity, was loving me enough to shine his light on my darkness so I could find my own light. And in that moment I did, because that is what love does. It shines. That is what light does. It shines. And I am the light. We are the light. Tom was right, I HAD forgotten who I was. Until Tom passed the torch.
"And you are not alone". He simply stated. No one had ever said that to me before. That touched me so much, I was reduced to a puddle of tears. There are so many that I am there for but few step up for me. I have usually been abandoned at my most vulnerable times. Tom went on to say I could reach out to him, his wife and other people in our spiritual group and they would send loving energy and their higher selves to walk with me when I needed light. I instantly was back in the light. I could feel myself lighter, more vibrant.
We did the healing session. Afterward Tom said I looked different, a lot better. I could feel the shift in my energy and while I definitely felt better from the healing I knew it was Tom's words and friendship that changed me and brought me back to my power. I felt blessed that he cared enough to reach for me and turn on my light. The friend I reached for the night before couldn't help me do that. He was too immersed in fighting his own darkness. He is trying to find his own light. As I realized this, I silently send him my love and light. I care enough about him, that I want to help him shine brighter and light the way for him as Tom did for me. That is love. I mentally sent a huge ball of love and light to my friend as I hug Tom and say my goodbyes.
I am light. We are all light. That light is God, it is Spirit. That light is Love. It connects us all as one. We light each other. We light the world. We are one. We are all divinity with the spark of the Divine in each of us.
So, next time the sad day comes, remember who you are. You are a light. You can light your darkness, just remember how powerful you are. And if you have trouble text me and I shall send you light. We are all stars that sometimes lose our twinkle but stars shine brightest when they shine together. " You are never alone".
I am so blessed to have many friends like Tom who remind me that we are all light.
Peace and love,
I pull the sleek sports car into the garage and hit the button to close the door behind me before I even exit the car. I want to close out the world. It's dark and quite here in this cave, it suits my mood. I'm not crazy. Some days are just like this. For the most part I am healthy and joyful, living my life in gratitude and love. But every once in awhile like an old sports injury my war wounds flare up.
Sometimes there is a trigger and sometimes there is none but always I try to discern the "why"of my discomfort even though clarity does not always bring comfort I find it is better to understand than not.
The pain can wash over me for a minute or linger for days. I have learned that these soul imprints are part of my human experience. They are my worn spots. They are the scars left over from the deep cuts of this life, and many other lives before. They are my hearts cry for nurture and sustenance. Yes they are the human experience.
Yes, some days are just like this for those of us passionate ones. Deep feeling is not exclusive to good emotions, we humans learn from polarity. In the end you learn to accept it all gratefully. But copious amounts of tears and suffering are involved before you cross this valley to that bridge. Eventually with Gods help we get there, some of us learn the way through wisdom, some of us through pain and some of us like me through a lot of both.
I finally exit the car after a brief cry, I pad through the house. My clothes are strewn on the bedroom floor as I peel them off and put on fluffy cotton PJ's two sizes too big and hop into bed. I love my bed. I love my pillow. My dog comes in, yawns, does a yoga stretch and jumps up to lay on my legs. I love my dog. I close my eyes to sleep. It is 5pm. The time does not matter. I don't care. I am doing what needs to be done. These old injuries do not have a schedule or an invitation. They just crash through the gate of my gratitude whenever they need attention. I've learned to give them what they need before they get ugly.
My eyes close. The demons come. Flashbacks of my life. I see my Mothers lifeless body, her skin pulled taught over hollow cheeks, like a wax figure. The coldness that has replaced what was her warmth pierces my heart as a place deep within me realizes we are not in the same world anymore. Flash. I am walking across the room where my father lays. I know he is gone. I rest my head on his chest and the empty hollow I feel is my undoing. His heart is quite and his life force is gone. I realize there is no man on this earth I can rest my head upon now. And I am so very weary. Flash. I am 5 years old hiding in a closet to escape the sting of a belt and curse words I don't understand. Even at 5 I know this shame will effect my life forever. Flash. I stand over the bed as my husband packs a suitcase and unravels our beautiful life with his confessions, revealing a lifetime of lies. My everything is now nothing as my life disintegrates into smashed illusions like a magic trick. My husband is a magician, he has made me disappear. I am lost as I fall through the floor and wonder if anyone will ever "see" me again. Flash. I am sitting on the edge of a hospital bed as my lifelong best friend fights death. He is screaming "no" as his fear engulfs him. I am already grieving. Through a river of tears I soothe him as he prepares to cross over. The quiet haunts me as his breath is silenced, his stillness severs the last life line to my past. Loneliness rests heavy in my heart as I realize there is no one on this earth who shall ever really know me now. Flash.
These soul wounds ache as the imprints flash like skits on a stage. My body hurts, my chest is hollow, my heart has contracted my stomach burns, my mid section is squirrelly. Even though I know it is my Chakras that are reacting to these memories, these imprints or Samsara, the pain is real. I am in grief, I am bereft. My pillow is wet with tears. I am wretched.
There is no one who can help me. These are my wounds. It is the journey of my exclusive life. I must find my own way. I don't want to talk about them, I don't want to be cheered up. It is not so simple. This is a lifetime of pain. It just has to come to the surface very once in awhile. The light there will disperse it shortly. I know what to do. I am familiar with these days. I have become very good at taking care of myself. I wipe my own tears. I scramble my own eggs. Fluff my own pillows. I hug myself. That part falls short....
I long for a hug. I long for a kind word. I wish someone could just slip into bed and hold me while I sleep. Say nothing and just be there. I want a connection with no attachment one without effort or thought. There is none. There is no one. People have their own lives. Besides they judge, they invalidate, they lecture they want to "fix" . That is not what this needs. This is not a mood swing or an imbalance or a burn out or hysterics. This is the tears of battle scars, that sometimes just need to flow. This is the culmination of a life well lived, by a soul who loves deeply and feels passionately. There is no pill or platitude to "fix "this , nor should there be. This is simply a human experience that needs acceptance not resistance. Few understand this process. Few understand we must revere all of life not just the good but the ugly too. Few understand there is beauty in repulsive things. And so this is one of the loneliest places on earth.
This is grief. It floods over my banks every once in awhile until it's finds a new reservoir to calm its swift current. It does not have a time date or expiration it lasts many lifetimes. Experience has taught me that it's current is calmed by gratitude. Even as the flashbacks bring their sting and punch I can reach past that to their gift. For I have learned loss and death are meant to be experienced so that we learn and grow. In doing that none of these experiences are in vain. The pain has a purpose, all of our lives have a purpose and my sad days always teach me. And so they must be respected and allowed. They are healthy in their own way.
My mothers death taught me to reach over my fear and ego and to never allow that to prevent me from spending time with someone who is sick and in need. My fathers death taught me to leave nothing unsaid, stand in your truth and work through conflict instead of allowing your fear to keep you silent and resentful. Regret is for cowards, be brave. My best friends death taught me how precious time is. Don't keep saying tomorrow, today make time to enjoy life. The abuse I suffered as a child taught me compassion and forgiveness. The abandonment of my husband taught me to discern the real from the unreal and break through illusions. I am grateful for all these experiences.
But these and many other losses take their toll on a heart. For souls who love fiercely and grieve deeply some days are just like this....our battle scars hurt.
I nap for a couple of hours, I sleep curled in a ball, fists for hands. My heart hurts , the pain is crippling, I want to sleep forever but that is not an option. I miss my Mom and Dad so much. I miss so many people...remember so many wounds.
I get up and make scrambled eggs and take some comfort in eating breakfast for dinner with Sparky by me. I thank God for him and I can feel the river of my grief start to flow towards gratitude. I say a silent prayer of thanks for that. I take a hot bath and wash my red puffy face. I talk to myself. I sit at my desk and I write. As my words flow from inside me onto the pages it is as if there is a relief valve in my heart alleviating the pressure in my chakras. Words flow from my river of grief and are turned into gratitude right before my eyes. The writing connects me with someone unknown , out there some where. ...I have finally found my connection that requires no attachment. Although one sided it helps, even as I long for a deeper one.
Yes some days are like this. This human experience is very challenging. But less so when we accept ourselves without judgement and go with the current. All of it teaches us. It has taught me the meaning of life. It is simple:
We are here to love and be loved. And that includes ourselves. Even on days like this.
I'm not crazy or emotional...I'm just a deeply passionate soul having a human experience! And I'm grateful for that. Accept yourself!
Peace and love,
Today I went walking with my dog Sparky around my neighborhood. It has been months since I walked the path that used to be our daily routine. I missed my walks with my dog and decided it was time to start my routine again. I live in a very scenic village and it’s a great place to walk about. I stopped walking at the end of last year when I broke up with a boyfriend who started dating another woman on my street. Walking to the park with Sparky meant walking past her house. I was the one who actually initiated the break up with the ex boyfriend and I have no desire to be with him, but it just feels awkward to walk past there …so I don’t do it. And so, I gave up something I love to do.
Today I renewed my appreciation for where I live. I walked past the beautiful marine basin filled with bobbing boat masts, onto the green lawn of the park, past the waterfalls. I looked up into a perfect blue sky with puffy white clouds and a clear sun high in the sky. It was a gorgeous day. I felt ashamed and stupid that I let some trivial awkward situation keep me from this beautiful experience I used to enjoy so often. I started to think about other situations in my life that bother me and make me unhappy. I thought…why do I allow them to continue, even though they are unwanted.
While I pondered these thoughts Sparky’s slow meanderings led the way around the park. A soft gentle breeze was coming across the lake. I pulled Sparky’s leash to take his attention from a tree bark and when I turned my face to the breeze it felt like I was being caressed by a hundred angel wings. The air smelled so sweet and a voice in my head said, “Georgia you need to take responsibility for these things”… … Huh?
Wow! Wherever that thought came from it was very humbling. And right on. I needed to take responsibility for the things that make me unhappy and anxious in my life. I deserve to be free of anything that doesn’t serve me and my highest good. Whatever negative thing is happening in my life I have caused it or allowed it to continue in some way by participating or not changing the situation. That was the truth and I heard it on the wind.
I was enjoying the park today because I took responsibility for my feelings. I stopped running away. I sucked it up and walked past the house I avoid. The reward far outweighed the discomfort. I thought about other situations that were not sitting right and out of balance in my world and I realized I have a couple of things to take care of. I need to take responsibility. I had done this so many times before over the last several years in my growth towards happiness. So many things had been changed and embarked on with great courage. But before courage always comes honesty. Welcome, brutal honesty with oneself, haven’t seen you in awhile….
And so here I was standing at the shores of honesty holding up a mirror of truth for myself. The irony is that here I was in my park in my beautiful place where I had spent so much time these past years doing just that. This was a place in my journey where I had walked off anger and sorrow and anxiety until it became gratitude and awe and wisdom these last few years. How had I forgotten this and reduced it to just a walk in the park that I stopped taking? And how could I have stayed away so long?
Ugh! The stupid things we humans do to ourselves when we act powerless are vast. How much of life and growth do we miss when we are stuck being victims? I was such a slacker letting myself miss out on my walks! Today I urge you to be the victor of your life.
It is a good time for honesty. What makes you unhappy? What do you need to do to change it? What do you need to do to make it more bearable? Now I know what you are thinking ….oh yes.. we all have those situations we say we cannot change. Illness or death or tragedy or maybe we are stuck in addiction or in a situation we feel powerless in. Some of us live with sorrow every day. But that doesn’t mean we have to lose hope or be a victim. As Joyce Meyers says “You can be powerful or powerless but you can’t be both.”
When we have a situation that seems unchangeable, when we change how we deal with it and make any change possible to allow us to feel better in it, so we can work through it..then we are no longer powerless. I recently wrote a blog about my Mom’s death. When she was dying I couldn’t change that. I was so angry it threatened to drown me. But instead of letting my anger and sorrow keep me from visiting her I used to go and give her manicures and be grateful for her. My grief did not render me a powerless victim. I took responsibility and made the best use of my time with her.
Today was so much more than just a walk in the park. I had forgotten all the things those long walks in my own solitary company had taught me. I forgot one of the reasons that Sparky is such a divine gift. I would never have started those walks if not for that wondrous animal coming into my life. I was blind and in the dark for a while about how important my park and that daily walk is for my life’s growth. I let my ego stop me from doing something I love. I broke one of my cardinal rules. It is in nature and it’s grounding that we sometimes get clarity and today I am blessed that I see clearly once again.
I walked home lighter and happier and when I got to my front door I realized I had walked past the “awkward” house and not even noticed it.
The thing holding you back from changing what makes you unhappy or reaching for what you want is more than likely so not worth the pain. Reach over your ego, your fear, your “awkward” and your doubt and do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Say what needs to be said to the people who mean something to you. And most of all don’t let anything stop you from doing what you love to do. It is the most important thing in the world!
Peace and love,
I want to take a moment of gratitude to thank all of you for your support of me on my journey of self discovery and soul purpose. I am grateful for all of you who are my teachers and those of you who come to me as students that I also learn most powerful lessons from.. I find it is in the teaching and sharing of my wisdom and experiences that I learn more. And many times the things I learn are quite astounding.
Many things happen on a daily basis in this beautiful life of mine that confirm to me that I am doing the work I was meant to do. I am happiest when I am sharing Reiki and Spiritual connections with others. And when I reach out to do a small or large act of kindness for someone. Why? Because it is LOVE! And we were all put here to love and be loved. So be love and you will find happiness.
This past 2 months have seen an acceleration of my growth and my work here at Georgia Rose Connection and because of that there is an evolution going on.. I have completed my Advanced Level of Reiki Master/Teacher so I now can teach Reiki so, stay tuned for that class schedule. This has also enhanced the energy of the healing sessions I do for others and I feel a deeper more powerful connection to the Universe and the Source that created us and all we know.
Additionally I have completed training in Integrated Energy Therapy which is a healing Modality that works directly with the Angelic Realm. For those of you privy to the story of my journey you know I have a close connection and affinity with Angels. Working with this beautiful energy is amazing and I can only describe it as pure, pure joy. Please contact me if you are interested in an IET Session and you can check out our Services menu for all of our energy work on our web site. www.georgiaroseconnection.com
I have also found or should I say have been led by Spirit (GOD) to some unbelievable Mentors that I am working with to strengthen my connection with energy and enhance my Intuitive gifts. I read energy. That is how I pierce the veil to other realms and time. Being attuned to this energy and paying closer attention to the 3D world where we live gives me the ability to feel other dimensions and energy beyone our 3D world and beyond our 5 senses by being multi sensory. Its that simple. Anyone who studies and devotes themselves to this can utilize this ability. You all know this, most of you are just afraid to remember your ability to do this. I have devoted a part of my life to this study. In the last month I have learned a great deal more...not just of the MetaPhysical world but in science and Quantum Physics and the laws of time and space. With the help of some very serious Mentors and Teachers my mind has opened even more than I ever thought possible and they have broadened my knowledge and wisdom ten fold! I now want to share these things with all of you, through workshops, events and of course through my private reading and healing sessions.
Our Night of Meditation & Reiki At the Ocean on Thursday July 23 will be a beautiful evening invoking the support of the Angels and the strong grounding presence of Mother Earth. And I now offer Energy Therapy sessions using this amazing healing energy. Our Pink Reiki Circle is open to all cancer survivors , caregivers and families. And I offer Life Coaching Sessions and Private Meditation Sessions for those of you looking to improve your quality of life.
Once again thank you all for your support. My journey of self discovery has included all of you in some form or another and I am beyond grateful for all of you in my life. I have done tremendous healing this past year. I no longer have the hollow feeling in my chest I have carried for many years. I am finally free from many burdens and illusions. This freedom gives way to the space that is pure love and light and that energy is healing to not only me but all of you as I send you love daily. Although the journey of self discovery is a life long one , it is time for my energy to shift. My journey is now about the discovery of others and how to help them heal so we can all spread joy and love throughout the world as a collective consciousness. In doing that my life just keeps getting more beautiful and rewarding.
So check out our events for the next few weeks. Join us, I invite you to connect with yourself, Spirit and Others at Georgia Rose Connection.
Peace and Love,
One of the happiest days of my life was a random one.. One day I woke up by myself warm and comfortable with a big smile on my face and I realized I was happy and I felt safe and satisfied with myself and my life. All those uncomfortable days and nights spent getting to know myself and dealing with my crap and healing finally paid off. In trying to find the life that is right for me I found myself and I really like her!
I've learned that self love is found in the small choices that make us feel like we just hugged ourselves. Not in the grand gestures of accomplishments we often celebrate with others. The things I do just for me that go unnoticed by others are the things that make me feel most satisfied and humbly sated! There is no need to boast to anyone about them. It is enough for just me to know. I have no need to share.. How much I love me is between me and God. We both know when I have quietly and peacefully honored myself. In my mind I tilt my head up to heaven as He looks down and we wink and smile at each other. This morning when I woke up with choices about how to spend my beautiful Sunday was one of those times. The strength in that moment is unmistakable and unlike any other. It becomes a state of "being" in union with the source that created me. It's a beautiful gratitude based consciousness of non judgement where a confidant smile of acceptance becomes my indestructible badge of honor. I feel like I should get a gold star that says " I found Me" ! Knowing what is right for yourself and being unshakeable in your truth is amazing.
How did I get to this beautiful place? How did I find me?
While I don't consider myself an expert but more a work in progress, I can only share what I have learned.
Its a very hard battle. It's also the most important and rewarding fight of your life. You don't have to be Joan of Arc or Superman to fight for the right to love yourself and be happy.
You just have to ..well be yourself! And most important BE WITH YOURSELF! Alone!
So here is what I've learned so far....
1- Spend time alone without running for distractions. No drinking, drugging , serial dating , over eating or unhealthy attachments. Just you spending time in a relationship with yourself. Be prepared to be uncomfortable. You are going to hurt and feel exhausted but you have to review your life honestly. Giving yourself the time to do this is the first step to loving yourself.
2- Review your life. This takes time as you work through things that come up. Own it all, the grief and regrets, the times you should have done better, the joy and the pride, the things you did right, the things that feed you soul and you want to do more of and the things you don't want to do anymore. Own all of it. Accept credit and responsibility equally. Learn to love praise and criticism equally and impersonally. You are who you are. You have to love the dark and the light in you. This is unconditional love for yourself.
3- Honor the work you've done reviewing your life by honoring what it taught you about yourself. Yes, start to honor what you have learned in the hours you spent with yourself. This is love. This is self care. MAKE CHANGES. Everyday make a small change to lead you closer to the way you want to be and find a way to do more of the things you want to do to make you happy. Honor yourself by clearing the things from your life you no longer want around you, don't want to be with and no longer want to do. This includes clearing people, places, habits and behaviors that don't make you happy. This is clearing what no longer serves you. This is self respect and love. Loving yourself means you provide the safe, healthy and supportive world that you desire and deserve. Knowing you deserve a life that brings you to your highest potential is healthy love. Steps 1-3 will connect you with yourself and God.
4- Create ...Appreciate your gifts. Start to honor the gifts and talents that God made uniquely yours and quietly give them and share them with others. This more than anything will give you joy. Step 4 connects you with others through your creativity.
Sing, play music, paint, garden, teach, write whatever is your talent share it. This is sharing love. You will feel even better about yourself when you do this.
5- Commit to yourself . Know that no matter where you are in life you will always nurture and take time to continue to love and honor yourself and honor the beautiful person you are through your choices and actions. This enable you to know you will always take care of yourself and be ok. This allows us to be independent and not enter into co dependent relationships. This is the epitome of self love.
Like I said it's not the grand gestures it's the small things that say " I love me" that add up to a beautiful life.
It could be laying down to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon guilt free or walking away and deleting someone from your phone that causes needless drama. It could be selling the old dishes you used to eat on with your ex at a yard sale and buying pretty new ones. Or it could be making a huge life change towards your dream. Whatever makes you happy and brings you to a higher good..just do it. FLY. First Love Yourself!
Peace and love,
Several months ago I decided to merge my Real Estate office into another company.
It was a lot of work as you can imagine to build and create this business. It was the driving force in my life, the place I sourced my life from, my baby. Since 2009 we had a big beautiful store front in e on the Avenue. It was beautiful, elegant and state of the art to reflect the culture of the brand I built. Not only did we sell many houses out of the space we used it as a platform to do much good work in the community. I had many events after hours there..art shows, dog rescue events, fundraisers, cocktail parties and of course holiday meet and greets. It was an amazing vibe and I took a great deal of satisfaction and pride in what I created there in many ways. It wasn't just about making money or being prominent in the community I always used my career to serve and give back too. It was my life....But that chapter is all over now.
Times changed. After a major hurricane the downtown village never had the same vibe, the storefront energy changed. The housing market locally was very soft. And I changed too. Life had given me several personal blows that had pulled me up short. I wasn't the ego driven barracuda . Now I had morphed into a calmer quieter me. I had in effect been turned inside out by many things and my energy and desires were different. It was time to move on.
I began to pursue Spirituality and energy healing. I became a Reiki Master Teacher and started another business, taking on my Nonna Rose's name for serendipitous reasons. I devoted many hours to study about universal law, quantum physics and angels and philosophy and the metaphysical world.
I caught wanderlust and want to travel.
It was time to let go of the business that had consumed me and sourced me for 20 years and scale it back to an enjoyable level that fit my new lifestyle. This was no easy task. Getting rid of possessions and a lifestyle you are so attached and emeshed in is daunting. I was extremely attached and it took a long time and a lot of gut wrenching emotion to get through it. Just the physical steps of moving the office was overwhelming , not to mention all that is involved on the business end. I had built this chapter of my life all alone brick by brick from nothing , I would take it apart the same way. And there were many great lessons involved in the process for me. Painful, ironic and happy lessons.
There is something very humbling about dismantling your dream piece by piece. Feeling and watching everything it took you 20 years to build being literally undone makes you see the true value of everything, not the illusion you thought it was. You begin to see merit and value in a new way. It becomes more internal and personal. Illusions die and you see things for what they are. And anyone who has worked through illusions knows how devastating that can be. My ego was changed and that made it easier in some ways I imagine. I didn't "have" to do it, I was in control , I had decided to make this change.
But for weeks before I began to feel lighter and on track...I felt like someone had died and I was punched in the stomach. No one around me could understand. While it was my choice, my decision, I also had no choice, this wasn't where I belonged anymore. My " home" was no longer "home" and while I had yet to figure out where " home" would be I had to move on to find out. And that meant feeling groundless and sad and very scared too. Like jumping off a cliff! And finding a new world where the things that are important are new and different.
But I have never been one to let fear hold me back, thank God. I am wired me with a risk taking ability that is in part responsible for my success. I jump in and do. I am a learn as I go human,..... improvise, activate, overcome is my motto. In biz you do that every day. For 20 years I was an adrenaline junking ...putting out fires and pulling rabbits out of my hat and always making it look easy! But now I realize there is more important work for me to do. My talents are better suited elsewhere.
It is time for me to do authentic work not built on external power. The first half of my life 's work was about me. The second half of my life's work is about others and using the gifts of my heart and soul. Whenever I would get shaky and feel like I was tearing apart my security and my identity I would focus on that fact. I was doing all this to do what I was meant to do. I would be working towards something new not just throwing away the old for no reason. I accomplished it all by Constantly reminding myself this had to be done. But it hurt to do.
I came to terms with things at 2AM one night. I was sitting on the floor of the office dismantling desks by myself. I felt depressed and scared and disheartened. I was weeping. I was reminded of a similar night many years ago when alone at the same ungodly hour I rushed to put together a reception desk for the next day's Grand Opening celebration. I was scared and nervous that day so many years ago and look how it all turned out. I had done so much, never knowing what was in store and how awesome it would all be. I realized I was a creator not a destroyer. I had come full circle. This part of my life had served its purpose and I had to clean it up and put it all away to make room for my new creation. There were beautiful memories here but it was time for a different life. The physical things didn't matter, my life would now be sourced from inside of me. And although it is difficult to adjust and not know what or where or who will be your future I have to trust. Blind Faith. Wow!
The process took a couple of months when finally the last of it was done. The last pieces of furniture found a new home at Babylon Breast Cancer Coalition. Nothing could be more appropriate as a survivor myself I do a monthly Reiki circle for the ladies and they are an amazing organization.
As I was loading the file cabinets in my truck that morning my phone rang. It was my friend who I have been planning tentatively to go to Peru with. She was telling me her daughters just got back from Peru and she felt a strong urge to go. We talked and decided to book it. One of the reasons I closed the real estate office is to travel. My life was coming together!
I hang up the phone and arrive at the coalition with the file cabinet. They hand me an envelope with the money for the file cabinets. I feel funny to take it. So, I explain to the woman , I wouldn't normally take the money but it's about a spiritual exchange for me. The money will be used to travel for my own enlightenment and to enhance my Spiritual gifts. I take the envelope and go to retrieve the other cabinets. I started to feel a little nostalgic as I unloaded them. They are the very last shred of my business, everything else was gone and done. This is it , it is over today! I started to panic and pray to Spirit that I was not making a big mistake.
,Once again Spirit was orchestrating something for me I could never know.
As I brought the rest of the cabinets in, one of the ladies Eileen who I remember from the last Reiki circle. I did for the ladies, came over to me. I could tell she had something to tell me but she was tentative.
Finally, she says , " I was at your Reiki circle last month and it was amazing", " When I left I was so relaxed and even the next day I felt great". She tells me , "The next day I went to the grocery store and when I got change they handed me this and I didn't understand what it meant" but I kept it because I felt like it meant something. She hands me a dollar bill, and she says " But now I understand I am supposed to give it to you." I look at the dollar bill and it says "Enlightenment Travel Fund" . My heart skips a beat as months of uncertainty fall away. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Spirit has given me the confirmation I needed about my future as the last piece of my old life was given away. I don't feel ungrounded anymore. I don't feel so afraid of the unknown. The universe has a plan for me and it has me fully supported. Just like 20 years ago, I had no idea what would come but great things happened then. It is the same now. Those 20 years of creation and learning have given me the foundation for my next chapter. I know so much more than I did then and I am more connected to myself, God and the universe. Great things are happening and the best is yet to come. I believe in myself and the universe. And I had to do it alone to get the full experience.
I hope my story gives someone courage to move forward and take that leap of faith.
Peace and love
From the Barracuda with a heart of Gold,
I remember when I first faced the reality of my Mom’s death I was very angry. I railed at God and cursed him. It all seemed so unfair watching her suffer….somehow I resolved those feelings…here is my journal excerpt from the day I was told her death was eminent. I hope it helps those of you angry over life’s injustices…
The fluorescent lights in the hospital waiting room were too harsh. Suddenly it seemed like the world was too bright and close up. I needed it to be softer, diffused and a little blurry. Somehow the room should be darker so the words I was hearing could be pushed into the shadows darting in its corners. “It’s not good” , the Doctor was saying. “I’m sorry your Mother has inoperable cancerous tumors in the esophagus.” Somehow his lips and words seemed out of sync. I realize the delay is in my mind. My processing is off, I’m not hearing right. His eyes are kind and compassionate while his voice is firm and clinical. “She’s not a candidate for surgery”, he states, as he hands my sister and I a photo from the endoscopy of our Mothers internal organs.
My mind snaps back into sync again as I look down at the photo. For a moment the child inside me feels guilty, like you do when you’re snooping in your parents bureau draws for spare change or candy. Surely you shouldn’t be looking at the inside of your parent’s body. It seemed like a violation of privacy. Then I remember I am an adult and my Mom is helpless in a wheelchair, part senile and a nursing home resident. Hmm … game changer there …huh? Then I realize.. she is still my Mom. And with that thought grief washes over me.
This grief is like a tidal wave and almost knocks me to my knees. I reflexively lean back and find a chair as though someone has pushed me back by the shoulders. There is no one standing in front of me it is the force of the sorrow that has seated me.
My Mother’s life is ending. I have to be responsible and make sure that she is cared for. “About 3 – 6 months”, the Doctor’s voice drones on. His voice is so flat and heavy with detachment that I have to listen closely to understand. I am trying to be strong. I want to be strong. But the ache in my chest is growing wide and radiating through me. Emotions come rapid fire I feel immeasurable sorrow, then more than a little desperate and then despair turns to shock.. Finally the tears come and I can’t stop them. I hear the word “Hospice” and then the Doctor is leaving. He has said all the things they are trained to say. He seems a like a good man, but he is hardened from witnessing too much of life and death. We have asked him many questions. He has all and none of the answers.
Reality breaks through and I notice the harsh waiting room lights again. My sister has crossed the room and we are embracing. And I think of what is real.
Nothing we do or say will change the outcome of this event. Mom is leaving us. It takes only a minute for me to push my grief aside and think only of her. I start to pray that God will take her in her sleep and not let her suffer. My beautiful kind Mom deserves mercy. The Doctor has told us she cannot eat food only liquids. The irony is not lost on me. My Mother loves to eat. Food is her solace. Denying her one of her last pleasures is too cruel to contemplate. My sister and I take some strength from each other, enough to pull ourselves together and put on a brave face for our Mom.
We go back to the exam room to our Mother to get her dressed and bring her back to the Nursing Home. She smiles and asks to go to lunch. We can’t bring her for lunch. Not ever again. No solid food for the rest of your life. Can you imagine? We promise her a milk shake and distract her. Inside I am growing cold, the frost that rolls over me is palpable.. I start to get angry. Really angry.
I walk out of the room. For a few endless moments I feel like I am going to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming. Why? Why fu____ food, why fu____ esophagal cancer? Why??? I start to curse and scream at God. Why Fu___ food God , my Mother loves to eat now she will be dying to eat !!!! Sick Mo___ Fu___ bullshit!!!!
As I walk down the hall I try to reason myself out of this anguish. I have to find a way through this anger or I know it will swallow me whole in its darkness. It will destroy my life and rob me of whatever precious moments I have left with my beautiful kind sweet Mother.
I pause in front of the Nurses station and hold my breath ballooning my cheeks. It’s an old trick Mrs. Corrigan, my childhood friends’, Mom taught me when I was six to stop from crying. It’s been stopping my tears for 40 years and it works again today. Thanks Doris! I am Ok to step back into the room with my Mom and Sis. I am the picture of calm as I watch my sister put on my Moms shoes. It is the little everyday gestures that break your heart during times like this. I decide I will go on ahead and get the milkshake and meet them at the nursing home.
A well meaning Nurse follows me out of the room as I walk down the hall. She says she is sorry and how hard these things are and she hands me instructions and starts talking to me about my Mom’s dietary restrictions. I look up into her eyes and she sees my anger. She puts her arm around my shoulder and says “Look, you just give your Mother whatever she wants”. I thank her but I feel guilty because although she means well in my mind I am thinking “God she is an idiot”. I realize people say things to make themselves feel better and it has nothing to do with me. I don’t need her to tell me how to care for my Mother. I realize there will probably be much of that in the next few months and I resolve to give it no importance.
I’m crying again as I push through the glass Hospital doors and gulp in cold air. I am finally out of that sterile horrible place that now harbors the “bad news”. It is freezing and snowing with pellets of ice hitting my face and mixing with the hot tears of my grief. I remember something made me put an ice scraper under the seat of the Pick Up truck a few days ago and I thank God for the small convenience as I do a million times a day for the little things. And then I remember I am mad at God! But I’m not …I need him more than ever!
I am crying and scraping the windows now. I want to shake my fist at the sky and then put my fist through the windshield and scream for my Mom. But instead I just scrape the window and try not to think about the war raging inside me. I keep scraping and try to think about Mom and not my own feelings. But it is hard I hurt so bad inside. I get in the truck and drive and I start to feel like a zombie, I’ve shut it all down. Everything is detached and far away. As I drive along snow covered streets I wonder why everything and everybody seems the same and functioning normally. Don’t they know the whole world just changed? What’s that expression? Stop the world I want to get off! I get the milkshake and it seems somehow pathetic to me.
Walking down the hallway of the Nursing Home nothing has changed yet it is all different to me now. My heart is heavy in my chest and my senses are dull and numb. I can’t take everything in, it is too big a mouthful to chew. I see Chris the Director of Nursing and I can see by his expression he has been informed. His eyes are sad with knowing and he seems overwhelmed. He touches my shoulder and says , “I’m sorry I heard ….the diagnosis..anything….”, I realize I am only hearing every other word as the human touch of another person is my undoing. My wall cracks and the grief seeps through. And I start to cry and I am apologizing as Chris ushers me aside into his office. “I’m sorry”, I say “I just need a minute”. He is touched and awkward and does not know what to do, so he hands me Kleenex. I turn my back to him to compose myself and when I finally do I turn to go see my Mom. I am comfortably numb again.
My Mom is the same as she was hours before. She is smiling, seemingly normal and lovely and chatty and just Mom. I am a completely different and changed individual. I am broken and devastated and I hide it from her. After awhile I say good bye and I go home.
The next day I go back to see my Mom. I give her a manicure. It is “our thing”. She loves the attention and I just love to hold her hands and feel her life blood, her energy. S he is so happy and oblivious that the end is near. I revel in the fact that I hold her hand in mine and hear her voice and see her smile. I cannot be angry in these moments only grateful. I sit across from her with the little table between us and I file and paint her nails. We talk and laugh and I can smell her and I memorize her and I am so glad I have her and I am touching her. I feel like we are the only two people on earth and it feels as though all the years we have lived have faded away to unfold into this moment. It is as though we are in a play and the scenery has dropped away to reveal just the two of us in a spotlight on the stage. There is only she and I and the love that fills our space is the only thing of importance. Nothing else in the world matters. I focus all my senses on the making of this memory and fill my heart with it.
My grief is catastrophic but my joy at being with my Mom is stronger than the grief. I feel her love and it is so alive I know it will transcend death. I know my Mother will not suffer she will go to a better place. And I know she will always be my Mom even when she is not on this earth with me. I thank God for this insight and for creating my Mother and the life we have lived.
I make sure I spend as many afternoons as possible like this with her while we both are still on this earth together. I know before long she will not be here with me. I know I will hear her cry out in pain and I pray I am a comfort to her.
I feel blessed even though at times it feels like the opposite is true. Death is sad and devastating but so much is learned about oneself and life from the experience of losing a loved one. I suppose in some ways death really is a beginning .
As I hold this beautiful womans hand in mine I decide to live each precious moment of my life never letting anger or my ego rob me of sharing time with someone I love or who loves me. I want to spend this lovely time with Mom where nothing negative can taint it or rob a single second of its pleasure. I need to feel her now while I can… I paint her nails her favorite pale pink color and she tells me it reminds her of seashells. She talks about swimming as a kid at Sandy Hook and of Crab Meadow Beach and picnics from our childhood and she calls me “Darling” as she has forever. To any passer bys we were a mother and daughter sharing a winter afternoon in that cozy day room. But in truth we were sharing a defining moment where I learned nothing matters but love and to cherish the people who show you love.
My Mom died about 9 months later. . I miss her every day. Mostly I miss her hands… on my face or in my hand. I can feel her sometimes … it is true after all love truly does transcend death. When I am upset I can feel her arms around me.. Whether it is real or a memory or my imagination it doesn’t matter. It is comforting to me.
Peace and Love,
Thunder rumbles slowly in the distance like a grumpy lion's roar. It moves over the house lazily without unleashing its full potential, perhaps the final clap of power happens down the road or not at all. It is a metaphor for my rough times, they always pass after the rumble, but your never quite sure if more is coming. It's 4 in the morning and all is still with the pregnant pause of tomorrow becoming today. This place is beautiful and reverent it reminds me of the space at the top of your inhalation before you take your next breath. It is a tiny pause of suspended time only a few of us realize even exists.
Others would disapprove and admonish me as a hopeless insomniac for being so wide awake and aware at this hour. But they don't see the beauty here. This is where I find clarity. This is where I am most creative. It has become natural for me to sleep for hours, awaken for 1 or 2 , grow in some way and then fall back to peaceful repose. This is where I am well rested and completely undisturbed! Those 2 wakeful hours are for writing and ruminating, praying and reading and learning. And most of all for paying attention.
I Pay attention to my emotions and my feelings, my hopes and my dreams. It easier to indulge yourself in this when no one is calling, texting, talking, pleading or judging you. It's just me and my 5 senses. It's just me beyond my 5 senses. The sounds of weather, the sight of the night sky, the dawning light, the smell of dew or snow or grass. The gentle breeze rustling the curtain or the soft hum of the conditioned air unit. The sound of my conscious and contents of my heart. The satisfaction and longing in my soul. These things are my companions. I never feel alone with them.
This place is sacred and full of abundance. Why do so many make it an anxious negative space?
I suppose I could use this time to tool around the net, creep Facebook pages, condemn myself for bad decisions, have a pity party or watch mindless reruns. Everyone does sometimes. and I am no different. We all have our unhealthy attachments and distractions. But mostly I prefer a higher road. I want to spend my time doing something that makes me feel good about myself. Seeking wisdom, understanding and clarity does that for me. But I judge no one their pastimes and pursuits.
Whatever gets you through the night...
3am and 4am those poor underrated and unappreciated hours. They take a lot of abuse from us...maybe we could cut them some slack... Maybe we should make friends with these intimadators , smile at these sleep robber snooze button lovers. Maybe they coax us awake so we see what they offer. Next time they nudge you look closely to find the beauty in the beast. Maybe we are all lucky insomniacs!
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose