“And another thing, I’ve struggled with your beliefs”, he softly declared, almost as an afterthought. She watched him sitting on the couch head in hand in a defeated posture. And in that split second she saw the truth. And she knew it was over!
This man seemed so open to the part of her that would always be a mystery. He had seemed to be accepting the unexplainable with her. He was participating in Reiki circles and buying her crystals. She felt his love and acceptance in so many ways big and small. They had laughed together often over serendipity and “signs”. She had begun to feel safe; finally someone understood and was on her side.
But the truth was all that time he had been freaked out and anxious about those “things”. Now that anxiety about her beliefs was thrown on the pile with all the other reasons and excuses why “they could not work". To him her beliefs were just another troublesome inconvenience among an array of petty bullshit but to her it was ALL.
She bent over him to kiss him goodbye and she realized she had never seen anyone more afraid than she was…until now. His fear had completely closed him. This strong reliable man she loved and had enjoyed in her life was gone, locked in a cave of denial and doubt to deep for him to work through. He wasn’t brave enough to reach for her love. She was now considered too much of a risk. Her lips touched his cheek and she felt her heart contract with grief. She was a gift he could not unwrap, because the contents of the box could threaten him. She knew she was hardly any risk. She was bravely standing in front of him ready to love him fiercely and passionately without condition. But he could not see her. He only saw the things he could not explain and the things he had no answer for. He was leaving her wrapped and on the shelf and he would never know or experience all the beauty inside her.
She walked out the door and left the opportunity and promise of their connection behind. The gift was to be wasted in this lifetime. She bravely resolved to move forward as she put the car in drive to go back to her lonely home, but the flood gate of her heart burst and she couldn’t see the road through her tears. She wished she had a gear shift and a windshield with wipers like the car she was driving. It would be so simple if she could wipe her eyes and move on like her BMW did. ..
She didn’t expect that he would share her beliefs. It was an awful lot to ask someone to believe in things you can’t explain, can’t see or touch. Yet she had to do that every day, because impossible things happened to her all the time. She wasn’t looking for someone to believe the same way as she did. She was looking for someone to believe in HER!
She had believed in him. She looked up to him. She thought he was steadfast and solid and perhaps would be someone she could rest her head upon once in awhile. But he did not believe in her. And that harsh simple fact was the only reason “they” would not work. It was that simple. He was not the first to let her down and would not be the last. It was always the same. They never asked her about it or discussed it with her, they just judged her instead. Believing in her required some extra faith, extra guts. It required a man strong enough to unwrap the box, intrigued enough to spend time with the contents and brave enough to look closely to see what it was all about before discarding it as “freaky”.
She rode into the dark night alone once again left to navigate this strange but beautiful world by herself. Imagine experiencing things you thought were NOT real actually happening to you. Imagine the fear and uncertainty when the impossible is discovered to be the possible. It is unnerving to build a new reality. It is the loneliest place in the world. It is where she lives.
She learned through many dark nights of the soul how to travel on this road. It is a journey with no “hows” or “whys”?” . It can only be a journey of “where?” You can’t ask “why is this happening ?” You can’t ask “How can this be?” Those answers are not in the tangible world. They are in another dimension. The only question you can ask and still remain stable is “Where?” … “Where am I going?” and”“Where is this taking me?” She has learned the answer to the” where?” it is always a positive, always a good place, always a better place than the one before. This more than anything makes her believe.
Yes the “wheres” have formed her reality. They have created the belief that the impossible is the possible. When she sees where these impossible things take people she knows truth. When connecting with a message from someone who has crossed over, it is in the place of healing where you find proof that the phenomenon exists, not in understanding how the actual communication happens. The energy of Reiki and other healing modalities is proven in the place of healing where it takes the receiver not in finding a scientific formula for proving the existence of the energy.
She has watched what happens when someone passed over gives a message of forgiveness and gratitude to a loved one. She has seen a message delivered through a card spread that made someone take right action and change the course of their life. She has seen an alcoholic become sober through Reiki. She has seen cancer patients get relief and gain strength through the healing energy on her table. She has watched enlightenment and joy come to people from these experiences. She has seen people inspired to their life purpose from readings and messages.
Yes the proof is in the where. Where grief is turned into gratitude, where bitterness is turned into forgiveness, where anger is turned to compassion, where confusion becomes clarity, where sadness becomes hope, where disease becomes ease, where suffering becomes peace. The “where” is another dimension, the space of the “where?” is great unconditional love. She has seen lives changed for the better by these things she cannot explain or see or touch. This witnessing has taught her truth. It has taught her the value and importance of life. These “wheres” have shown her how to revere other people and hold a reverence for life in her heart. These experiences have shown her the purpose of her own life. And so she knows these things are real. These “things” these “ wheres” are small miracles. She knows these things are LOVE! She knows only LOVE is REAL!
She believes in love. She believes in herself. She is steadfast, , determined and wise. She is not crazy or unstable. She is not afraid of the things that she cannot explain, because she has seen where these impossible things have taken her. This has made her a grateful believer.
She is criticized for her beliefs, shunned and sometimes laughed at by the fearful. She is pushed aside and cast out by those who are “freaked out” by her without ever really knowing her. She is left to figure out what others run from. She has no choice, she cannot run away from herself or the things that happen to her or the work she is called to do. But what those scared souls don’t realize is that she was just like them. She was running away, leaving the gift unwrapped on the shelf until she asked the where Instead of the why, and realized that she was running away from love. And now she stays and faces the fear finds the "where" for them, the others who riducule and shun her. There is a love greater than any on earth, a love that exists in another dimension with the ability to change lives and create everyday miracles. Only when she changed her direction and went towards the places that scared her did she find out the truth…..
It is all love…these things we can’t explain… go towards them and find the place where they bring you. Reach for that beautiful place of love and find your highest potential!
Find your ..where .
Peace and love,
I am "wordy". I am in love with words. I love to read, love to talk, love music for its lyrics and I love to write. I could never live without words. My favorite subject was penmanship. I'm sad that it is no longer taught. There is something so beautiful and elegantly refined about curved letters. Art. Yes, I love words. Its a love affair I hope never ends.
There is a big plastic bin in my attic filled with notebooks and legal pads. In the bottom of the big green box lay innocent grade school diaries alongside the journals of a bewildered young girl abandoned by her father yet navigating the magic of first love. There is a pretty hard covered diary that holds the ramblings of a 23 year old young bride being abused and beaten. A large green tablet tells the story of her escape and reinvention. There are black and white composition books that tell of a rise to success and fortune, of blissfull soulmate love and an amazing life. A road map to the American Dream. And there are moleskin workbooks that tell of a fall from
grace and a dreams transition into a nightmare. There is a dark maroon Cancer Diary full of fear and gratitude. And there are the most important notebooks of all that tell of a middle aged woman's struggle and climb . The climb out of an abyss on a ladder of forgiveness and acceptance to reach healing. Each word is my truth. Each letter is a stroke in the fingerprint of my personal literary DNA. My life story...so far...
For as long as I can remember, picking up a pen was therapy. Pouring out my heart to no one but myself and I guess God was some primal instinct I could never be without. I am compelled to do it and have been well...since I could. It feels beautiful and satisfying to me. As my thoughts turn into tangible words I feel great release. Words are feeling and emotion to me. They are all stuck inside until they pour on to paper where I can see them, sort them, make them my friends. Its all about that connection. In recent years I envision the words to be tiny points of light showing the way to right action as they pour onto the page from my heart. A gift to me and sometimes my readers.
I write for myself. I have to, it can be no other way . If I try to write for others it does not work it is not authentic. But I write to help others. I pour brutal honesty out onto the pages and risk vulnerability and expose myself for my readers because I want to help them. If someone can learn or gain wisdom or comfort and hope from the telling of my story it is worth baring myself. If telling of my great happiness or success can bring someone else the realization and inspiration for their own happiness or successful then I have done what I set out to do.
When the sharing of the repulsive details of my own suffering can alleviate someone else's suffering and lighten their load. my discomfort in the telling of the story matters not.. What matters is that my words connect the reader to relief and healing, through insight and inspiration. What matters is that I have created a place that inspires healing and insight. That is why my words are written.
That connection is for me too, not just the reader. I write to connect. I am an intense creature which sometimes makes for a lonely life. When you look at and feel things deeper than most, few people understand you. I learned to cope by journaling. It taught me to connect with and understand myself. But as my life grew bigger and my journey more amazing I learned so much, I had to share it with others. So, I blog.
I reach out with my pen to see who is out there. I throw my words out to the world to see who will grab on. Who will get it. Who will get me.
Words are a bridge. A bridge from safe feelings to intense emotion and back again. Reader and writer,with each other for support, we walk the winding words of this bridge , sharing a connection of mind and emotion and memory. It is a space where hearts are stirred, ideas are inspired, memories are recalled and resolution is achieved for both reader and writer. The stories make us feel connected as each word threads us together in a shared experience. We bridge our uniqueness to reveal our oneness. That is such a beautiful feeling.
Life is all about connections. My blog is a bridge connecting us to life and its meanings as I see them.
I hope you enjoy it and are stirred to think and be inspired by my experiences because they were meant to be shared.
Peace and love,
There have been times in my life that I am not sure I actually had the strength to get through. But somehow I did, because God was with me. I hope the energy of that triumph goes out to anyone who needs it in this very moment...... We are all much stronger than we know.
I stood in the downstairs bathroom in sweat pants and fuzzy slipper socks. There you stood beside me as we looked in the huge mirror at each other. Our eyes locked with recognition and love although a bit restrained, controlled ...for there lurking in the shadows was fear. Or maybe sheer terror it was hard to discern because we both couldn't go there. Fear of the unknown of what was really to come was in the room with us. It was there behind the bravado, behind the "everything is gonna be fines". The fear wasn't so thick you could smell it, it wasn't so intense that your heart raced no... it was more like something darting in the shadows of our hearts. We couldn't take it out to look at it, it was just too much to bear. We had to keep it locked up and never let it rear it's ugly head or it would consume us and be our undoing. We never spoke of it. But as our eyes locked over the bathroom mirror we silently acknowledged it and said nothing. We both knew there were no words.
Over the years those glances had come so often in the silence of our connection. Across crowded rooms ,alone at home, during amazing experiences and during challenges..in love, in strength, in need and in want. We always both knew the others thoughts that was the way of it with us. So close. And so here we stood together in this place. In silence.
We had made a pact to get up everyday and do "whatever it takes" one day at a time. The words were whispered to each other every morning before we rose out of bed. As our lips brushed against one another's, the words mingled in our breath. The mantra that would see us through whatever this was, bound us as strongly as the gold cloth and hand fasting ceremony the priest did on our wedding day. And so it was today. The day before your admission to the hospital for brain tumor surgery. The day you asked me to shave your head.
It was no easy task for me. The fear in my heart grew more intense with each swipe of the razor. I felt my heart break as your thick brown hair started to fall in chunks on to the towel I had placed on the floor. The hair I loved to grab at the nape of your neck when I kiss you was no longer attached to you. How I love to tug on those locks and know its you my handsome husband Mark.
Your demeanor was lighthearted, joking as you said "Just shave it all off, babe". My heart broke more as I watched "my Mark" become a strange looking fellow in the mirror. Your eyes were so big and features strange. Finally I was done. I could barely breath I was so sad. I bravely, stoically looked up as I set the razor on the counter and our eyes locked once again as we silently took strength from each other. I knew I had to show strength for you.
I looked down at my slipper socks and all the hair from your head had attached to them. They were covered with 'thick brown fur'.
"Look at my feet Mark, I have bear claws" , I cried and started to growl and pretend I was a bear , prancing around. We laughed and horse played forgetting ourselves, lost in the moment. So close. So "us". And then our laughter faded and the wall was back as you left me to clean up the bathroom.
Fear is a potent separator. Fear is also a common enemy that can bind two souls together.
I bent to sweep your hair off the floor and I felt myself begin to grieve. Not for you, but for me. Somehow I knew deep down you would be OK. You always were. But I grieved for a part of myself I know is lost forever. My innocence. A belief that things like this could never happen is gone. I will never believe like that again. I now know the improbable is possible. Bad things happen to good people and you can't protect yourself from things your afraid of because they ..DO HAPPEN.
I kneel on the floor and feel some of your cut hair in my palm and I am changed forever by today. I think about keeping a chunk of your hair in case I lose you on the operating table tomorrow and never feel your warmth again. The tears start to fall then but I wipe them away with steely determination lest you see me cry. My pain can't be as great as your fear even though you refuse to show it. And so I resolve to be and do whatever you need. I sweep up the hair and throw it all in the garbage bag. It's only hair I realize. You are still Mark without it. I realize I am starting to see things with a different clarity. Somehow I see deeper. I am beginning to look at things internally. The externals don't matter.
It's not about the boat and the car and the houses and the work schedule and how it will all work out and fit together and who does this and who says that and getting here and going there. It's about the hearts that beat in our chest and what is in them. I don't need your stupid hair I need your heart.
I pass through the kitchen to take out the garbage and you are sitting at the table. You look up bald head, sharper features , you give me a weak smile and our eyes lock again. It's the same eyes, same Mark, same connection but inside a different me. Yup , it's only hair I think as I take out the trash bag full of your brown locks....
repeating the mantra in my mind.....Whatever it takes....
I rush to set up the Reiki table and light the room full of candles as it is almost time for my special ladies to come for the monthly "Pink Circle" at Georgia Rose Connection. This Pink Circle I originally created as a give back for Cancer patients and survivors has become an amazing journey for me. I turn on the stereo to fill the room with soft meditation music and the mood is set. As I bend over to place a crystal grid under the Reiki table I feel the energy in the room change as I silently invoke all the Archangels, my Guides and Spirit to bring healing energy into this space.
I sit quietly channeling my energy, raising my vibration and connecting with Spirit as my source to do this healing work. I wait for the doorbell to ring...
I love this night. I have learned so much from these beautiful ladies in their different stages of challenge, dis- ease, life and healing. I feel so privileged to be around them and when I experience their energy fields through Reiki I am sometimes overwhelmed. This night has become so popular with the ladies they look forward to it. Their numbers are growing and so my friend Karen a fellow Reiki practitioner has been enlisted to help me.
Karen and I have grown closer from these nights. Entwining our energy with Spirit to heal has brought a reverence to our friendship. As though we leave this world for a bit and step into a beautiful place where we float between worlds. Material and physical are no longer relevant as only feeling and felt sense take over. The work is tiring but amazing. I anticipate the joy and beauty and love I am about to experience. Part of me is still in awe that I get to do this! The experiences have given me clarity as to what is real in life. That is an unbelievable gift to be ever so grateful for.
As a survivor of Cancer and of life challenges I am open to knowing what each person needs when they get on the Reiki table. As an empath I feel them, their pain, their emotions. If I touch their hands I feel their life work. From their brow and skull I feel their worry. From their heart I feel their grief and their joy. Their shoulders sometimes carry weight and burdens not theirs. Their bellies sometimes hold fear. Their feet need grounding and their hearts need healing. Their joints need relief. My hands know where to go...the energy guides them.
Each person is so different no matter how many souls I touch. Its amazing to feel someones strength and bravery and suffering and joy. It teaches you to revere life. It makes you humble. It makes you compassionate. It puts life in perspective. It heals your heart. It has healed mine.
Reiki has given me a life purpose and has been my awakener from Spirit. Each person I have ever given Reiki to has been a gift from God, an experience to be cherished. To feel someone's essence whatever it brings is beyond imagination. I heal. I learn. I am.
Finally the doorbell rings and Karen arrives and a group of ladies come in behind her. Everyone is hugging and saying hello, happy to meet or reunite for this beautiful supportive "love in".
As I stand in my kitchen one of the ladies comes over to me. She is beautiful in her perfect wig and red lipstick and dress with a vibrant rose flower print. I can feel her strength and bravery as she stands near. She looks in my eyes, hers are crystal clear with the beginning of tears pricking the corners. I recognize her from last month. She opens her arms to me and says "I want to thank you because you healed my heart" . I stare open mouthed. "You felt my grief" , she stated, "I never mourned my father". After whatever you did last time I was able to do that and the pain I have had in my heart for years is gone. I can't thank you enough, you have a beautiful gift." I was speechless. This beautiful lady in the fight of her life, battling a disease that too many times wins could never know that she was standing here healing my heart. "It wasn't me, it was Reiki " I respond inadequately. There is no response needed we both know we are in a sacred space. We hug in pure love and gratitude.
In my mind I think..I am such a lucky person to feel this, to be here in this moment..thank you God for allowing me to be of service. Love. I feel love. I helped this person. I am helped.
It is time to start the meditation. The room is abuzz with the gaggle of us talking and laughing. The meditation brings the energy down and after ward there is a reverence in the room a hushed silence takes over as the background music brings us further into a calm vibe . One by one the ladies take turns on the table to receive Reiki from Karen and I. Karen and I work through hushed whispers and eye contact. We just have to look at each other to know we are feeling the same things from the same places on the ladies bodies and from their energy fields. We do not know their stories, each one is a stranger. But somehow as they lay on our table we are joined in an intimacy deeper than any of our 5 senses could bring. As we are humbled and awestruck to be in their energy field we read their essence through our energy, we FEEL them. Every experience, feeling and emotion is imprinted in their energy. The places that need our attention , that need healing through Spirit are the things that are shown to Karen and I.
We work on areas as needed. We pour white light into the areas where the surgeons knife has been even though no one has told us. We can feel the stomach ailments and headaches chemo has left, even though no one has complained of them. We can feel the joint pain from years of burdens and toil. We can feel the heartache and grief from losses. We can feel the strength and resolve and bravery in their hearts too.
An older woman of about 80 gets on the table. I take her hand in mine. I can feel the work these hands have done. The children reared, the diapers changed, the foreheads felt, the meals cooked, the dishes cleaned, the aprons tied, the cakes baked, the laundry hung, the children and grandchildren rocked,,,, all with a deep abiding Mothers' love. I honor her life work by invoking healing in her body. I ask Spirit to ease her suffering and reward her for all she has given her family and this earth. I look up at Karen and I know her thoughts are a mirror of mine, we can feel the energy between us. I silently invoke the energy of Divine Mother Mary and the Goddess Kwan Yin to nuture this beautiful woman as she has nutured so many. When it is time for her to get off the table she is crying and telling us she saw her Mother come to her and she is moved to deep emotion and joy at this as she has missed her own Mother long passed.
We are all moved to tears. The evening continues as each person experiences something different. Sometimes when Karen and I need a bit of a break we hold our hands up palm to palm to give and receive more energy from each other. We tell each other "I love you " as our eyes lock. We both know that is the energy that heals, rejuvenates, renews. It is love. Love eclipses all.
There are hugs all around and gratitude as the evening is ended. When I look in the eyes and faces who have come I see very different eyes and faces leaving. I see relief and calm. I see healing has taken place. The spiritual energy of Reiki has changed their energy. Their dis- ease has been somewhat eased. We have given comfort to their discomfort.
As I close my front door my heart is so full of joy. I could not be more grateful for my life. I get to see things and feel things few do. These ladies think I help them but in truth they give me a far greater gift. They show me how precious life is. They show me what is real. They make me believe in God. They give me hope and purpose.
They have healed MY heart!
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose