Sometimes people say that I’m too deep and too intense and too analytical. It is a harsh criticism, that at times has me evaluating myself for the flaws they see. But I come away thinking I am just fine and that maybe they would do well to embrace my depth.
The criticisms are thrown at me and stated with expectation. As if I have just been told my shirt doesn't match my pants and they expect me to go inside and change and come back "fixed" and better "suited". It is not that simple and I wish people would care enough about me to look deeper to understand the source of my depth..
I sit with myself in silence then. I lick my wounds and weigh the opinion of others against my own and the the backdrop of my life. A life very well lived with an intensity few require, even fewer understand and yet some have admired.
Why do I require such intensity, such analysis?
What makes me tick?
I wasn’t always this way. I was admittedly quite shallow and self absorbed at one time.
But then cancer came to visit. Bearing gifts of truth, showing me the reality and limits of Life and Death. And once you are faced with your own mortality, you live different afterwards - if you’re lucky enough to get the chance. I got the chance...
Cancer changed me. The second chance to live changed me. It gave me a reverence for life most people never have. It showed me what’s real and what isn’t, what is big and what is small. Cancer showed me what is important and what is not. I have no choice but to live in that truth now. A truth that goes a little deeper than most people like. But I can't change that. I am me. I am lucky to be here. I won't waste this chance! No apology.
Yes. Cancer changed me.
I can’t waste my life or let it pass me by. I don’t waste time and I won't waste yours. I use time productively to meet my goals. And I use it wisely to show compassion and do kindness for others. Maybe at times I'm too emotional, too serious, too spiritual or too candid. I am many “too’s” but never “too” busy, to help, to listen to “be there", to give another what they need. I don’t leave things unsaid whether it’s “I love you” or “I don’t like what you did”, I learned both can make things better or worse but truth is always needed and I can’t keep my words from being heard. I am a truth teller. I don’t let bullshit wedge between me and anyone. I call you out on your shit and I call me out on mine. I apologize when appropriate but never for who I am. I question and probe because I don’t want to miss a thing. Every second of life is so precious, every person and connection is so important, I take nothing for granted. I am far from perfect. But I am using my time on this earth to become a better model.
I wont waste time being less than, unprepared, confused or hurting others, I show up, step up, give you my best and make what is real count. I know sometimes friendship can be an inconvenient commitment but I commit to it anyway. WE all have days we don't want to answer the phone or the doorbell and hibernate. But I know sometimes we don't get a second chance so I show up at the ER, I go to the wake, I make the ziti to drop off, I watch the kids, I meet for coffee, even when I don't want to 100%. Because afterwards I am always glad I did.
There is no excuse great enough to prevent me from being a better person, making the world a better place or not doing my part in my little corner of the universe. I guess you could call me an empathetic hard ass!
When faced with your own mortality and the reality you may never taste or hear or feel or see your life again or the people in it. The stark truth that it all may be lost and actually... end …makes you look deeper, listen closer, hug tighter, love more.
You want your life to be the best it can be. Mediocrity becomes a repulsive standard. Just getting by becomes an embarrassing level on the bar. Procrastination and laziness become unacceptable. Apathy is a disgusting thought. Negativity becomes a home invader - a thief in the night looking to rob you of your time and “heart “ so you shoot him down at the door.
I know that time is too short and I have so much living to do, I can't possibly experience it all. So I live each moment to the max. Grateful for every drop of knowledge and experience and sensation and emotion called "life" which to me is all "love"! There is so much we need to change in the world I find myself "doing" where I used to be ”thinking”..yes it can be intense, but thank God because I get things done that I used to just talk about!
Yeah its a life full throttle!
I live multi sensuously, I want to let everything wash over me like a divine waterfall. I no longer want to taste life with the tip of my tongue or tentatively feel it with the tip of my finger. I want to devour it, savor it, feel it pour down my throat into every cell of my body. I no longer want to finger something quickly but instead I long to immerse my hands in it and feel its texture and vibration and commit it to memory so I will never forget what it feels like. I want to absorb the worlds colors through my skin, feel the blue in the sky bring joy to my heart, store the suns warmth under my skin not just on it, and feel the nighttime stars twinkle behind my eyes not just in front of them!
God created a pretty awesome world for us. I figure the best way to show gratitude for that is to experience it to the fullest!
I want to commit every taste , touch, song, voice, face, color , sensation and vibration to memory so I never forget. So I can take it all with me into my next life.
Joy, excitement, pain, sorrow, love, the essence of loved ones, the sacred places and special times of this life I now observe reverently….. feeling deeply all those sensations I want to remember for eternity, and committing them to my soul.
Sometimes I think about the soul. We all have this beautiful soul and it is the only thing we take with us from this beautiful life into the next and the next.. it becomes your magical suitcase where everything you hold dear is wrapped and lovingly placed inside for your eternal journey. So I think it's important to fill this divine treasure chest with all that is real. You fill it with the essence of this life, with love. And that requires observation, presence and focus. And an Intense love for all things. I have committed myself to honor all of life in this way.
Living this way makes you intense, deep, passionate. It gives you a greater capacity to love. But it doesn’t cut you much slack. Whatever the experience is... amazing, beautiful, fulfilling, awe inspiring, repulsive, frustrating or egregious, I feel it 10 fold and use it to make my life better and learn to love more. I have no choice. Cancer in part created my consciousness because ... Once faced with your own mortality – you will always live like you were dying.
Peace and love,
Often I think of my life journey as if I am in a boat sailing around the world. With no charts to guide me I pass through the rough and calm seas of emotion and the brutal and balmy changing seasons of time. As the tide rises and falls it brings perfect days that will surely be enjoyed forever and harsh days to be endured with doubt of them passing. Yet always this vessel, this life, this being has moved through the water bringing me to a new place, to a new season,to new emotion, to new wisdom. I have stayed on continents of pleasure and overstayed on islands of pain. The weather in my mind and the worthiness of my ship determined the length of my stay in each place.
At times I left port too fast and ran into a threatening storm or discovered too late that trusted friends were pirates who would steal my precious cargo. Other times I stayed over too long in a safe harbor. Enjoying a safe respite but stuck ashore with inadequate mate or crew that caused the regret of missed adventures.
Once during a particularly rough voyage a run in with a sharp jetty put fear into my sailor’s heart, a fear that I could not forget. That fear so deeply established caused many wrong choices when I let it navigate my voyage and overshadow the truth of the sea.
I have been a Captain and a First Mate, a passenger and a lowly crew man. I have built the decks, commanded them and swabbed them. I have raised and lowered the sails and I have mended them too. My place on board this ship was too often determined by others until I learned the ways of the sea. I suffered many a grave consequence before I learned never to allow another to steer my wheel and to always check my own lines for stability. And I learned to look towards the horizon for reality. The place where the earth and sky meet is my forever truth. The sweet spot of my life compass.
The horizon is reality on the sea. It never lies to you. The sunrise brings warmth and energy, friendly faces, births, it shines upon our unions, growth, baptism and fresh starts. It teaches us love, renewal, trust, it brings abundance,fuels our life force and confirms our existence. The sunset brings peace and an end to the days suffering, the promise of tomorrow and acceptance of endings, cool relief and dark mysteries to be solved.
The clouds tell a story of what is to come, a beautiful day or a cleansing of the earth, a lazy afternoon or a challenge to met and endured. The stars bring clarity and show me where I am. They guide the way to my destination like angels holding beacons towards my future.
All has a purpose like the rise and flow of the tidewaters beneath my boat. Cycles of life. As above so below.
My journey is more than half done now. The winds have blown me where I was meant to go. I have earned my place as the Commander of my ship. I have sailed many seas stormy and calm. I started in autumn under fair skies and steady seas where I learned the basics of navigation, survival and the rhythm of the journey. Self taught through trial and error. Those skills served me well as I sailed through a very long dark winter. That winter chilled me through to the bone and brought a cold I thought would snap me in two. That barren place taught me many a lesson and when I had mastered those lessons the horizon brought me blue sky and the warm breeze of my spring. It was there that I planted new seeds and found lush land.
In spring, I harbored in a safe cove where I could honor my solitude while I reviewed my journey and healed from that long brutal winter.
I stayed moored on the shore of Spring a long time, enjoying its renewal, reviewing all my seasons, weighing my adventures for what they are worth.
That respite gave me the opportunity to plot my course, For the first time in forever I was able to chart a journey. Looking back to where I had been I used my past and history as a trusted teacher. In that cove under an inky black sky filled with diamonds I forgave the pirates who stole from me and mourned the comrades I had lost. I longed for the home of my youth and discovered another far better authentic home within the earth and sky connecting me with the source of Spirit far greater than my own. It healed my wounds and buoyed my spirits making me ready for the rest of my journey.
Reborn, content, sea worthy and filled with anticipation I cast off my lines and hoisted the sails towards summer. I am here now. Once again I am moving along the ocean as my sails fill with the wind of promise and I joyfully set out to claim the rest of my adventures.
I have sailed into summer now, the season of my reward. The place I trust more than any other to bring me all that is good. I am warm and lazy on its sea, and energized from its sun. My ship slowly bobs along. I am ready and able to sail yet the wind is slow. Something is missing.
Content yet wanting more, I have found the summer doldrums. I realize I have sailed this ship as far as it will go on my lonely voyage. I have traveled as far as I can sail solo. I have learned all I can on my own. I have fought heroic battles and gained strength and independence. I am a warrior- fierce and loyal and strong. But I have taken this journey as far as I can alone.
The rest of my journey needs a partner, the rest of my learning and sailing and adventures requires another to bring me to the next place, the farther challenge, the new sea. This partner will be my wind. He makes me move faster than I can on my own. He shows me more than I can learn myself. He fills my sails with love and life and hope. He forces me to focus forward. He will blow out the remaining storms to propel me into the horizon of our life together.
I am sated from this long journey. My blood sweat and tears have created a beautiful vessel. I am well fed and sturdy, steadfast and wise from all the sea of life has taught me. I am a sweet strong beautiful sailor, the perfect sum of all the ups and downs, sunsets and sunrises, beginnings and endings, clouds and clear skies I have sailed through.
I am content now, patient. I sit here in my summer yearning for my strong dependable wind. I bob along contentedly on the calm water and… I think I see him “Mr. Wind” on the horizon. Not too far away. Perhaps I have known him before when our hearts were not as fearless and so, we could not stay. When my wind comes this time I will embrace him with outstretched arms and an open fearless heart. I will take him into my soul like an angel embracing a weary solder. We will know that the strength of “us” is more powerful than each of us alone. Our laughter will ride up into the sails and will carry us on the beautiful adventure of my journey, his journey, our journey together. We will sail farther and faster than ever before!
For now I am just happily sailing ever so slowly…Yearning for the Wind!
The other day I was driving to meet my friend Tina for dinner. She lives in Astoria. I had no idea where I was going but my GPS was certain of the path. It feels a little eery sometimes when a computer seems to know more than us humans. I realized my car could be taking me anywhere as I blindly trusted the voice coming out of the dashboard. Recently I saw the movie La Machina about robots and their agenda in opposition to the humans that created them. It was a scary ending I won’t spoil for you. But I was caught thinking of an ominous outcome as my navigation sent me farther into dark unfamiliar streets. The pleasant voiced gadget was programmed by a human I reasoned. And I actually liked our relationship. I trusted my GPS, she impressed me, she was reliable, she never let me down...it was a good partnership.
The computer in my navigation was programmed to act as if it was performing a human task. It could differentiate direction and speak to me like a human co pilot. It was almost 100% reliable. But in reality it was just a bunch of circuitry. And yet everyday millions of people rely on similar gadgetry to be their “road map”. It all comes down to trust.
What if there was a GPS for our life path. Maybe science could create a “Navigation Meditation” to speak to us in the bathroom mirror every morning. Would we blindly trust it to get us to our career/relationship/life destinations on the fastest route with no delays? Would we instinctively trust it because it “feels right” like I do with the GPS in the car? Or would we question it ..the way we do other people’s direction when it doesn't fit into the agenda of our personality, our ego? It would be called…
But don't we have access to a far greater intelligence than either one of those? After all, if it all comes down to trust. Isn’t mastering life, mastering our emotions really about taking our hands off the wheel and putting our life into the hands of the Universe? Trusting that the source that created us and listening to our soul, should put us on the best path. Our experiences are our greatest teacher, moving us towards the perfect wisdom, development and guidance. Think about your greatest lessons - it was the experience you learned from, not any physical teacher. And that would be called …
When you enter into a partnership with Divine Intelligence you do not give permission to be mindlessly manipulated in a “Thy will be done” mantra. You trust to be shown your fullest development and highest good and it’s use…through the universe, Spirit , Buddha, nature or whatever your “source” of belief. You let go of what you “think” should be and you take action to do what you authentically should. You begin to eliminate the distractions and nonsense preventing you from living your best life. You Let go. You Trust . You Create. Be who you are. The rest is up to your non physical teachers and the universe.
The next chapter of my life will be written with Divine Intelligence. It is my life path GPs and infallible navigation system. It takes awhile to tune in the directions, it takes relaxation, attention, but now, as soon as I ask for it, it’s guidance pours in. I'm clear. Ready for my destinations. No distractions, no nonsense.
The destination I am heading for is my SUMMER. .
While my Spring has been much easier than my Winter ....it's had its challenges too.
This Spring of my life has been a long time of self discovery. Self discovery is much like gardening. The first grain of dirty grit underneath your fingernails is painful and foreign , but after awhile it's just dirt and you can't wait to get messy and down into it and feel the earth under your hands and know you are alive and changing and building and growing.
Turning over the earth to ready it for new growth sometimes reveals things we would rather avoid. Underneath the surface in the dark lurks worms and decay and creepy things. We cringe at the first site of them. But it isn't long before they become just another worm, just another bug, just another pile of crap as we keep on digging and working and discovering under the bright warm Spring sun.
Your story becomes just s story and you move on.. As summer nears we start to see beauty from the once repulsive worms and decay as their essence makes fertilizer for the buds and blooms and changes in the garden of our life. Proving what is distorted and frighteningly ugly in the dark has a purpose and useful reward once given light to clearly examine it.
Creation. From dark to light. Simple.
My Spring was a useful place for me to be. There is little in my garden now that does not serve me. Spring made my life simple as I cleared the clutter from my landscape. And now it is time to turn the page and journey into my beautiful, simple, abundant, lush, Summer.
How do I envision the "Summer" of my life?
Divine Intelligence has shown me my path.
I am a healer. I want to touch people with words, both written and said. I want to touch people with my energy. I want to inspire , to stir hearts and minds. I am a teacher. I want to enlighten others to live their best life and soul purpose. I want to help the world move away from a fear based consciousness into love. I want to travel, to be inspired and enlightened and taught by other healers and teachers. I want to experience the earth's beauty and people. My real estate career will fund these efforts.
I want a life partner who understands simplicity and sophistication, who will bring me to a higher level of inspiration, yet grounds me. Someone who makes me want to be a better person and encourages my pursuit of that. I want to share and witness life together in honor and honesty. I want to share and cherish no holds barred passion in life experiences and heart and body. I have spent much time eliminating my fears so I will be that partner to another.
I shall have these things in my Summer. I am ready. And the Universe is my GPS. Divine Intelligence!
Peace and Love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose