As I live in love my days have become gifts. Each day dawns with a beautifully wrapped box before me. No matter what tragedy or joy was inside the day before I still get excited to rip the lid off to see what this new box holds. Sometimes the contents are a WTF conondrum and sometimes the beauty or serendipity inside astounds me. But always I am grateful and welcome the gift . I no longer worry about the contents, I study it's present.
I know the universe has me fully supported. What does that mean? Some call it positive thinking but that is a phrase for 5 sensory people. When you are multi sensory positive thinking becomes a knowing, a seeing, a blind faith in all realms not just earthly, to support you. In other words I don't just hope and think positive that ... I'll get the job, catch the plane, meet the right person, find the right answer. I know all will be as it should be, I surrender it to the universe, knowing I am in good hands. Doing this frees us up to put our efforts where they are best utilized.
Saturday's gift box held an opportunity to spend time with a new spiritual mentor aptly named Dawn.. She had time for a session at a beautiful place I have never been. The Mystical Crystal is a shop in Oceanside. A space truly mystical filled with crystals from all the world. The best thing about it is the proprietor Pascal a woman from Belguim. She knows....things and all about crystals too. She studied with a monk from Tibet and had photos from her travels displayed throughout the establishment. We spoke sadly of the earthquake as she worried about friends there. I had only that morning posted photos of the devastation. I have been so drawn to that part of the world for a long time, my heart was heavy. She wore a beautiful large silver wolf pendant around her neck. I had dreams of wolf the night before.
" Is wolf your totem? " , I asked. She smiled broadly "Yes," she said,"And do you know wolf is the great teacher"? Our smiles connected as her deep blue eyes pierced mine. I loved her beautiful accent and lilting voice. "Yes I know", I stated matter of factly, "You will be my teacher". We needed no other words, we knew it would be so.
Just then Dawn came out ready for our visit. We went in back for privacy. We spoke about my self discovery and my soul work. My goal and my daily climb to live free from a fear based consciousness and live in love of myself and others and the true purpose of my soul. We talked of the fears still lurking in my shadow and how best to overcome them. She meditated with me and we cleared and balanced my chakras and put healing angelic light in them. I felt newly determined in my trek for a fear free existence without attachment..
I bought a beautiful Tibetan Quartz from Pascal and left feeling good. On the drive home I thought about how fear drives us all and how determined I am in this life to break free of that consciousnes. Freedom is my driver now. I can't be one of the hive, it's impossible with this soul. As I drive home I have a nagging feeling there is another test planned for me. I know I am ready for it. But the hairs on my neck prick up as my intuition becomes aware that my courage is the gauntlet thrown down to challenge my egos fear and he's about to pack a wallop. I shrugged it off.
I had no idea that my Saturday discussions with Dawn and Pascal would actually get me through the next two days.
Sunday the toothache started. Not just a bothersome thing a full on OMG doubled over pain. I started eating Tylenol exceeding max daily dose in 10 hours. I started calling the Dentists emergency number but no one calls back.
By Monday morning I was in full blown panic. I have a huge irrational dental phobia. As a kid I was cut with a dental drill when I tried to escape the chair. Since then I get IV sedation for everything to do with my mouth. It's still scary for me. The IV sedation another layer of fear. Anyone to witness a trip to the dentist with me would not recognize me as I shake and cower with anxiety. It's embarrassing and something that requires the "buddy system" for me.
Now here I was in excruciating pain with no dentist and no buddy. Of course panic made it all worse as I became hysterical. I felt terrible as Sparky burrowed by my side in fear from my fear. Since I felt reasonably sure my faithful fur ball would not be allowed with me if and when I finally found a dentist I thought it best to calm down for both of our sakes.
I posted that I needed a dentist on FB.
A friend texted me good morning. I texted back my plight. They sent me the name of their dentist. I stared at the text. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was my neighbor. In my fear and panic I had forgotten about Dr. Dave and his wife Karen. Note to self: panic makes you miss things!
I dialed the number and within 5 minutes I had found a savior who would fix me up. Someone I knew and trusted. I was still in a panic when I finally got to his office but I was able to relax a bit and act coherent..
I sat in the big recliner chair with all the equipment around and shook and cried feeling alone and terrified. I closed my eyes leaned back and tried to breath. A little voice in my head said, this is your test. And I realized I was completely consumed by a fear based consciousness. The very thing I didn't want my life to be. I looked at myself. I was a mess. I could barely function. Fear had completely done me in. I was powerless. I had not even remembered my neighbor was a dentist but through serendipity a friends text had brought me here to the reality of solution.. Yes, the universe was supporting me. Wow! I realized fear isn't even real, yet in its powerful illusion it had rendered me useless.
I took a couple of slow deep breaths. I willed my body to stop shaking, I brought my mind back to the present. I found my rational soul. The fear had grown huge feeding on my aloneness, I had no " buddy system". My ego found the thing that would set the panic. It used my achilees heel, the aloneness of my life and amplified it with my dog whose warmth made the lack of human presence so very noticeable.
Man, ego is a killer when it wants to make you live in fear. It pulls out every trick in the book.
I thought about my discussions with Dawn. My quest to move out of a fear based conciousness and towards living in love.
Ok F this fear you are not going to win. I knew I had to bring in love to erase it. I focused on Dr Dave' s gentle caring and competency and the warmth of his wife Karen. Two unbelievably giving people here to help me. I put love for them in my heart andI slowly fear subsided and I was not afraid. By the time Dr Dave came in and told me he had an oral surgeon standing by to pull my abscessed molar I didn't panic. I handled it with gratitude that he miraculously got me someone right away. I stayed in the vibration of love and gratitude.
He gave me the address of the surgeon. Karen embraced me and said she would take me and drive me home but they were short handed or she would do that. She looked in my eyes and said "I want you to know I would do that". She is a beautiful soul I was thankful for. I filled my heart with love not fear as I bravely set out for strangers who would give me relief albeit with IV sedation. Fear was licking at the back of my heart turning my core to jelly, but I focused oon Karens kindness.
On the way to the surgeon I started dialing friends. They would not do the procedure without someone to take me home. I struck out on the first 3 calls. But everyone I spoke to wanted to help me they were sincere... One was on a ferry to Rhode Island, one in the middle of their own emergency and one in a home closing. My angels were kicking my butt. I was starting to panic again and feel so alone when I stopped myself. You are so lucky you have friends who would come if they could I told myself. And I tried very hard to keep love in my heart so the fear stayed at bay.
I once again took a deep breath. Don't panic that's how you miss things , think find the solution, I told myself.. By now the Tylenol had long wore off and the pain was close to letting hysteria back in. I thought of Greggie my new sales agent at the real estate office. She'd only been with me a month. I was out of options I dialed.
I told her my plight. " I'll be right there", she said, "Give me the address". I couldn't believe it. How lucky was I? She was already there when I pulled in to the surgeons office. This woman barely knows me. Yes the universe has me supported... I am learning to surrender and depend on the kindness of strangers. There is no room for pride here. It's about a much bigger picture. In that moment I love Greggie and all she symbolizes, this beautiful almost stranger.
I am strapped in a chair a mask is placed over my face and an IV in my arm. The people doing this to me are total strangers. I am in a strange place I have never been before. There is no one in the waiting room for me. But I know Greggies number sits on the counter and they will call her and she will come when I am in recovery. I trust her.
I turn to the nurse putting in the IV and ask her name. She says "Anna". I look in her eyes and say "Anna do you believe in Angels?" She looks at me and answers" I pray to them everyday." "Well", I reply, "There are many right here in this room". She smiled at me.
"Anna please take good care of me, there are many people that love me and I have to be here for them." , It is the last thing I say before they plunge me into darkness.
When I wake Greggie is there, I am not surprised. She sits with me till I can stand,takes me home and helps me in the house like a drunken sailor. It's very different than the ex husband who used to fireman carry me over his shoulder and put me to bed. Somehow this feels better. More free. I am alone and I am fine. I find my bed, I find my dog, I sleep it off.
I wake with a big hole in my mouth and a hungry tummy. . It takes awhile to find my balance enough to make eggs. I eat in bed with Sparky keeping my feet warm. I check under my pillow .. Nuthin... Damn tooth fairy forgot me
I boot up facebook on my iPad. And I see the gift from the tooth fairy. Tears well in my eyes when I see all the love and light sent after my post.
I understand the gift the tooth fairy sent me. At first I didn't like what was in today's box. This day was a tough one. But I am blessed to learn. I learned I'm surrounded by love even when there is no human being next to me. I can still feel the vibration of love. I can use it to battle fear. I will win my struggle to overcome living in a fear based consciousness. Because every day I am given a gift box. Inside it are tools and opprtunities to learn how to live and align with my souls purpose.. The way we see what's in the box determines if we learn from pain and fear or wisdom.
When this day started I was learning through pain but I flipped my consciousness over in Daves dental chair, when I put love in place of fear. I started to learn through wisdom. The ride changed, it got much easier.
It was no coincidence this test was one that played on some of my two deepest fears. The dentist and undergoing the ordeal alone. But by learning how to live authentically in love we can diminish the power of fear everyday!
Thanks tooth fairy you had my back on this one!
Returning all the love and light given to me by my friends, I am so grateful for each one of your living beings.
Life is given to us by "source" whatever you believe "source" to be, God, Spirit, Energy, Vibration we all agree something created our being. We are assigned a human experience so that we learn lessons that make us better humans and more evolved souls. Our purpose is to grow and gain wisdom in our individual souls, expand our consciousness and be part of the evolution of the collective consciousness. We have to grow or we die right? If relationships, businesses, people, animals anything made of energy stops growing it dies. Everything needs to evolve to stay alive. Our human evolution depends on knowledge for growth. After all "we learn something new everyday"!
But how and what we choose to learn is a most important choice in this earth school. It affects our whole experience here. We can choose to learn through wisdom or we can choose to learn through pain.
Learning through pain is a product of our personality, our ego, we are stubborn and don't see reality and fail to be truthful with ourselves, blinded by ignorance. Pain is negative and comes from negative choices. Anger is thwarted desire. Jealousy is insecurity. Disappointment is expectation. Greed is attachment. Abuse and spite is hatred and shame. All of these emotions are at the core of one feeling. FEAR.
We live in a collective consciousness built on fear and doubt. Nations fear nations, races fear races and men and woman fear each other! We are conditioned to fear our physical environment and made to doubt that we fit into it. Anyone with teenagers can attest to the fact that our collective consciousness supports this vibration from puberty and beyond. And it is a vibe that vibrates low.
Our purpose here on earth is to increase our vibration. To vibe higher.
Most humans learn from pain. The law of polarity shows us we learn gratitude when we experience loss, we learn love and compassion through rejection and indifference. We learn survival through deprivation. We learn through adversity. History has countless great stories of men who triumphed over great hardship and endurance. Rock bottom becomes our foundation and often salvation. It has been so in my own life and I am a living and learning work in progress example of this.
But it doesn't always have to be about suffering! As my soul has evolved and I have grown to be kinder and gentler with myself and others I have learned another way to learn. I have opened my heart and diminished the desires of ego to do things a smarter easier way. Through wisdom.
For a long time I have read and studied and dug deep to seek knowledge about life. And I have learned amazing things in books, in lectures, in workshops, through mentors and listening to stories and experiences. I have worked hard and with courage to apply what I have learned in this earth school to my life experience. I allow some of that knowledge to penetrate my soul through meditation and I "find" more answers. I "find" more keys to the universe in that space where I connect with "source".
Yes I "find" answers because in those moments it feels more like remembering than learning something new. I suspect that is because that truth, that knowledge that is REAL is with us since our moment of creation, our personality/ego buried it under all the fear of our many lives and our experiences and imprints. At the core of all those answers is tremendous authentic power and one thing: LOVE
Only when you release the wants of your ego/personality can you accommodate another's growth and align yourselves and merge in true connection with another. That is authentic power. Authentic power is love. It is real.
I have had an evolution. I am still evolving. In moving through responsibility on my way to wholeness, I understand that I want to diminish fear, the worlds and my own. Through wisdom I choose to align myself with my soul instead of my ego and personality. This is not easy and it is a big responsibility. It takes a lot of courage! By doing this I create harmony in myself, others and the collective. Fear and external power separates us all. Love and authentic power unites us. My life purpose is to put love where there is none. In my own heart and life and in the hearts and lives of others. When we do this we vibrate very high and spread joy and create an atmosphere that has a positive impact on each one of us.. we diminish fear and all its effects.
My life goal is...to try my best to leave everyone I touch and everyplace I go better for having been there.
There is no other way. We all share the same soul of creation. As we shine bright so does the world.
Peace and love
The funny thing about self discovery is just when you think you are completely aware, and are “doing the work” you get a surprise that knocks you back into your real work! The "stuff" you were supposed to be working on to begin with …
I was participating in a weekend workshop about “soul contracts” listening to the teacher guide us through a meditation as I lay on my yoga mat. My purpose for being there was to clear the patterns from my father’s abandonment of me when I was a child. His abandonment had caused so much damage in my life I was determined to heal it once and for all. I was going to fix this like I fix everything .. with sheer determination..dammit! Feeling pleased with my courage and a bit smug about my walking the walk I lay on my yoga mat, assumed the Savasana position and dived into the meditation.
"You are on a bridge surrounded by beautiful golden light and you feel nothing but love" Miss yoga lady crooned as her voice wound silky strands in my brain. "Now, imagine the person you have come to understand is on this bridge with you to talk about your soul contract". The teacher’s voice spoke in a soft hypnotic monotone. “What did you learn from their presence in your life? What was the lesson you contracted with them”? I imagined my father there on the bridge facing me. I hugged him and felt love. I told him I understood I had contracted his abandonment because it taught me independence, compassion and forgiveness. We stood together in a beautiful bridge in a forest. I felt love and his energy felt softer than it did in real life. “Now ask this person what was the reason they contracted this experience with you”?, the teachers voice droned from some far away place. Wow! That’s a new concept I vaguely thought from some dim recess of my brain. As my heart stirred from the idea I could feel tears running down my face and dripping into my ears but my mind was in another place. I was standing on the bridge with my Dad. “Daddy” , I asked, “Why did you leave me , I was only a child and you hurt me so bad.” “My lesson “, he said softly, as he held my hands, “was to learn forgiveness in this life time”. “When you nursed me as I was dying it was the first time in my life I felt worthy of forgiveness”. “You taught me forgiveness and compassion in this life, you were a very brave soul to take on the lesson of abandonment to teach me , thank you”. He wrapped his arms around me and proclaimed, “ Now it is time for you to know how much I love you and how worthy you are of that love” . We stood on the bridge bathed in golden light and I felt a deep abiding love between us that on earth we never had. I knew my suffering from him was over.
Completely spent from the experience I lay quietly on my yoga mat just drifting... I started to hear music in my head, and suddenly I was on a beach. A scene I remembered from another more recent time in my life played out. I began to relive a day that had actually happened about a year ago.
I was crawling onto a lounge chair under a beautiful blue Barbados sky. My partner was laying on the lounge chair working on his laptop as I playfully cuddled and took my head phones off and put them on his ears to play him a song from my IPOD. He listened and then picked his earphones up and put them on my ears and played me a song from his IPOD. It was a safe romantic game of “sweet nothings” played without committing our own voices to the vulnerability of love. As his big strong hands placed the earbuds on my ears I heard Don Henley crooning about forgiveness in his song “The Heart of the Matter”….. Hmm.. I wondered to myself why is he playing that for me..is it a message for me or for him? It didn’t matter much ,our smiles connected and I felt close to him and loved by him in a familiar way, even though he was "new" in my life.
My mind left the Barbados memory and once again drifted back to the meditation of the present moment and onto the imaginary bridge with my father once again but, with images of that day on the beach in Barbados still clearly flashing back and forth in my mind I can hear Don Henley once again singing about forgiveness.
I'm going with the flow letting my mind wander, allowing it to show me what I should see. I surrender to it when, suddenly my father is no longer on the bridge but my ex husband is, as Don sings about “the heart of the matter”. And suddenly even as my brain vaguely creases with a what the hell are you doing on my bridge, my heart opens and … I GET IT! My father and my ex husband are in some strange way interchangeable. They have both discarded me, and left me uninvited in a life that was desperately in need of invitation.
I realize my ex husband is on my bridge, because I haven’t totally forgiven him even after all these years. I was deluding myself about it. I now had to own my crock of crap. I had been angry and distant, holding back a big part of myself with all the men who had come into my life after him. I thought I had let it all go but I was still holding, still angry, still making others pay for the abandonment I had experienced in my life. I didn't do it on purpose but out of protection. Like the 5 year old who hid in closets curled into a ball , the grown up me had hidden my heart behind a big door that I wasn't strong enough to open. Scared and hiding, I was not able to be present in my romantic life giving and receiving love. “your spirit gets weak and your thoughts seem to scatter”… I protected myself so much that I couldn’t see the one who was in front of me because I only saw the ones who had come before and left.
It was hard to believe the truth. But there it was …Bam! , On my bridge and on the beach and in my ears.
Finally I knew what that beautiful man on the beach in Barbados las year was trying to tell me. Suddenly I knew what Spirit and my higher self were trying to tell me. Their message sunk in, loud and clear.
I felt such remorse that I had squandered opportunities for love, and probably hurt people doing it. They were all in the past now, Dad, my husband and the boyfriend. But I've never been one to look behind me too long...
As Don Henley kept singing to me..”you better put it all behind you cause life goes on” I felt my heart release everything I had been holding for a very long time. I stood on the bridge alone bathed in the beautiful golden light, the same light that surrounded a very wise man and I that day on the beach in Barbados …but this time I let it seep into my soul and it healed me as I finally let it all go. I forgave myself and them. I felt purged clean and new.
Two days after the Soul Contract workshop I went to receive Reiki, from a fellow practitioner to clear any residual negative energy. I got on the Reiki table and closed my eyes as the session was to start. “Oh look, it’s 11:11” the practitioner stated as she was about to begin. “Of course it is”, I said. After the session, I felt really good even lighter than before. I was basking in my feeling of freedom, when I put the key in the car ignition to drive home and the radio filled the car with Don Henley’s “Heart of the Matter”. I just smiled at myself in the rear view mirror and said “thank you”. It knew it was confirmation that God was with me on my journey and I was on the right track.
Funny how time passes and we evolve, my father is dead, my ex husband and I are out of touch and "Mr. Barbados" has sadly moved on. But, I finally understand what that beautiful boyfriend tangled in the lounge chair with me was trying to show me that day on the beach, it just took a really long time to “click”. He always had a beautiful gift for getting to the heart of the matter. I wasn’t ready for him or the message then, but the meaning of it was stored inside my heart until it was safe enough for me to bring it into the light. I find life often works that way. Gifts are stored until there energy is best used and then they are revealed to be the gems that make us sparkle. I am very grateful he cared enough about me to deliver the gift and be the messenger. I am even more grateful I understand all it brought to me.
And I sure am glad I finally got it!
Peace and Healing,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose