I wrote this piece several weeks ago when I was feeling lost. I'm in a great place now and wanted to share...hope it helps those of you "searching" for meaning....
WHERE DO I BELONG
There is a strange restlessness that comes over you when you become aware that your heart isn't in in your life. You feel weary and bored and skittish and prickly and very lonely all at once.
It's different from the general malaise one feels when routinely staring at the ceiling at 2 am. It isn't satisfied with a meager "JKL...just keep living "... attitude or by posting a witty platitude on Facebook. No, this is an overwhelming "I've got to change my life or die" time is running out, kind of awareness.
It has taken hold of me now.
This is the latest turn in the path on my journey of personal truth. It started as an annoying longing for satisfaction and has become a constant companion that will not be ignored. It won't let me rest. Like a babe that wants to be fed, my soul is screaming for satisfaction. The cry warns me to listen or face an epic life crisis.
I have worked on my being. My heart is now open. My conscious self is aware. My Spirit is illuminated. My body is energized. My soul is awakened. And now all those parts of me want to be fed after waking up from their long winters nap. How do you create a life to satisfy all that? Following your heart and feeding your soul isn't as easy as it sounds. You can't mapquest your yellow brick rd.
I've started by taking stock as they say. Looking at what fills up the shelves in my life pantry. It is rather daunting. When sleepwalking through life we certainly acquire a lot of meaningless bullshit on our shelves in human and material form. That realization pitches me into the dark side of my heart. But that seems to be the messy place where most of my soul work is done. It isn't so scary anymore. It's my best friend.
When you become spiritually awakened and start to enter the 5th dimension, you require a deeper commitment from your heart. One that gives more love than you ever have before. You develop a heightened awareness of deep meaningful connection and understand what is truly important in life. Suddenly this makes many things that used to be fulfilling become insignificant.
It's tough when you discover your heart wasn't completely in your 3rd Dimension life. Suddenly home is somewhere you don't belong. Possessions no longer hold the appeal they once did. Your career without passion is just a " job" you don't want to go to. Relationships are uncomfortable as you move away from commonalities you no longer share. It as if your language of love has changed and your loved ones now speak in a foreign tongue. Nothing is relateable. No place feels familiar.
In this place of transition, this 4th dimension, I often feel I am lost except inside myself.
Only my dog, meditation and a few spiritual friends ease me. This is a hard lonely kind of awful place to be. I'm thinking maybe this is the purgatory Mom used to warn us about. It feels like a holding cell. A place of life review where you muster up your courage while saying " how the hell do I pull this off". How do I change from rising to every occasion for others, to living my dreams. And what are my dreams anyway? Will I have to defend my great awakening as others reduce it to a silly life crisis? Are myself and God really the only ones I have to answer to? Tough place to be.. But it is a beautiful place too. I know the voids left from clearing what no longer serves me will be filled by beauty and grace when I finally live my hearts desire. I wonder what and who will be left standing in the end. But I push the gloomy thoughts aside as I ride closer to my own authenticity. I can't wait to live my souls desire , my divine purpose and those thoughts propel me forward on my quest. My heart guides me as the truth unfolds like a red carpet welcome.
And how are my desires revealed? Through connection!
I notice, I observe. I listen. I ask. I ask myself and Spirit.
I meditate every day. I invoke the energy of the Angels especially Gabriel to bring me clear messages and Michael to protect me. I think deeply and listen to my body about what brings me joy, what feels right, who I am comfortable with. The answers surprise me every day. It's amazing what we learn by asking ourselves simple questions. Do I like that? Am I comfortable? Where is my heart? How does this make my body feel? Ease or disease?
I learn and I discern. Through the process my life teaches me where I belong. I have discovered my yellow brick road is paved with gratitude and love..for myself. It is leading me to my divine purpose and passion. I feel contentment creeping in. I am discovering that I am on earth to open and heal hearts and that the purpose of my human experience is to put love where there is none. I know the qualities I desire and deserve in a life partner and I am certain he is near. I have a life path set now and I know my desires, I do something daily towards my goals. I now stand firm in my conviction to create the life I want. The courage for the required changes comes easy when your aim is true! I Realize I belong in the moment true to myself and that wherever I am if I always believe something wonderful is about to happen it does!
The "building blocks" , the bricks in that yellow road are magical. The first one says " love yourself", the second says, " be grateful, the third says "you're worth the life you want" , and on and on, follow, follow, follow....to a miraculous journey....
We are all just a short journey away from a miracle. Start laying your magical yellow bricks today...
And let me know what happens.....
Sometimes I don't "get it" I miss the mark, I get lost in illusion. What results is usually a very painful lesson that I somehow never see coming. Being "blindsided" is a running theme in my life. But I handled the latest episode in this ongoing series differently. It did not result in a downward spiral as it usually does. Instead of curling up in a ball and wallowing in misfortune I used the energy as a spring board to restructure some things in my life. In fact, I took action with such fervor I should have had an "under
construction" sign on my forehead as this latest disappointment spurred me to clear many things that no longer serve me.
I had been burdened for months over a friend/business relationship. I thought of this person as a brother, and loyal friend and so I let down the drawbridge and he road into my castle. He made me feel like I was not alone. During a challenging time in my life he became a source of strength for me. But the level of attention he required to keep things smooth between us became a heavy burden. His moods were erratic and gave me anxiety that was draining.
Things got intolerable, so I asked God to help me see the truth. My illusions were lifted as lies were revealed. I never thought it was a deep as it was but this person was an awful manipulator from day one who used my vulnerable state to take advantage of me.
It was a painful experience. I realized I had trusted someone who was using me and I had been blind to it. That realization led me to another... I was worth more and loved myself too much to allow this in my life! I cleared him from my life completely, totally, unequivocally.
Strangely I didn't get mad. In the past I would have been furious and felt the need for a big confrontation. But not this time!
He was unimportant, I was my main concern. This was an important turning point for me. I realized I truly was thinking more about myself and what I desire and deserve. I would not tolerate less. I had been here in this place before, betrayed and devastated I would lick my wounds and go down the, oh well get over it road and go about life. I would make excuses and tell myself it wasn't so bad!
Not this time. This time I took a different road, the one where questions begged for answers. Questions like - What the hell was he doing in your life? Why did you allow this? I went deep and I talked to my soul. It really had nothing to do with the other person- this was about me. I realized every one of these situations was caused when I let my walls down and brought someone into my life because I believed I needed help or couldn't "do it alone". I thought I couldn't handle things without someone "in my corner". I am such a strong capable person. Why is that the "story" I have been telling myself? .Why don't I think I am capable of doing things alone?
My lack of self worth allowed me to bring people into my
corner who were never capable and were undeserving of my trust and kindness.
This was not something I wanted to continue so I took a life review and I had a revelation. Once I realized the source of this pattern I broke it. What I realized was very life changing....
Parents... are so important for us. They are the creators of our self worth. They sow the seeds of our confidence and security. The attention they give us gauges how we feel about ourselves our whole lives. We want to make them proud. We want them to "see" us. "Look at me Daddy!" When they don't "see" us we become invisible - sometimes for a lifetime. I grew up in a chaotic sometimes violent house. There were holes in the walls and broken furniture. The police came sometimes. My father alternated between "regular" Dad and violence. When I was not the target I would sit in my closet until it was over. But I knew the degradation of curse words I was too young to understand. I knew the sting of the belt on my little bare legs or the "plunk" of having my small arm pulled out of its socket. And afterwards there was remorse and sorrow. I was ashamed and even as a small child I could feel his shame too. And yet I loved him and I wished for "regular" Dad a lot. I believe that is when I was taught to allow someone to treat me bad and think it was OK.
One of my fondest memories is going to Crab Meadow beach as a family. I would cry "uppie go" and my Dad would carry me over the hot sand to our spot. I felt so safe pressed against "my Daddy" for those fleeting moments. I forgave his limitations long ago and I accept that he could never carry me at any other time in my life. But I guess those moments in his strong arms felt so good after the pain that ...I've been looking for someone to "see" me and carry me over the hot sand ever since. Maybe I have often accepted bad behavior in my quest for that. But I now know I can carry myself.
5 Days afer clearing my "fake friend" I got sick. Really
Sick! In bed for 6 days with a high fever, flu, bronchitis, purging so bad I dehydrated. My body was releasing the toxins of a lifetime pattern. I was feeling retched but I took my illness as a sign that I truly had broken the pattern and my body was releasing it. I knew my dis- ease would bring me ease when it was done.
As awful as I felt - I lay in bed alone, but I wasn't scared. For the first time .. I felt secure in myself. My new confidence made me realize, I didn't need anybody in my corner, to "see" me or to carry me. As sick as I was, I had no doubt I was going to be ok! I was purging and it gave me a peaceful calm.
During this time I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year. He was one of my motivations for clearing the unhealthy "friend" situation. As I lay there sick in bed my Boyfriend broke up with me. It was devastating but I still felt solid in my new found inner security. I felt stronger than ever before. I would be ok.
In some ways my then Boyfriend was the one who brought me to that place of strength. His strong grounding presence gave me a solid platform to fight from. Without him in my life at the time I may have been to weak and scared to clear the bad situation I was in. But his presence helped me believe in myself. Even though he is not aware of it, he also gave me the courage to go deep wihin and break the patterns that caused that situation to happen in the first place. My relationship with him was the healthy and brought me to a higher good. I regret not showing my true passion for him and holding back emotions out of a misguided belief that it was more in keeping with the way he wanted me to be. But I focus on my gratitude for the place he brought me to. He made me think, woke me up.. And in a strange way I hope I planted seeds that awakened him too. It was a wonderful connection that I am grateful for even if it ended too soon. There was a synchronicity to it.
My mind often goes back to a different day on another beach. One very different than the one from my childhood. Where that same Boyfriend had me do a silly "trust fall". A moment I now describe as silly in an effort to minimize it, but in truth it was a significant moment for me in a significant relationship in my life. For someone who has been building walls and protecting herself for a life time that "trust fall" was no easy task. Looking back now I don't believe I would have been able to do that with anyone
else I have met on this earth so far. It was the right souls- right time. In that moment as I fell backwards into his arms under the night sky, I reached for him, I reached for love and he caught me. I finally understood that fear doesn't keep you safe love does. The seed for the "new" me was planted back then.
As I fell back into his arms it reminded me of the feeling of being in my Dads arms as he carried me over the sand as a child. It was then I understood my fear created wrong choices. My fear of not being enough of not being able to do things on my own made me grasp for less than what I deserved. In the end it was only love and trust that got me what I deserved. When I trusted without fear I was supported by strong arms that could carry me.
It is living in love not fear that creates a better reality!
I am using the energy of my new found security and confidence to restructure my life. I will never allow anyone to drain me or dim my light ever again. I am focused on creating the life I desire free from the blocks that caused unhealthy situations in the past. I am living from a higher good. I know this revelation has liberated me and will transform my relationships to a new level of intimacy and understanding. This change has made me more "present" in my life. More alive.
I believe the fake friend , my Dad and my ex boyfriend were soul mates to me, meant to cross my path as teaching souls meant to guide me with wisdom or pain.
In this human experience we share, we are all here to learn from each other. I learned that we have many different Soul Mates in life. They can be friends, lovers, parents,enemies, siblings, co workers...these teaching souls are part of our soul cluster and we are meant to interact with them within this lifetime for a reason. If we learn from our experiences it brings us to a higher good. My definition of Soul Mate is someone who touches your soul, your higher self ,in a profound way that opens a door or teaches you something. This connection can be good or bad but it makes you different and your life is different from knowing them. No matter what the outcome we should celebrate these soul connections. Connections/ Soul Mates that change your life with lessons come from many different places if you are aware and "pay attention".
Those of us who are "spiritual" and "intuitive" assume that people outside our inner circle understand us when we say things such as "I got a message from Spirit today" or " Spirit told me" .... and are often surprised when we get odd looks like we need medication? But it is no wonder, with the supernatural spin the media puts on all things spiritual these days that we get that negative reaction. From the now old school TV series "Charmed" to Americas recent obsession with all things Vampire the media portrays all things "supernatural" as scary and darkly unnatural.
If we shut out media influence and listen to our inner voices we can go to a place of positive intent and ask why can't "supernatural" be miraculous and beautifully "super - natural"?
Why can't it be a quest for God and Angels?
My quest for God began very young. I was brought up Roman Catholic and my Mom had a very strong religious faith. We went to Catholic school and we went to church on Sunday, we worshiped within the confines of scripture and rituals like confession and communion, we had patron saints and fasted on Good Friday. My beliefs were only what I was taught by Nuns and Priests and Mom. I am actually grateful for what now seems to be an unbelievably restrictive conditioning of a child's mind, because it was the foundation of my "Spirit". I felt comfort and joy during those beautiful rituals. Even now, although I follow no organized religion I love to go to church for communion. Receiving "Christ" still inspires me with Spirit even though I now know him as an Ascended Master not the "Son" of God.
When I was 13, like all good Catholic kids I was confirmed by a Cardinal who wore beautiful golden robes and a big red hat. The Nuns instructed us about this all important sacrament called Confirmation... in which we confirm our faith in God. By special blessing from the Cardinal ,as he prays over us and puts his scepter on our shoulder, we receive the Holy Spirit . But like every other 13 year old for me it was about the new dress and the after party. Then something strange happened. As the Cardinal gave me the blessing I felt light and filled with joy. I felt a warmth through my whole body and a bubbly energy where I imagined my soul to be. It was quite a special feeling. It moved me, but at such a tender young age I did not understand. I was afraid to tell anyone.
Finally that afternoon I went to my Mom. "Hey Mom", I said "I think I felt the Holy Spirit today"... but she was too busy cooking the ham for the party to "get me". Sadly I filed the experience away in the recesses of my Self and it was misplaced, buried somewhere in the chaos of teenage years. But my first connection with Spirit was not lost. .. that recess it fell into was a part of me ..I would eventually remember...
God ( Spirit ) is our creator and he created us and the universe in his image.
Therefore we all have a piece of God's energy within us. This God Energy or "Spirit" connects us to each other and the universe. Our soul is eternal and lives through many human experiences or lives carrying this energy. The energy inside our soul has a vibration as does all things in the universe. We can connect to this energy by tuning in to the part of us that is our God Energy = Spirit. When you connect with Spirit you connect with your higher self - your "eternal self" your soul and all the wisdom stored there from past lives and from God. This is why in meditation we receive all the answers we seek, they are within us if we just connect and listen. It is also why some people have a natural or developed connection to communicate with souls that have passed over. They have learned to connect their soul energy and match their vibration to the passed over souls energy.
Connecting to Spirit is easy. Just as we condition ourselves to play basketball, workout or learn Spanish we can teach ourselves to get in touch with Spirit through meditation or connecting with nature or any personal way that connects you with your soul . Some friends connect through the use of crystals or Reiki. Shamans connect to Spirit through the earth 's energy. Perhaps hiking or sailing or hang gliding are your "connection". It doesn't matter what connects you its just important to connect!
I connect on a Yoga mat . It is my sacred place where unbidden in the quiet low light surrounded by Buddhas and incense ,Spirit came to me one afternoon. I had been sad and grieving my life, trying to find comfort in a yoga meditation when suddenly I was filled with a warmth and joy bubbling from my soul. I felt as though I ascended suspended 4 feet from earth. It was the most moving experience of my life but to anyone next to me I was just laying there on my mat. I was overwhelmed by emotion as tears streamed down my face and the forgotten memory of a 13 year old little girl washed over me. Yes, I remembered. I remembered that day... Laying there on the mat , eyes closed I was transported back in time to the eyes of a 13 year old me. I could see the sun pouring through stained glass windows of the huge church as a man in robes prayed over me and the Holy Spirit filled my soul. As I returned to my body on the yoga mat feeling incredible joy and peace like never before, my mind said.."So this is what they mean by God's grace". And I knew I was strong and loved by God and the feeling was incredible. Grace. I was now forever connected to my Higher Self and Spirit. A memory of "Spirit" imprinted on my 13 year old soul had led me back to God and myself. The sensations were exact!
When we say "Spirit told me" or "Spirit gave me a message" we are not referring to a ghost or any other scary entity. Spirit is your soul and the seat of your God energy. Spirit is your higher self. Spirit is in everything. Spirit is vibration and energy. Spirit is inside you and in every living creature. Spirit is in the universe, in animals, in the wind, the waters, the earth, the planets and the sky. Spirit is in the blue waters under your boat, the soft breeze against your cheek, the hard ground under your mat ,your babies cry, your dogs yawn, your Mothers hands, the moon beam through the window, even in the ice cream dripping down your cone. When we are quiet Spirit is in the stillness and if we pay close attention we can connect and hear the messages of Spirit in all these things. And we connect to gratitude and it fills all our missing spaces.
Thank you Spirit!
It is by Your grace I live and and connect to you and my beautiful life .
Peace and Love ...Georgia Rose
My eyes pop open to see 5:17 am on the nightstand clock. Loneliness has once again come to wake me. Like an abusive friend you reluctantly let move in when they are between apartments, it waltzes in at all hours of the day and night, spoiling my otherwise beautiful life. I can’t evict it. It’s taken up residence in my soul where it gnaws a once small bleeding hole into the size of a cannonball. The pain is so great it eats me alive sapping my strength, dimming the light inside me. Agony slams across my chest and tightens my throat until the familiar tears come. I fear the air is too heavy to breath. Alone in my bed I sob but no one hears. The house is quiet with the weight of nothing, I am bereft. I’ve never heard silence so loud. And I wonder how long…how long will it be like this? And then an ice cold bottle of anxiety joins the dark party. When I pop the cork, the stench of desperation fills the room and now I’m choking on my own emotions. Hot tears flood my pillow as I cry out in the night. The pain intensifies knowing that no one will come to comfort me. No one is coming home not parent or child or partner. My worst fears are realized.
There is no one to reach out to, I AM ALONE - this is my life now.
My brain searches for calm, something to get me thru the night. But I just grasp nothing and come up empty. My kind open heart needs more of a reason to be than just ...me.
My thoughts turn to God and I can’t believe he wants my heart, my beautiful heart to be so empty, so alone, devoid of love. Would He waste such a gift? The void is unbearable and I feel it has the power to unravel me completely. I have so much to give I want to love just for the sake of loving. I want someone to cherish me. I want to have someone witness my beautiful life while I witness theirs with joy and sorrow and all that sharing a beautiful life offers. Why instead does God want me in this place? Is it to make me stronger so I am a better person? I get angry at God. I’m done now. I’ve had enough pain and heart ache to last a lifetime and I need reprieve. Please God I can’t stand it anymore”… the darkness intensifies.. fear comes and takes hold… I start to free fall… deep in illusion I blindly fail to realize I am the cause of my own pain.
A small voice says “you can end it” but now I am strong enough to extinguish the voice. I’ve worked through that trial. I know in my core it is wrong, you cannot end anything that lives in your soul, it has no end. And that thought is the most terrifying of all because I know I must walk thru this pain to be rid of it. The pain will end when it is time, when my lesson is learned, when I master this place. I must master ALONE.
I doubt my strength to do so, but with a deep breath I lean into the sharp edge and go where few people dare. I am a warrior. Bruised and bleeding, but still in the fight. I’m exhausted from my nightly battle with myself, with loneliness that eats me alive. And still the heavy silence in my home mocks me.
This is my life now….
I need to figure out how to get out of the darkness.
My cold empty bed becomes unbearable it’s no longer a safe comfortable haven. I start my early morning paces. Tears still flowing down my face I let the dog out trying to ignore the hollow feeling threatening to engulf me. I eat my cheerios while the cheery trio hosting Fox News channel seems unnecessarily perky. The pre dawn hour starts to cast a pinkish light through the front windows as the kitchen glows warmly. I realize even though someone turned the lights out on my life the world is still bright and moving at its own pace. I can’t decide if that is comforting or grating.
Instinct or is it Spirit, tells me to get out of the house, get out of my head. So I pull on some sweats and decide to take Sparky to the dog park. His adorable furry face nuzzles me as I drive quiet streets in the promising pre dawn light. Inside the truck it feels warm and cozy and I take solace in this small previously unnoticed pleasure. My dog and me. It is now everything to me, a life saver I grasp at with my whole being. As I feel warmth from another body although not human it stirs hope and I know my desire for life and the love I have for myself will reach for whatever gets me through. I am climbing out of the abyss. Me and my dog connected in love and survival.
This is my life now…
Walking down the path to the Great South Bay I can smell the morning dew on the earth and realize I haven’t stopped to notice that since I was a little girl walking to school.
It smells so good, like life. My sense of smell becomes so heightened I feel like Jack Nicholson in Wolf! For a second I think I’m crazy and then I realize this is a symptom of awakening according to my Spiritual Counselor Adrienne, senses become heightened. My awareness instinctively reaches for light where it becomes sharper.
This heightened awareness has become the salvation of my life as it leads me to connection with the source of Creation.
I continue to walk the dirt path and my thoughts turn to God. The dirt path becomes symbolic as I muse about the Spiritual path I am on. Intuition tells me, just keep putting one foot in front of another eventually you will get somewhere that feels right, and your days will get easier as you get closer to where you are meant to be. What you learn and observe on the path during the journey holds the keys, I tell myself in my best pep talk.
It’s all so new to me, there are so many questions, so much to learn. It has become my second job now to read and research and meditate and find answers. I have discovered so many things, astrology and Tarot and Reiki healing.. I know in my heart I am on the right path because it is giving me comfort and helping me understand more than I ever have about myself, life and reasons. But I still doubt. Rarely and fleetingly but I still think maybe I am crazy it’s all “mumbo, jumbo” ...just another “thing” my mind creates to get me through the night.
And then I remember all the signs from my Angels and Spirit these last few months and my knowingness is strong. Something always happens at just the right moment to ground me in my faith.
My thoughts turn back to the path now. the earth has turned muddy.
I am walking through the marshes now; Sparky has become “snoopy sniffer” nose to the ground as he smells the salt water. He makes me laugh this beautiful animal. He brings me joy and I am so grateful for my buddy.
I come through the tall weeds looking down at all the mud on my favorite Uggs with annoyance. When I finally look up I am stopped in my tracks. All my fears and loneliness slide away as grace lifts me high. There before me is the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. There are no words to describe its colors! They wash over me and I tremble a little. Pink and orange and gold shimmering over dark blue waters as a cool breeze kisses my face. I am moved beyond words. My heart is racing as I look down at Sparky to see his fur bathed in the orange glow of a sunrise more beautiful than any I have ever seen. I raise my head up to the sky as tears of gratitude prick at my eyes. How can I doubt my existence or path with such a reward before me. In the quiet morning light just me and Sparky are anointed by the sky.
You can’t doubt our Creator when such magnificence exists before your eyes. My grief is replaced by gratitude That gratitude feeds my hunger for life, I want more of this amazing feeling! LIFE!
I hear a deep voice in my mind, “If I created all this, don’t you think I can take care of you?” I no longer feel alone. And my faith is solidified. I’m laughing now running and playing with Sparky. I am happy and lighthearted. A miracle of grace compared to what engulfed me before. Even though my road will be long and struggles many, moments like this will get me through…I just have to pay attention to them. That day I learned there is peace and comfort in God's creations, in nature and in animals . And in being alone in solitude with our Creator there is unity with All. When you connect to them you connect yourself to Spirit..
This is my life now…
(todays post was taken from a piece originally written by Georgia Rose in Nov 2011)
It is miraculous and appropriate that today on April 5, 2014 I launch my new venture "Georgia Rose Connection" because since 2011 I celebrate April 5th as my "ReBirth day". Today's event is a mile stone in an incredible - often painful and sometimes joyful journey of my heart and soul. One baby step after another brought me here to this beautiful day. As my pen scratches across this paper I am grateful for my life. But it was not always so....
On April 5 2011 my life was an empty abyss. I was in despair and grief stricken beyond measure. In a short period of time I had buried my Mother and Father 6 months apart, I had battled breast cancer. My best friend of 35 years died of Lukemia and my husband had an affair with a neighbor and abandoned me. I was broken and bereft adrift on a sea of turmoil years in the making.. Completely hopeless, I believed God had forgotten about me.
When I woke up that morning in 2011 as soon as I opened my eyes I could feel a calm heaviness weighing down my body. My first thought was " I'm going to kill myself today". I knew it was true there was no arguing the fact. And I was strangely, very calm. The relief that washed over me was as though an agonizing decision has been made and I no longer had to think of it or the consequences of it ever again. The calm weight of my mind and limbs told me it was over, this life would bring me no harm anymore. As my pain kept edging me towards the sweet promise of oblivion I felt relieved that I would die and my suffering would end.
I had lost everything meaningful to me including my dignity. Each new day was 24 hours of torture as the minutes ticked by in slow motion and the grief ate me alive.
There are no words to describe the depth of my misery. You can't describe the dark relentless pain of "nothing" until you have lived in "nothing". Simply put, it hurt to breath.and I didn't want to breath anymore.
And so, there I found myself in my basement store room with a belt around my tired neck, ready to kick the chair out from under me. I wasn't scared. There was no room for fear or guilt, pain was taking up every space in my mind, body and soul. I thought of my Mom and I just wanted to feel her hand on my face and smell her and in my despair I reasoned she was within reach ... if I crossed over. Thwack! I kicked the chair out from under me. Yeah it hurt! Death came and hovered over me a cold mocking presence. And I heard my Mothers voice "It's a SIN you can't do this" and then oddly I hear my sister Laura in her firm no nonsense voice say "You will NOT do this"! And I start to pray as I felt my breath leave me and the pressure build at my throat.
Suddenly a flicker of desire licks at a heart so broken it barely has a pulse. Slowly the flicker gains flame and a desire for life washes over me with a rush as my feet begin to kick and reach for ground. Now panic sets in as I remember my niece, Laura's daughter is scheduled to give birth to twins as I am hanging here csrambling now to save myself.. Oh My God! No! Reason creeps in from some far away place and I realize I can't do this to my family. I somehow grab hold of the metal pipe over my head and swing my legs over to a work bench and I'm miraculously no longer choking. I get the belt from around my neck and I drop onto the cold cement floor sobbing and ashamed. I lay there alone for 4 hours. Sobbing, screaming, begging and bargaining and finally I begin healing. And when I get up I am reborn. It is a new day. I am back from the brink. It is my ReBirth Day.
That day I started my journey to a new life and a new me. I realized I had been living a life of expectations and obligations, of getting and collecting, of busy -ness and emptiness, of ego and entitlement ,of role playing and resentments. Basically a life of bull shit! Underneath it all there was a woman - a girl with a kind and beautifully generous heart who had never learned her worth or how to be heard. It was time I loved and honored that woman in me! I was going to have to start to build a whole new life from scratch and work through a lot of pain. I was not sure I even knew who or what my own identity was but I sure as hell owed it to myself to find out. As my shaky legs walked up the basement steps I realized it would be like learning how to walk all over again. Baby steps.
Determined I promised myself I would live my life from my heart, and be true to my authentic self. I threw my shattered illusions in the trash. I faced my personal truth on the floor of that basement store room and I knew the cost of living an unconscious life.
I was done with that life. Never again! From now on I was going to live from this tattered bleeding but still beating warriors heart and be true to myself.
My journey began in the months that followed I slowly started to find joy. Not in a new BMW or on a fancy vacation nor from a husbands kiss on the cheek. . But on a yoga mat, a lone walk on the beach, in a sunrise or a simple indulgence like ice cream. As my dog's fur brushed against my leg ...I would feel the flicker of happiness and glimpse a crack of light. These were the sensations of life. And I used those tiny cracks of light to see my path and guide my journey until the sun came out again and I could see a meaningful future sourced by nothing but the substance in my own heart.
When your heart is open God leads you where you are meant to be! I began to meet some amazing people who taught me about connections. Not the kind you make at a business networking group but soul connections. They gave me the inspiration and courage to connect with myself and with Spirit. And most important I met myself along the way and found an amazing woman in myself that I love.
It is my dream to help others on their journey and life path by sharing my experiences and lessons here in this Blog and at Georgia Rose Connection. I am passionate about building a community where awakened individuals can be inspired and empowered to live their best life and make the world a better place.
I came from the depths of misery to build a beautiful life. I hope my joy is contagious today as I celebrate my story. Today I celebrate the birth of Georgia Rose Connection.,the ReBirth of my Self and of course the beautiful twins that in part saved my life, Annabelle and Shea who turn 3 years old today, I am excited to see where this amazing journey takes me and I hope you will all come along for the ride! This blog is my tribute to my journey and my gift to all those on their own quest for authenticity. May my words inspire you to press on when you stumble. Because Spirit tells me the Best Is Yet To Come!
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose