In a day, in a blink everything I believed in was gone. As my threshold of reality crumbled, I could feel its jagged pieces give way and the ground became spongy under my feet. The heat bolt that sharded through my belly warned me too late as it became part of my violent fall through the floor. The room blurred then and words could not form as my heart raced out of control – all systems gone! Paralyzed and shocked my scream died in a silent throat never to be heard. My descent gained speed and I numbly yet painfully understood why they call this a breakdown.
My life was broken. I was broken. Secrets were revealed and within their truth my life was destroyed with such far reaching consequences as to unravel all I thought was real. My life crumbled. Destroyed by the huge fault line of lies that had been silently laying underneath the kingdom of my charmed life. I was blind and deaf to their rumblings until the day they finally opened and swallowed the castle, the prince, the horses, the knights, my draw bridge and me whole. It was a total breakdown, rendered on purpose by a perfect, yet unknown universe as I cursed it.
I fell hard and fast into the abyss. Yes, ironically, I fell with the same force with which I had tackled everything in my life. The wind tore the clothes from my body, stripped my identity bare and rendered me so empty that my hollow being hurt to breathe. This ultimate punishment was designed to get my attention. My supply and all its sources ceased to exist within these dark unending depths. With an unforgiving jolt the far away floor slammed into my back and eternity became a sliver. Bereft and desperate I was reduced to a piece of human dust looking up for a crumb of light supply.
The universe had my attention now.
How I had been through so much in my life to end up here boggled my mind. It was unfair and made me angry and tired and faithless. I thought I had left the tragedy and shame of my origins behind. I thought I was safe in the world I worked so hard to create. I had worked so hard to control and carefully orchestrate everything to insulate myself from this very place.
People who dress for dinner and have huge shiny Christmas Trees and vacation in Europe don’t beat their kids or cheat on their wives or have the cops on the front lawn. They live beautiful lives where repulsive things don’t get to ride across the drawbridge. Doesn’t status and money and prominence and success give you the power to hold abandonment and shame at bay?
Maybe castles and BMW’s and diamond bracelets and market share and awards and fancy friends and handsome husbands don’t keep you safe after all. I had sourced my life from my marriage and my business and my friends and my “stuff”. It was all meaningless now. My life had been a lie, although I was the last to know. I built on a foundation that was never real. My husband had a hidden agenda, as did most of the people around me and the universe had other ideas of what I was supposed to be. Everything I thought was perfect was in fact all wrong.
My identity so strong and deep and bold, was false for me, forged from fear and created by survival. It was pitiful but, only the universe had known that. I was clueless and now I was rendered empty by what I saw as this punishing and undeserved breakdown of everything I held dear.
I had just about lost all faith. From this desperately painful and horrific place where rock bottom was underneath my back like spongy quick sand, I looked up for a sliver of something to help me. Even in this dark abyss I reasoned if I could look up, I could get up but I needed a rope – maybe a few ropes – lifelines to pull me up.
My parents had died 6 months apart from each other about a year before this time and I was too busy to grieve during my “fabulous” life. I found myself with plenty of time to do that now. And so, I started to think about my Mom a lot. At first the grief was too heavy to bear but then it lightened as I allowed wisdom to push through. Mom gave me such a strong faith in God and had taught me to pray the Rosary. We always went to Catholic mass and I had been Catholic School educated. I started to pray, and think about things the nuns had taught us. Because of Mom my loss of faith in the dark didn’t last long. Laying on the floor of my abyss I could sense I wasn’t alone. God was there and I turned to him.
I suppose this is when the Breakdown became the Break Through. I started to go to mass and it gave me some peace but I was still in despair. After receiving communion one day I had an epiphany. I was so alone and afraid lost in the shadows of every bad and painful thing that had ever happened to me. Shadows were all around me like boogie men driving me insane with desperation to escape from this lonely darkness. And then I realized you can’t have shadows without light. There was light coming from somewhere in this abyss because it had lit these shadows so I could see them. I was supposed to see them. I was supposed to embrace them and feel their fear and reconcile it. This was not my punishment. It was all a gift from God. The Universe had given me a breakdown so I could heal and create and build a new me, a new identity and a new kingdom.
This breakthrough would be the beginning of my Break Out. My break out from years of fear and shame was just beginning. This was the first step – the awakening and the gratitude of it all.
These thoughts opened so much amazing energy in my life. Miraculously and still quite painfully my healing began. It would be a long time and many discoveries before I learned how to live in the light. It takes extreme highs and lows to teach you what you value. But once I understood what was happening I had a path to follow out of the dark. And so, began my road map populated with signs that led me to places and people and experiences and wisdom that once I was open to came in rapid divine fire. Yoga, meditation, reiki, gurus, angels and divine masters were seemingly thrown at me from a place and power I never knew of before.
When God and the Angels have a plan for you they ring it loud and clear. Once this beautiful bell begins to toll you can’t unring it. It calls you to do the work of your soul and it grows louder and louder as you stand incredulous in its song. My breakdown was no punishment but a blessing. I was being anointed and confirmed as a beautiful creation of God. I now saw that we all are thus and I began to honor each person’s soul including my own.
This was indeed a breakout as I crawled out from under crippling fear and shame into joy and love and trust. I was no longer falling through the floor to land at the bottom of an abyss. Now the universe had my back and was shining light all around me.
Many of you my dear readers have taken this path and are warriors on the journey. Your bravery and valor has not one unnoticed. This journey is a long and excruciating creation of a new identity. One that aligns us with what the Universe wanted of us all along. But molding and bending oneself into divine alignment to live in love and joy is a bone breaking and soul shattering trip. As we destroy what our egos have created we feel frightened and groundless and most of us run back to our old ways and try to shut out the call of a different life. For other’s it is a long and arduos journey of two steps forward and one back. We are always trying to find the key that will make life and its path easier. We are the sacred key. If we just stop to listen we will awaken to the signs meant to lead us to that which keeps us on the journey. For me it was many things. Complicated channels from Arch Angels as well as a daily yoga practice. Something as simple as laying in meditation at the end of my practice with my back against the earth on my yoga mat reinforces every day that the Universe does indeed have my back and fear is unreal. It is important to find what keeps us on this beautiful and deep path of light. When seeking the most important place to look is within.
For most people the journey of enlightenment culminates with their own improvements. Better health, better relationships and healing things in their own life is a wonderful goal and great accomplishment. But I believe a true Breakout should be taken a step further.
The journey of enlightenment is not just for us alone. It happens for a much bigger reason. Our personal truth and healing comes when our breakdown empowers us to become that which we needed to be for ourselves before our life broke down. It is in this fulfillment that we become aligned with our divine purpose. Our divine purpose is found when we become what the universe needs us to be, not just for ourselves, but for others. We are meant to heal and then we are meant to break out and go forth to heal the world.
This is the true purpose of the journey. Your break down happened so you could be enlightened to heal the world. The trials and struggles were not a punishment but a gift. Your suffering was an act of healing you were privileged enough to be blessed with for all beings. Our purpose is to reach up and connect to this Ultimate source to help others by using the Infinite Intelligence to shine the light within us.
Each of our experiences on this road are unique to us. In this we become compassionate and patient and loving in particular ways and this hones special nurturing and understanding within each of us. Whatever is our wound becomes our place of healing. Whatever is our fear becomes our place of empowerment. Whatever was our loss becomes our gift. We are all a beautiful masterpiece of triumph over that which we struggle. You were created and given this triumph to help another who walks in that place of darkness where you once were, to show them there is light among their shadows. In this we become the living proof of a God that never leaves us wanting or deprived and lives in all of us.
I had a break down. I had a break through. And then I used it all to Break out. Through this healing we can source our lives and fulfill our divine purpose.
Peace and love on your journey,
My journey of self- discovery has ebbed and flowed on the ocean of Spirits whim. An unpredictable force that has jostled me over its rock and dragged me in to its briny depth. It has hoisted me over its waterfalls and thrown me down its watery cliffs. I have rested in the calm pools of Angels hands and I have swirled in torment on the rapids of resistance. But always, always the waters of Spirits whim have been against my back, His waves guiding me home. I have cursed and thirsted with equal alacrity forever eager to know the why and the more. And still this continues, in definition of infinity. A limitless journey with no end. I suppose that should intimidate me but instead it makes me grateful for the mere beginning of it. I am humbled that I found its shore and decided to swim. Whether I was chosen or chose, I cannot say but both certainly feel right. I can’t imagine Spirit not offering this gift and I can’t imagine passing it over.
It is such a beautiful life this one of awakening. Even when faced with drowning in its dark abyss the essence of love pulls you onward until you finally and suddenly break the surface where its powerful force has pushed you into the light. The first time that happens you are hooked. Not just on the ride but on the knowingness and peace its salvation has given you.
There is no more heady feeling than being somehow inexplicably saved. Knowing Spirit loves you so much that the Universe has your back and is stronger than any human force. That truth only comes when you break the surface gasping for breath from your dark and terrifying nights. As you shake the tears from your eyes and look around you realize there was never anything to be afraid of all along. It was your own resistance that kept you in the rapids struggling against the tide of destiny. We realize then we should have let go sooner and trusted the current of Spirit’s whim to flow us home. Finally, we learn that maybe, just maybe He knows the river better than we do. And we should start following His clues. The divine breadcrumbs some call signs. Instead we push and paddle and fight against the current of our life’s river. We delay our peace and alignment with the life we were meant to live by thinking we know best. In fighting the current we are trying to remap the river of our life, avoid its experiences and direction as if we could mold its shores to our own whims. That never works try as hard as we do to make it work. In our stubbornness, we waste much time fighting against life when we could be loving life.
My personal journey on these waters is sometimes rather dramatic. No longer afraid of the dark, I surf around and see a lot of things in its depths and I am often rewarded with an “aha” moment when I break the surface into the light. These “aha” moments are eternal messages, like a sonar of the ages peacefully transmitted to those quiet enough to hear.
The most beautiful part of this journey is in sharing these insights with others. Often, they are in synchronicity with similar messages given and received by my teachers and friends. I feel as gleeful as a dolphin then and can’t wait to share my discoveries with all the other beings. The content of the “aha’s” and the sharing of them is love, divine love in its highest form. When I share these experiences with others especially my like -minded friends, the “soul sistas and mistas” that swim the same waters as me - we enlighten and teach each other and spread love and healing. This is our purpose to love and be loved.
My latest sonar message has shown me yet another depth to this ocean of Spirits whim. I realized judgements that prevent me from sharing in this way with another are blocking love. It’s just another way of fighting the current, trying to remap my river, paddling against the tide. Conflicts that block love need more forgiveness.
When we are in true forgiveness there is no judgement of the other or ourselves. There is no blockage and love flows freely.
I realized there are a few people that I had “shut out” because maybe their beliefs were a little different from mine, maybe I judged them negative or not good for me. Maybe I felt they did not serve my higher good. But was that a judgement or a discernment? How do we tell the difference? I asked Spirit.
The message I received is this:
Does the shutting out and shunning of this person make you feel powerful or make you feel love? If it makes you feel love for yourself and the ability to love the other without fear of the experience or interaction of them, that is discernment. Your intention to detach from them is pure and for a higher good. It does not threaten or anger you. It is done in love.
But when this shutting out or shunning makes you feel powerful then you are only trying to shut out the part of you that you fear and that which is illuminated by this person and the experience of them. This is judgement. You think you must slam the door on the feelings that make you uncomfortable and in your haste, you are unaware of the pain you may be causing another being with your actions. Judgement is a reaction to that which you cannot yet love within yourself and in another. It is the part of you that you have brought with you from many lives. This imprint on your soul is a wound longing for healing but you will not allow its remedy. We have sent you an opportunity for healing through the very experience you will not allow. We have sent this to you before and your choice has been the same. You cannot push this so far away that it will not return. It will once again repeat. You fear the destruction of the dam but it is where the water must flow for healing to be complete. You have carried this pain too long to remember its origin but you know its emotion. You blame these emotions for your pain instead of the experience that gave them to you. And so, you fear these emotions and the experience this person brings. Yet, these emotions when unleashed will be your salvation. Your body holds the fear as your soul longs for love. We have given this experience to you to awaken you to the very act that separates you from love. Self-love means loving in entirety and wholeheartedly your light and your dark. It means accepting in others that which you fear in yourself. There can be no darkness where God has created light, so you must allow the dark waters behind this dam to flow into the light. Love yourself deeply and wholly through inclusion in the experience of this healing. Allow the tide to reveal your secrets as the water rages and thrashes you about. Do not fear this river or this experience. Allow your fear to flow into trust for we are the Infinite Intelligence that creates the current of your life. Do you not trust us to act in your higher good?
Know that judgement is a reaction born of power and fear. That which is not love. Discernment is a deliberate action born from love.
My journey on the ocean of Spirits whim continues. I was so grateful for this mornings sonar and the ping that shows me the waters of my journey live on...and on....and will never leave me. The beautiful love that comes from the heart of Spirit to teach us if we only listen.
Peace and love on your journeys
Psychic. Although, I hate that word and prefer to be called an Energetic Intuitive, I suppose technically I am a Psychic. I read energy with senses that are on a deeper level than the usual 5 senses that most people use to observe life. These “extra” or “Multi” senses have been given to me since birth and I work with great devotion to develop their ability with regular spiritual practices and a disciplined way of life that enhances their connection.
When I do a “reading” for someone I use these “senses” to deliberately tap in to the ability to “read” energy with the pure intention of love to give transformative insight and healing to others. Usually the person being read has requested a formal session with me. Other times, information is “given” to me while I am not purposely tapping in to receive it or even thinking about doing so. Sometimes random information will be made known to me as I am just going about my day or while in conversation with someone.
No I don’t “read minds”. I have absolutely no desire to do that and that is not the intention of this gift. My purpose is healing and elevation of one’s life including my own. Reading minds or knowing trivial details about your future serves me and you no purpose. Unless the information is significant and meaningful, it is just not relevant energy to me, I go past it to deeper waters.
The information I receive is usually about the person’s life, their challenges, triumphs, karmic relationships and life purpose. In short, things that influence the soul. Most of this I read from your energy field. For instance, someone I just met may have a disabled child or sick Mother and I suddenly “know”. It comes in a quiet rush to me, almost like someone rustled the leaves of a tree inside my head. If I think it appropriate, I may give them a hug or take their hand and say something about it, words of comfort directly from the heart of Spirit or a piece of information that helps the person with their grief or worry or simply clarifies their path. It is the same process for joy or congratulatory accomplishments that are to be acknowledged.
In this way “I just know things”.
Other times I become a Medium. A Medium is someone who can communicate with the energy of people who have passed out of this lifetime into another realm to deliver messages. Most people call them “dead”. I call them transitioned. For me they are just in another place and their energy is transitioned to exist in another way. Although not on this earth they still exist and their love and soul energy lives on, so I am able to feel them and connect with their energy through my “extra” or “multi” senses. In this way I become the “medium” thru which they choose to communicate. I use this connection to deliver messages from them to loved ones still here. I do this with the pure intention of love and healing for myself and others.
In this way, I “talk to dead people”.
Now, I say “I” do these things because it is me in physical form actively giving these messages and healings. However, I am not the source of this information I am simply the vessel or conduit of energy being used by Spirit for its delivery. It’s as if I become the radio when tuned to the right energy frequency to receive and put out divine message from our Creator. The broadcast and its content are never created by me. I am simply the channel and the messenger of a much higher energy source.
I take no credit for this ability as it is absolutely God's energy. However I do work hard to honor and discipline my body , mind and soul in order to keep my channel fit enough to be the receiver of this beautiful privilege.
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
It is possible through connection, it’s that simple. Early on in my spiritual journey realized everything is all about our connections. The people in our life, our relationship with ourselves and the beliefs we subscribe to as our reasons for living, all are created through the connections that become our life purpose and the source of our existence. Where you are in your life is a direct result of every connection you ever made. These connections are made of energy and they create the energy that is around you. When you plug a lamp into an electrical socket it may illuminate- or it can go dim or short out depending on the polarity or what else is “plugged” in to the same socket. Well, I think of us as if we are all human sockets seeking and absorbing energy constantly. What we plug in to is absorbed throughout our mind, body and soul and determines our own energy. Our connections become the source for everything we attract, and are and everything we have the power to achieve!
Each one of our connections is an energy that leads us to a positive or negative charge in our existence, propelling us forward or holding us back. I like to think of positive energy as a strong and vibrant connection that attracts us to a higher power. Negative energy is a weak connection that lowers our energy and drains us from more solid connections. Not only is everything in the Universe energy, including us humans we are also created by a common energy source. And every energy leads back to that one central source. Our Creator. This central source of Creator energy, is the place where all things begin and all things exists so when we connect to our central energy source we connect with all that has been created and all that is yet to be created from that source. Time and space no longer matter. We connect at the original source of energy which is a limitless power supply.
Through this connection with God we too become limitless. We are then able to go beyond what is the “normal” level of our reality and tap in to other realms. This limitless source of energy is love. We can call this source God, Buddha, Allah, Mother Mary, Jesus or Angels its name does not matter. This pure source of love energy is known by a thousand names and is unnamable. This energy is the unconditional love we are created with and it is within each of us. Through connection with this energy and ourselves we can tap in to a myriad of multi senses that let us live and communicate well beyond the 5 senses we normally use. In developing this connection, we in effect create a divine channel in which to communicate through.
This energy has been created for us to feel and experience. We were meant to do so on every level, not just with our 5 senses but with ALL of the energetic senses we are created with. We were meant to connect to all things because in doing so we connect to the very source of creation that created us and we become unified in that unconditional love.
This connection of love and unity to all things is the reason for our being. To Love and be loved. Anything is possible when powered with the intention of pure love and in fact God wants us to connect in this way. That is why we are given guides and Angels to help us do it. I strongly believe it is our duty and obligation to develop every connection on every level in every realm to our fullest evolution. It is through these connections we find the answers to all we seek and we become love.
In fact, that is why I named my business Georgia Rose Connection.
ARE PSYCHICS BORN OR CREATED?
I have been a “psychic” since birth. And guess what? You have been too. While it is true we all have different talents in this energy arena, I believe we ALL can use our “extra” senses to feel much more than most of us currently do in our daily world. It is just easier to disbelieve in these things than it is to do the amount of grueling work required to develop them into truth and reality.
Are great athletes born or created? In much the same way Michael Jordon or Babe Ruth developed their gift to be an extreme talent, it takes steadfast commitment and diligent practice to develop any skill. World class figure skaters spend countless hours on ice and train exclusively towards the satisfaction of their performance. Like all athletes and great musicians any distractions and irrelevant matter that stood between them and their goals was eliminated for a time and they chose to connect only with energy that is a positive power source. True they had to have some gift or basic talent to begin with. But they were successful because they worked hard to connect to their gift and developed a pattern of practice until it became second nature. Every day they work with their talent to hone it to perfection creating the energy to bring them up to full power.
It is no different with psychic ability. I have lead a very disciplined life filled with spiritual practices and life choices that enhance my ability to connect with and read energy on a deeper level than “normal”. I spend many hours in service and study. I am careful with everything I take in to my energy field. My food, drink, music, relationships, media, music, connections must be all be non-toxic. In effect I am always in “training”. We all have a gift under the surface that is waiting to be developed. I encourage you to do the work to sharpen your skill and hone your energy to its peak frequency. In truth, it is no easy task to do. But it is worth the effort.
HOW DO WE DEVELOP THIS CONNECTION?
Unfortunately, there is no “spiritual development” class or technique that will work as a magic bullet to teach you to be “psychic or develop as a Medium” so don’t waste time and money on those things. I know I will probably get flack for saying that but it is the truth. Groups and support circles where you can practice your skills after you have developed them somewhat are very helpful and will enhance your energy, but there are no “parlor tricks” that can make your ability magically appear.
The journey to developing psychic ability is a journey of self- discovery. A grueling, frightening, gut wrenching, crazy, purging life review and reconciliation of self that brings you to an ultimate connection with God and Angels and your Guides and Ascended Masters that will end in a place more beautiful than you can ever imagine. If you have the stomach for it then the first step is - clearing out your life.
Sometimes we mistakenly think the things we are plugged in to are more important than the source of our power. This focus on the things and people and the “stuff” of life becomes our total focus and we drown out the more important connection to the source of energy that is meant to power up our life. In short, we have so many connections causing overloads and short circuits and drains on us that we can’t connect to the powerful source of God that should be our ultimate supply.
It’s like trying to hear the whisper of Angels on a busy freeway. We need peace and quiet to hear God. We need stillness to connect to Him and all His creation. When we are in chaos even though we may be a beautiful and well-meaning mess, our connections are blocked. You can’t develop a clear connection when you are surrounded by noise and static. If we want to connect we must clear the path, clean the channel and be on the road of a healthy existence in all facets of our lives. There is no other way.
As you begin to change your life and your consciousness for the better so too do you begin to engage in Spiritual practices that enhance your connections. When you begin to engage in Prayer, Healings, Teachings, Readings, Yoga, Meditation, Journaling, Researching Philosophy, Spiritual Music, and other modalities suddenly things start to happen. People and teachers will suddenly be placed in your path. Miraculous incidences of synchronicity begin and soon without provocation you will receive messages. Many new practices that enhance these connections will be of interest to you and become daily practice.
This is because as we clear out the negative from our lives we create a clear channel for God to speak to us. We may feel pain and sadness as we make changes and grow but this is our heart opening. In our despair and discomfort, we seek comfort. When we seek in healthy places instead of negative areas we find love and this opens our heart further. This is compassion. Through this opening a connection with God begins and with daily and regular practice as we “open” the channel grows stronger and clearer and things start to happen. Many of the happenings are good but this journey of self-discovery also means as we open we begin a life review. We start to look back and see things we did not have the courage to “see” before and we painfully reconcile many wounds we have been carrying for a long time. We begin our own healing work with this new found deep compassion, which will culminate in our ability to heal others. These days are referred to as “the dark nights of the soul”. It is here the place that warriors are born.
This work is all necessary to clear our soul for the strong connections that we seek. The fear and pain of old wounds blocks our connection with divine source and must be healed to clear the way for a more complete connection with Spirit. By the same token unhealthy things presently in our lives clog and distract us from connecting with the energy that allows us psychic connections. Most of this energy manifests as fear and anxiety that “shuts down” our ability to connect.
Many times, people who have had flashes of intuition or a psychic incidence will deny their abilities and be fearful of psychic experiences. This fear has its origin in the psychic energy which wants us to go on this epic journey of self-discovery vs. our ego that does not want us to change our life. We humans want what we want so we deny the energy of our own alignment to awaken us to our ultimate power. It keeps pushing at us to be all we can be but we silence it with “noise”. We tamper it down and sleep walk through life trying to deny our energy which is bursting for us to be more than what we currently are. This separation causes anxiety. And prevents our psychic connections.
When we embrace the Creator or God energy of our greatness our anxiety disappears. We must have the courage to do the work and embrace this powerful, at first uncomfortable, divine source of love and enlightenment. This journey of self-discovery lasts a lifetime. But it is worth embarking on if you want to experience the beautiful unconditional love of Spirit and the miraculous energy that exists in other realms.
If you have questions or need support on your journey, I would love to help. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Peace and love,
Human. I suppose being human means sometimes learning to live around things that you will never get over. Maybe some losses are just that deep...
This song reminds me of my marriage. It was my fault I let my life become a "role" I was not aligned with. When you ignore who you are bad things are bound to happen. I was too busy "being fabulous" to understand what is "real". I had a beautiful life come crashing down on me and the destruction was so great it nearly crushed me with it. But in the end the universe gave me no more than what I deserved.
I have a beautiful life now. One that I have carved out of the not too good often crappy clay handed to me in this life. It was a crawl back from the ledge, a slow heavy rise out of the abyss that taught me where to find my joy. Where to find love. And what is "real".
We often look for things to help us find that promised land of happiness we've all heard about somewhere. Isn't the idea of what will make us happy all around us? We grasp for it like hungry babies. There is toothpaste that will give us a brilliant smile, shiny cars that will help us find a new road, workouts to give you a perfect body, vacations that will take you to paradise and online sites that promise to find the love of your life.!
And, finally after we partake in all this false "look at me" indulgence we reward ourselves with a social media "share" to make it "real".
Like a broadway show running constantly our lives are judged under the lights of an audience that never really knows us or who we really are. We get very busy seaching for the next best thing. It's easy to buy in to it all. But it makes us lose our individuality and be confused about who we are, and what will make us happy. Our lives become stuffed with things that have nothing to do with the true essence of us.
Finally, fed up with all these things that leave us wanting and unsatisfied, confused - we start to reach for others. We grasp for a hand - the right hand to lead us to love and happiness. We seek.
In reality what we really want is a connection. We would fare better to come out from behind our images and just be ourselves in that quest. But we don't know that untl the quest teaches it to us.
All those different hands that were in ours at one time or another become the journey. The connections that teach us how to live and how not to. We play roles, become mutable in our quest for love.
My ex- husband and I are casualties of that journey.
Ours was a great love. But in the end neither of us were very nice to each other. In fact we treated each other horribly at one point! It boggles the mind and contracts the heart to think how one person can bring you to the highest ecstacy and lowest dectruction in one life time. We did that to each other. And yet not a day goes by that I do not miss him, and "us". Looking back we really were quite something! We moved mountains together.
Perhaps it is Mercury retrograde or my romantic heart but when I look back I realize that we built a life together that was an amazing one. In the beginning there was great love and desire for a long time. But we became a cliche' the "things" became more important than our love. He was indulgent and I was demanding. He wanted to have fun and I had cancer. He wanted to travel and I wanted to work. I wanted nuturing and he wanted a party. I was exhausted and he was bored. He wanted stroking and I wanted to rest my head. But we were disconnected. Our own needs were more important than the others. That amazing connection we used to feel anywhere, anytime because nothing was ever between us had created a whole "life" of "stuff" between us. In the end one ireversible bad decision on his part suddenly cut the bond between us that I always thought was invincible. And set me free.
When the tether was released it was a free fall. Like I was thrust into outer space with no gravity, only darkness and no reality. After so many years my identity, the "role", I had wedged myself into was so tied to the mothership of my life with him, I had nothing to draw on or start from. I was lost in space looking for a connection. I spun there for awhile and it was absolute horror. Dark days they were...
But then I felt something out there in space..a slight warmth, I heard something too. The faint sound of breath, someone was breathing! And then I felt a pulse, a little electric charge and my body shook with the hope of it. Maybe I wasn't alone out here. After a while I realized it was the exhale of my own sweet breath and the beat of my steady heart. It was "I" that was with me out here in the nothing of my life. I didn't have nothing - I had myself.
I had given her up for dead. Lost in space. A casualty of the bending and molding and scraping and grasping and pretending everything was fine, that had become my life. I had stuffed myself into so many roles I didn't want to play I forgot she was still there under all those costumes. I wasn't the "baracuda" , the cold heartless career woman. I wasn't the "cool wife" ignoring the inappropriate shenanigans. I wasn't the "brave sick" cancer patient pretending everything was fine. I wasn't the "grieving daughter" with the stiff upper lip. I wasn't the "fixer" or the "producer" or the "success story" or "the one in charge" . I was just myself stripped bare and empty. A part of me was relieved and all of me was free.
Soon I wasn't free floating in outer space alone. I noticed the stars with me and the angels and I didn't feel alone. I felt more connected than I had in my so called "real" life. And I used that connection to build a new life. I connected with myself. And I built a life that confirmed her.
I miss my ex husband every day. The real him, not what we became, but what we were. We are no longer, because we stopped being ourselves. If we had remained authentic we would still be. He was a funny, passionate, generous, very charming, adorable, not very dependable, naive, rock and roll, beer drinking, indulgent, smart, lovable, sensitive, big hearted, handsome, in love with me man. I was a beautiful, feircely loving, generous, nuturing, indulgent, go getter, stubborn, controlling, tough, would not let anyone hurt a hair on his head, put him first, build a life for us, passionate, in love with him, woman.
That love and beautiful connection is out in the universe and it's energy will never die. It is real.
But we are not.
We became an ugly cliche. We lost ourselves. I lost me. In my search for support I lost him. And in his search for love he lost me. As I said some losses you never get over. You just learn to live around them. It had to be this way or I would never have found me and this beautiful life I have now.
In the tragedy of it all lies the most precious gift of my life. I have learned to be myself in all things and to remain authentic in all my connections. When it's the real you being loved unconditionally by friends and partners that is where you find paradise and true love.
Human. I am. And had I not been on the ledge, in the abyss or lost in space I would not know what love is, where to find it or how to give it. So you see the great love of my life, did in the end teach me all about love not just by sharing the beauty of it but also by the tragic loss of it.
How could you not miss a love like that? <3
Be yourself always....
Peace and love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose