It’s one of those lovely evenings where I get into bed early and allow my thoughts to drift and entertain me. My mind grows lazy with sweet memories as my body grows heavy and settles in. It occurs to me that the richest times in my life have been found in fast moving moments not in the slow plodding promises of forever that we cling to. I feel warm and safe in my bed with my dog at my side as the quite meditation music I sleep with lulls me into the twilight place where I see visions.
My pictures are pleasantly familiar like an old movie you love to watch over and over. Happy sentimental scenes drift by and I find myself feeling grateful for each one. These memories are not old they belong to my “new” life. The pages in this new book don’t carry the weight of history that the older volumes seem to have. They are lighter and easier to read. These stories are more open and expansive and they are my favorite ones so far. Here I feel gratitude for all I get to live and be. It’s exciting and calm, scary and safe, bittersweet with wonder and curiosity. I am grounded yet weightless in the acceptance of fully feeling the moment and not knowing but trusting the “next” one. These stories are lessons, the primer for my soul.
When my marriage ended it was hard to reconcile the loss because it was supposed to be “forever”. I think half the battle to heal was in letting go of that belief and the expectation that happiness is found in the stability and familiarity of a long term partnership. I once dated someone who claimed that he regretted never having a long enough relationship to have a “history” with someone. At the time I joined him in the sadness of that while I reluctantly reconciled my “unfair” loss of security and stability.
But I think differently now. How much can living where you’ve already been give you? I want to go to places I’ve never been before. And so I embrace endings for where they will lead me. I feel like those places hold more fertility for me than any place I’ve already been.
I have a teacher who says that everything that happens isn’t an issue or problem or challenge or opportunity but simply an experience. When you look at life that way as a series of simple moments in time all meant to just be embraced and observed you become grateful and you love everything about your experiences because of the gifts within them. Endings and beginnings are observed like gems that show us light within their many facets. Observing your experiences instead of judging them good or bad endurable or unendurable frees the soul to become what we are here to truly “be”.
Lying here alone in my own bed, I am floating in half sleep watching visions sparkle behind my eyes. like jewels from my soul I watch treasured scenes from a life well lived. A life I am in love with. I am content to be at ease with who I am becoming. I am content to let the light in! That would never have happened within the partnership I had with my husband. Back then I feared the light and what it would reveal. I can’t imagine living that way now. Through the pain of that ending I learned to always step into the light. And so, our ending is to be celebrated as much as our beginning was. An embraceable experience meant to teach me love. Since then I have had many experiences that have taught me love and brought me into the light. Their endings are as awakening as their beginnings.
There have been many people who have come to walk with me for awhile. Whatever happens, I am present and sit within each unique experience. In doing this I meet myself. Even when it hurts I realize it is all an experience I am absolutely supposed to have. It is not about them it is always meant to be about me and my soul’s growth. And so I look for the light in each connection and “experience”. There is no blame or fault only observation and acceptance. I have learned to love what is shared even when the lesson is harsh because through this I have learned about love. Each one of these “stories” is a chapter in my soul’s evolution. These times are readying me for something… someone… I am making myself whole by feeling it all pleasure and pain.
As I drift off to sleep I remember them. The stories, the memories… they feel so good… I think I am lucky…..to live…to love…
I see myself standing outside the supermarket ringing the Christmas bell for The Salvation Army with Sparky dressed as Santa Paws. The handsome man with the twinkly eyes and brilliant smile, that I had dinner with last night suddenly appears out of nowhere with a huge bouqet of flowers and a box of dog biscuits for Sparky. I am shocked as he pulls me into his arms with a kiss and claims “I can’t stop thinking about you”! My heart zings as I feel hope...maybe …and his secret nickname becomes “Prince Charming” as I relax and decide to be a Princess for a change. I let him wine and dine me until I realize he’s not really available for much else. My heart requires more than handsome and closed. The coach eventually turns into a pumpkin but the beautiful memories of him linger… and I am grateful for him and for my heart for believing in fairy tales for a little while.
Candle light flickers against the wall of a strange bedroom. I am standing face to face with a very handsome man. His touch turns my cool fear into hot desire, as I wonder … can I…. for 20 years I belonged to one man, these hands on me now feel good, but so different …can I…. ? Will he make me forget or remember? God, he is so handsome and his touch feels so right but I am so very frightened. His dark almost black eyes search my face and he sees the tears pooling in the corners of my blue eyes. I bury my face in his neck. I take a deep breath and I breathe him in. He somehow knows what I am doing and he whispers “Breathe me out” and I exhale. Our hearts and breathe become one rhythm. He becomes the most tender person I have ever known and as he understands my struggle. I grab the soft dark hair at his nape as he carries me to the bed and I am lost. As he slowly kisses my clothes off, worshiping me I forget…and sweet bliss heals me. Somehow I know this moment was meant for these souls, it could not be anyone else but him. His purpose is simply this night. And he shows me … Yes I can! And I am grateful as a door in my heart too long open for another finally swings closed and everything else opens. My body screams silently as it comes to life. Later that night I leave his 2nd story walk up and I hit the street. The cold air stings my skin, a sharp contrast to the memory of his hands all over me. Part of me wants to go back and drink him in and pour myself into him but I am not bold enough. Not this night. I know we aren’t meant for each other. It makes my heart hurt. I breathe deeply and absorb the essence of this new sharp point in my heart until it fades into the dull blade that I always hold against my chest. The pain is familiar. I try to remember a time when my heart did not hurt, but I come up empty. I drive home on the quiet empty streets. I file the night away in the box in my mind where I keep all the brilliant and lovely times spend with him and I know I will never go back. He has opened my heart and I need to hold it in my own hand for awhile before I give it willingly to another. I am so grateful he has shown me I am still desired and passionate. I am still too fragile to dance with this passion but thankful that he has shown me it still exists…
I am sitting on my bathroom floor with the thin silver haired man with kind blue eyes. My dog Sparky is between us and he is in pain. His ears have become infected. I am crying at the thought of my precious animal suffering and I don’t know how to help him. The ear drops and solutions seem so hard to administer as he squirms away not letting me touch his cute furry ears. I am panicked and in tears, struggling with my helpless dog. But, this man takes charge as his slender fingers hold Sparky’s head firmly but lovingly and we care for this beautiful animal together. Two sets of blue eyes meet over Sparky’s furry head; we are connected by this dog and the love in this moment. “I love you “, I say and he calmly says “I love you too babe”, as we lean in for a kiss with Sparky in our arms. My heart has felt the most compassionate moment....and I am grateful. Even as I know the dog is a safer object for this man’s affections than I and that he will never show me that kind of love, I accept his limitation. This man teaches me it’s OK to allow someone into your most soft space. He fleetingly allows me into his soft spaces and they are many. He loves yet somehow he must always detach. I love and I want to connect. I learn by walking with him for a bit that when even the best intentions fall short it’s probably because of your expectations. I learn to be grateful for whatever is given not what I want to be given. I learn my big open heart requires more and I am not afraid to go find it. I walk away from security for passions sake grateful he showed me I can.
I’m sitting in a dive bar in a beautiful red dress, out for a drink after an office Christmas Party. The handsome man with an edge leans into my neck. I feel heat rise. He starts to sing in my ear and his voice caresses me someplace I have never felt before. Everyone in the bar disappears, there is only us connected by something multi sensual. Deeply felt yet untouched. When he grabs my hand to lead us outside I feel safe and I give myself over. His fingers are a lifeline holding my breath. I gladly give him the power, his soul somehow knows my own and I just know I am supposed to be his woman for a little while. I feel as though I remember him I have been his woman before in another time and place. I accept whatever is with no need of forever. Our connection has life and I know it will ebb and flow like our breath to settle where it should. A few days later on an oddly warm day in January we go walking by the ocean. At the end of the afternoon as we turn to go our separate ways he comes in for a kiss and presses a beach rock in my hand. As I feel the pressure of that smooth rock in my palm it goes straight to my heart with a spark of warm light. I cherish it because I can feel the essence of him in it. It has the same energy as the crucifix he always wears around his neck. He is all strength and fire and shyness a powerful male with cool piercing eyes. I love his kiss. It tastes spicy with the promise of pleasure. I sleep with the rock under my pillow that night. Hoping the power of this lion will rub off a little. This handsome, cocky, sexy man teaches me about new music and what it is to be an everyday hero. When I am stuck in my head he grabs me and pulls me close and our passion rises again and I can’t think of anything but the moment. It is all I require and I am grateful. We ebb and flow into friendship. His romantic and accepting soul has humbled mine into less thought and more heart. He shows me that by thinking I know it all I’m cheating myself from the real story! This edgy tough guy teaches me compassion and valor and opens me to things I was too lost in thought to see. I am grateful our connection has found this lifetime because it has a reason. Two lone souls, two very different lives, same struggles, learning to trust, understanding friendship transcends all.
I am standing under an inky black sky loaded with stars about to burst with light. I can hear waves crashing in the distance as my feet sink in the sand. I can feel the strong presence of the tall handsome man behind me. He is powerful and earthy, a masculine pillar. The “big one” says, “C’mon you can do it”, as he encourages me to fall backwards into his arms. A trust fall, really? I want to but…can I? Years of betrayals and abandonments won’t let me. I think about him, who he is. He is stability and competition, challenge and possession I love the way he grounds me. I have seen his heart and the kindness and pride there. I know he loves me even if the words cannot pass his lips. I feel him and I am unsure. But if I fall so be it, I will be alright. And so I decide. I let go, for the first time in my life. I fall and for a few seconds there is nothing but I’m not afraid … I have decided to trust myself …. and suddenly bam! There it is… I feel his hands and then his arms at my back. I am in his arms! He has given me something no one else ever has…he catches me. My gift, from this big, strong man has come tonight. I trusted and he caught me! My soul now understands the universe will support me. Months later he will bring me a beautiful crystal from Argentina. I often sleep with it under my pillow a reminder of the beautiful freedom my heart felt that night “I trusted” on the beach. It holds love. He showed me trust comes from within. It is something you decide to give to yourself, when you decide to let go, no other can give it to you. Ironically in the end he didn’t catch me when I needed it most, but walked away unable to make his own decision to” let go and trust”. But I am grateful for that evening on the beach where I learned how to break through myself to know I am worth reaching for something so beautiful. When his arms held my back, I realized I had spent my whole life protecting myself from the very thing I desired. Afraid to fall but wanting to be caught. Someday I will reach for it again with another, the right one, who will never let me fall.
I can see the sexy Harley parked outside the pizzeria from my seat in the booth. Our helmets hang on the handle bars waiting for us to resume our lazy adventure. I look at the sandy haired man across from me and his hazel eyes smile back. We have been friends for a few months. He is a talker, he tells me the funniest stories. He is very wise. Our connection is friendly and open, relaxed not romantic yet interesting. I like being in his presence it is so easy. He is a great prescription for my busted up heart. I need a break from the stops and starts, the ending and beginnings for awhile. He is just what the Doctor ordered. We dig in to pizza and talk and laugh and talk. Finally we climb back on to the Harley to take me home. Ah, wind therapy, I love the cool breeze, my leather jacket against my skin and the feel of my arms around the safety of him. I fold my body into his from my perch and I feel the familiar feeling of flying as the moment engulfs me. On the back of a bike I always feel like that. My body is alive, lost in the safety of the man and the thrill of the bike and the thrill of the man and the safety of the bike all at the same time. It’s a huge circle of intoxicating contrasting energy like nothing else. Life worries disappear as your senses take over and you feel free and happy. We pull up to my house and I hop off. Disappointment creeps in as it always does when it’s time to get off and the ride is over. As I unclip my helmet I find myself looking up at him. He takes me in his arms for a big bear hug as I thank him for sharing the day with me. Suddenly I tell him “I feel so at ease with you, it’s really nice, but I don’t know why I’m so relaxed around you, like I’ve known you forever” and we laugh. He gets back on the Harley and just before he rides off into the sunset he says, “That’s because I don’t want anything from you darlin’ ”. I am left standing in my driveway under the light of an aha moment. Wow! It was the simple truth. This talky biker taught me love comes in many forms. Sometimes it is a simple friendship that’s an uncomplicated safe haven to recover in from the harsh realities of the world. Our friendship was a gift from the universe to be simply enjoyed. A spoonful of sugar that helped the medicine go down. I learn to just “be”.
As I roll over onto more memories I’m falling deeply into sleep. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realize I am by far luckier to be taught by life and the souls I have crossed paths with than to be stuck in a place without challenge and evolution. I have learned to honor all experiences as a way to learn to love. I am sure my life will keep evolving in this way. One day I find someone who shares my zest for love and life and Spirit and all the light within its facets. Then we can experience and evolve and share love together. Until then I will continue to be grateful for what Spirit brings me and embrace what comes next.
But sometimes in this place where sleep hovers and the veil to past, present and future is barely there I can feel him, the man who is my partner, his energy is in my energy field and I feel his essence. I feel our love and I trust it. It is coming. In some ways it is already here, it just hasn’t reached me yet but it will…oh it will.
Peace and Love,
Spiritual Healer, Energetic Medium
This Blog is the story of the miracles, challenges and lessons of my life journey. Years ago when I hit a personal "rock bottom" my despair led me to seek answers and my quest for truth began. Amazing events propelled me on a spiritual journey of transformation.. Miraculously, through these experiences my life has become my teacher and my friend.... I hope my words connect us and allow us to walk together for a time as teacher and friend to each other. The most valuable thing we have during this human experience is our connection to love. The love in our soul for a higher power and others is the only thing that is real. I honor these connections through my writing. Theses words are my gift inspired through the heart of Spirit for you. I hope by sharing my journey it will enlighten, inspire and ease yours as it does mine >> ... Peace... Georgia Rose